Best College Football Team Names

Idaho Vandals

St. Louis Billikens

Whittier College Poets

Webster Gorlocks

UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

Evergreen State Geoducks

Southeastern Oklahoma Savage Storm

Presbyterian Blue Hose

Tufts Jumbos

Amherst College Lord Jeffs

Trinity Christian College Trolls

Bethany College Terrible Swedes

Worst College Football Team Names

LSU Tigers

Princeton Tigers

Memphis Tigers

Clemson Tigers

Texas Southern Tigers

West Alabama Tigers

Tennessee State Tigers

Missouri Tigers

Jackson State Tigers

Pacific Tigers

Auburn Tigers

Top Eleven Songs of 2010

Fountainhead – “Robot Voice ‘R’ Us”
Piker – “Letz Auto-Tune”
PX – “Love That Mechanical Voice”
Liberal Arts – “Mechanical Voice - Works – Volume I”
Rantum-Scootum – “Fully Loaded Auto-Tune”
Silent Rhubarb – “All Hail Soulless Mechanical Voice”
Sal G. – “Mechanical Voice This!”
The Hoodie String Pullers – “Experiments with the Harmony Vocoder: #1, #3, #8 & #5.3”
Ass Onions – “Up Your Auto-Tune”
Bacty – “Enuf! Mechanical Voice”
Drug Store Schlemihl – “It is Mechanical Voice Is What It Is”

Plus, hounorable mention:
Various Artists – “Music for Twiddling Knobs”

Best of 2010 Lists Go To Eleven

It's that time of year, when we look at the previous year and turn everything into lists.

Actually, a lot of people make these "Year End" lists much earlier, which I think is ludicrous. How about all the movies, books, products, etc. that come out right around Christmas? Some of the best stuff of the year comes out after the 15th of December.

So I have insisted we wait until January.

Also, since it's 2011, these lists are all going to have ELEVEN items, rather than the traditional ten.

This is only one reason you'll have to look no further than The Moss Problem for your year end LISTS!

Tostitos Championship

I thought the Fiesta Bowl was the Tostitos Bowl, but apparently this one is, too. Did you ever wonder why pretty much every tortilla chip by local and obscure companies all are pretty good, as well as similar to each other, and then you have Tostitos, which just really suck, but they probably sell more than any of the others? There’s got to be another reason besides that they spend more on advertising and store placement. Or maybe there isn’t another reason.

I admit I’m in a bad mood. It’s one thing not putting the countless bowl games on TV, but the national championship? It’s like the Superbowl or the World Series not being on TV! I have to look for updates on the internet... how depressing. I feel like Randle Patrick McMurphy when they won’t let the patients watch the World Series, in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The NCAA plus ESPN equals Nurse Ratched.

Maybe I should just try to be well-adjusted and watch what’s on. Again it’s the thin Brett Favre and countless blond women with weird jawlines. More winter sports on the sports channel. And again, some TV show with Tim Roth. I just shouldn’t let that bug me. If one day Tim Roth got hired where I work, in the mailroom, for $9 an hour, and I was training him... I really think that would disturb me. I’d say, well Tim, I’m going to show you how to do the FedEx’s now. But can I call you Mr. Orange?

I’m wondering now, could it be a conspiracy to get football fans to watch the NFL more? But how would that work? It would have to be at the NCAA’s expense. But somebody here, some slimeball, is filling their pockets. You don’t have a huge event on TV year after year, with massive ratings and all, and then suddenly NOT have it on TV, unless someone is benefiting. Well, anyway, that’s it for me. No NCAA football for at least a decade, because I hold a grudge. I could watch other sports, I guess. I could watch the NFL, but I don’t know—I just find it so boring. It’s like watching a bunch of meatheads crushing beer cans with monster trucks.

Not being able to see these two top-rated college teams in the last game of the year, it’s probably a good time to mention how I don’t buy it as a national championship game anyway. For one thing, TCU would beat either of these teams. So would Boise State. But we’re supposed to believe that one team has superiority over another because of their height and weight and how fast they run a 40 yard dash? I designed an intricate diagram for a playoff system for 16 teams, in which the top-rated 8 would start out with a bye, but then that whole system seemed too sissified, and I changed my mind about that. I think there should be 64 teams in the playoff. End the regular season a week early and go right into the playoff. You could call it December Madness, or maybe something more catchy and original.

Okay, I’ve just about had enough. Trying to write about a sporting event I can’t even watch. What am I supposed to do, rush out and buy CABLE, like a good little victim? No, I’m not going to, and I’m not going to watch NCAA football anymore, or NCAA anything, or sports, any sports, for that matter. And I quit this stupid job, too. Glad I got paid in advance. Thanks, Tony. I’ll keep the money, for my aggravation.

The Sugar Bowl

It seems pointless to sit here and describe how I sat there and scanned the TV channels once again for coverage of the Sugar Bowl, finding only more depressing reality shows about losing weight, mutant youth obsessed with dance, and overwrought dramas with guys who look like badly aging Ray Liottas waving around guns. There’s a several hour long infomercial for plastic surgery. ABC is showing science fiction porn, or maybe it’s not porn. It’s people from another planet having sex. I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m surprised, at this point—though I am—I thought Ohio State had some kind of deal with ABC or something. I can just hear Brent Musburger: “The Ohio! State! Buckeyes!” And then introducing a player... “And he’s a good one.” And then the action, “It’s a foot race!” I love Brent Musburger! But “Hold on folks!” No Brent Musburger. Though I suppose he might be on ESPN. I’ll never know.

I guess I’m beyond the “Anger” stage—which would have been when I threw the TV across the room, and the “Bargaining” stage, too—firmly planted in “Depression.” Though I am still confident that the national championship game—which is next Monday—will be on TV. So I guess you could say I’ve reverted to the “Denial” stage, after all. I could do a recap of the Sugar Bowl, but by this time, if you even care at all, you know all about the “gold pants incident,” the streaker, the banana peel incident, the back flip into the stands, the world record delay for “further review,” Kid Rock’s penis slipping out during the halftime entertainment, and Tressel punching an Arkansas player after an interception.

There’s always tonight’s game, though I’m not even going to TRY to find it on TV. It’s the GODADDY.Com Bowl. I don’t know what “Go Daddy” is, but they have a bowl game, and it’s Miami of Ohio, from Oxford, Ohio (a town I was politely asked not to return to after multiple incidents in 1978) against Middle Tennessee, which is—I don’t know—one imagines Jack Daniels drinking Hobbits. The Redhawks Vs. The Blue Raiders, and folks, don’t go away, because we have a good one here (tied at halftime).

Oh, well, if you can’t watch football on TV, there’s always youtube:

The Sunny D-Lite Orange Bowl

I don’t feel real optimistic, but this is the ORANGE BOWL! It’ll be on TV, right? I try ABC first, but there is some guy who looks like the porn version of Brett Favre wearing a suit, at what looks like an extremely ritzy funeral, but he is smiling, not sad, and women come into greet him one by one, all wearing really formal dresses that accentuate their breasts (one is wearing her breasts on the OUTSIDE of her dress). They look like porn actresses, actually, or maybe someone who would host the Orlando Citrus Parade. It’s just an endless stream of them, coming out of one of those really big limos, and each one is saying something to Brett (I turn up the sound; they’re saying things that sound like a parody of what people would say on a date). I go close up to the TV. Uhhh... they’re really shiny and weird. Each of the woman have kind of similar jaws, like they have something wrong genetically. Maybe this is a rich guy and he’s into that?

Endless commercials now, check other channels. Fox has a dreadful looking hospital show. On 4.4 there are people skiing down a really huge mountain, that’s looks petty good. On NBC, really bad actors with guns in front of 100% CGI backgrounds. CBS there’s sitcom, kind of classic, completely nondescript living room, and laugh track. Is that Charlie Sheen? Why does that not surprise me. Back to NBC, endless commercials, could be football on here. Maybe this is a show, not a commercial. No, it’s for Yoplait lite. More commercials. More. “Coming up”... more commercials. Something called: The Biggest Loser. Oh, this is the show, it seems to be a reality show about losing weight. What an idea.

Now I’m pulling in a channel called 4.2, the show is “Nonstop Foodies”—a lot of silly people talking really fast, fast camera, movement, lots of cuts, someone said “Shiitake Mushroom” like they mastered the pronunciation about a half-hour ago. More commercials. Oh, how to make an “authentic New York Cheesecake.” Which is interesting. It’s one of those things that once you see the ingredients, you’ll never eat it again.

Back to Fox, no football, just one of those overwrought dramas with some guy waving a gun around the WHOLE show, hostages, etc, the camera jerking around. Is that Tim Roth? No, it can’t be. I refuse to believe it. Maybe it’s a movie. The guy’s waving around a gun, sweating. That IS Tim Roth—not the guy with the gun. Another guy. No it can’t be, I refuse to believe it.

I turn the channel, back to the thin Brett Favre and 30 shiny women, they’re all drinking champagne Is he going to have sex with ALL of them? It’s some kind of endurance realty show! Hey, a channel called 7.2 or “The LivWell Network”—it’s Rick Bayless! I love Rick Bayless. But it’s not football. It’s definitely not the Orange Bowl.

I keep going back to that show with the guy waving the gun around. He’s still waving it around. There’s still a woman with a laptop. There’s a guy who looks like Henry Rollins. That IS Tim Roth, he’s got the gun to his head. Maybe it’s a drama AND a documentary about the making of the drama AT THE SAME TIME. But everyone looks so dire.

Rose Bowl (we wish)

This is what I’ve been waiting for, The Rose Bowl, Wisconsin vs. TCU. If you merely had a battle to the death between their mascots, The Horned Frog and The Badger, that gets my attention. This game is interesting for a lot of boring football-type reasons, but also because Madison, Wisconsin is known as the most alcohol soaked college town in the country, and TCU (which stands for Texas Christian University) is a little school of under 10,000 in Fort Worth where... well, I suppose they drink there, too. The last I heard the minimum legal drinking age in Texas was 12, or 14 if you’re driving.

The Outback Steakhouse Bowl ended on ABC, and they said, “Next up, The Granddaddy of them all, The Rose Bowl!” So I got my chair and my potato chips, ready for the big game to start, and... WTF?? Suddenly I’m watching coverage of the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. I am not kidding. I checked to see if I accidentally changed the channel. Maybe there was some network switcheroo or something, so I went through all the channels. ABC—no, it’s the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. The other channels: CBS: some kind of NFL documentary, feelgood thing, called “Sounds of the Season,” most likely how some guy overcame some adversity, like being a natural born bastard, to give up child abuse in favor of giving corny speeches at the Rotary Club. It gets worse: NBC is showing Golf: ADT Skills Challenge. Which is, I have no idea—it seems to be about retired golfers who overcame learning disabilities? Fox has slimy entertainment news from TMZ.com. Channel 4.4 is now showing the 2008 Ironman Triathlon. And back to ABC, yes, it is indeed the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. Am I going insane? There’s a man and woman who are doing that smarmy, sickening commentary, and I swear they BOTH have wide pieces of white cardboard, the kind that comes with your dry-cleaning, stuck in their mouths to look like teeth. It is truly frightening. WTF stand for What The Fuck, in case you didn’t know, and I don’t care who I offend, because this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. 

Okay, I’ve just thrown my TV across the room. I’ve calmed down a little, and I don’t think I broke it. It came off the base. I put it back together. I’ll test it later. I have to rely on the internet for updates on this football game, The 97th Annual Rose Bowl, “Brought to you by Vizio.” Not my Vizio, apparently. Okay, I guess this game is on ESPN. So you HAVE to have cable to watch it. I’m 50 years old and I’ve never had cable in my life (except for 1982, when I lived in a house that had Warner CUBE, but that’s another story). I guess this is what it’s come to. But has it really? I can’t believe this. It’s my worst nightmare. Am I the ONLY SCHMOE who’s sitting at home, thinking he was going to watch the Rose Bowl on broadcast TV, and getting thwarted? Who in the WORLD could possibly be watching these other shows on TV? You’re watching college football, and then the BIG GAME comes on and you’re supposed to say, “Oh, it’s not on. That’s okay. I’ll just watch the Citrus Parade and a little ADD golf, and maybe this cheesily narrated feelgood NFL story. Or maybe you don’t even get up and change the channel. You sit and watch whatever is ON? I’ve just watched 12 hours straight of infomercials on FOX. Hope the STATIC comes on soon. Are you telling me, on NEW YEARS DAY in the United States of America, there is ONLY ONE COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME ON BROADCAST TV?

Okay, so there’s still the chance Oklahoma and Connecticut will be on later. What joy. And now it is later, time for the Tostitos Yawn Bowl. The TV still works, that’s a positive. At least I think, until, again going through the channels: CBS has some stupid crime show, that’s supposed to look like a documentary, about how stupid and grotesque people are. NBC is showing HOCKEY! Fox has COPS, not surprisingly, and on ABC, which should be the football game, there’s a bad science fiction show with really bad acting, or maybe it’s the future, so people just normally act like bad actors, learned from generations of watching bad actors on TV.

Well, the future is now.

TicketCity, Outback, Capital One, and Gator Bowls

Happy New Year from The Moss Problem and welcome to our complete newyearsday college football bowl coverage. Six games today, and we’re at all of them, virtually. But first, there is TV coverage of the Rose Parade, in Pasadena, which I find a little stodgy (Portland, Oregon’s Rose Parade is much better because they have actual strippers on the floats). The Rose Parade unfortunately doesn’t translate to TV, because those floats could just as easily be made of plastic. You have to be able to be close enough to touch the roses, and smell them. But football translates very well on TV—in fact you could make an argument that TV was invented FOR football. The nice thing about the Rose Parade is that it’s a prelude to the most anticipated game of the day, The Rose Bowl, which this year is the most intriguing match up: Wisconsin and TCU. These other four games that happen first (and all, oddly, feature Big Ten teams) are little but featurettes for the Big One. But I’ll cover them, because I’m being paid to do so.

By some genius of scheduling, the first four games all START AT THE SAME TIME. What idiot made that decision? Well, I guess that’s why they have four TV networks and remote controls. To be fair, one is on an hour earlier than the others, so I’ll check in there. ABC AND NBC both have coverage of the Tournament of Roses Parade, Fox has infomercials, which isn’t surprising since Fox is worthless. But CBS has some show called Busytown Mysteries! Where’s the football? I guess no coverage of the TicketCity Bowl, named, I guess, because they can’t GIVE tickets away. I saw some halftime highlights and the stands looked empty. Too bad, because it’s turning out to be a pretty good came. Texas Tech is off to an early lead, but Northwestern is making a comeback.

Finally a game on TV! The Outback Bowl (short for Outback Steakhouse Bowl [Outback STIKE-House—their logo is a football shaped like a boomerang, for God’s sake!]) is a pleasant luv-fest (it’s Urban Meyer’s last game before become SUBURBAN Meyer, and Joe Paterno’s last game THIS SEASON. If you don’t totally LOVE Joe Paterno, get to therapy RIGHT NOW). Two perennial cool uniform favorites, Florida and Penn State, both wearing their best combinations: the Gators in all white with the Orange helmets, very classic, none of those hideous Nike high fashion experiments they’ve been known to pull out of some designer’s ass. The Nittany Lions with the black shirts, white pants, white helmet, black shoes (it’s sounding like that Ian Dury song), no words, no school name, no player names, no trim, except for the simple black stripe down the middle of the helmet. How glad we are were that they decided not to put the Nittany Lion on the side of the helmet (though the Nittany Lion mascot is great—he looks like a stuffed animal that escaped from a thrift store, drunk). So plain are those uniforms, the simple black numbers look garish. Maybe they should consider ROMAN NUMERALS (though everyone would want number ten). As unadorned as those uniforms are, that hideous Outback Steakhouse logo pasted on the front makes it look like they threw up their Kookaburra Wings on the front of their jerseys. My only complaint are these huge, white v-neck collars which just detract from the black shirts, and look to me, frankly, a little bit gay. They look like big ribbons, like they should be sporting giant gold medallions or something, or soap-on-a-rope. Not surprisingly, another Nike design.

I’m trying to find the Capital One Bowl, refreshing in that they don’t try to pretend that it’s not all about money. NBC has “The Capitals,” but it’s the Washington Capitals, a hockey team. HOCKEY?! There’s an “all sports” channel, 4.4 (lot more broadcast channels in the digital age!) but they’re showing the 2005 Ironman Triathlon! Yeah, I really wanted to see a repeat of THAT! Not surprisingly, considering their worthlessness, Fox is running more infomercials. But the shocking thing, CBS, who act like they INVENTED sports, are showing... INFOMERCIALS!

So, I guess the only way I have to check in on these other games is to READ about them, on the internet—how lame is that?! Final: Alabama 49, Michigan State 7. At the beginning of the season Alabama was ranked #1 and Michigan State were playing basketball, so what is surprising here is what happened to Alabama during the regular season? That’s about all I can say about this game, since I can’t actually SEE it. They might be wearing chicken suits and tutus for all I know.

The Gator Bowl—ehhh. Mississippi State ahead of Michigan 52 to 14 with six minutes left. The only thing not ugly about that is Michigan’s uniform, maybe the best in college football. Unless maybe they all went out to the Nike Store before the game and bought something hideous. They sure didn’t seem to pick up a DEFENSE during the month of December, that’s for sure.

That’s all for now! Next up: The Rose Bowl!

Sun Bowl

I was just thinking about how I was going to make ends meet in 2011 and this sweet gig fell right in my lap. It’s kind of a dream job for me, writing about football, because those who know me know my two major passions are the gridiron and long green. In these harsh economic times the sad truth is that a man needs a second job, and sometimes a third. I know that I’m lucky, in these harsh economic times, to have even one job, but as many of you know, wages have not kept pace with the cost of living. In fact, many of you have more than likely grown tired of my repeated requests for loans, payday advances, and other forms of the long green, and will happily receive this news of what will hopefully be fruitful and illuminating reportage and supplement to my income.

In anticipation of the heart of bowl season, I went out and bought a post-Christmas on sale TV, a high definition Vizio model that seems to work quite well (and if you didn’t know, TV’s are much lighter in weight these days). I also bought a mid-priced Radio Shack powered antenna, and I’m happy to report I can receive about twenty channels, some of them in amazing digital high def quality, only dreamt about by the fathers of our country. The early bowl games have all been on ESPN, and most of them have held little interest for our community except for the Boise State game, a travesty which I might pontificate on later after this season plays out.

The first broadcast game then, today, New Year’s Eve, and why should I be surprised that it is none other than my televised nemesis, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Many of you have more than likely grown tired of hearing me complain about how they hold the airwaves hostage, or at least one of the networks. I guess the idea being that we’re ALL supposed to Notre Dame fans or something, which makes no sense to me. An interesting thing I found out today, however, is how they didn’t play in bowl games for a very long period of time, I guess finding them unseemly (though, I suppose since 1970, the money has kept pace with the unseemliness).

The Sun Bowl, in El Paso, Texas, was graced with heavy snowfall that had to be cleared from the field before the game could be played. The Irish’s opponents, the Miami Hurricanes were mortified by the 30 degree temperatures and played like it. Notre Dame’s backup quarterback played well, in spite of his young age. I think he was 13, but maybe that was his number. He did not look old enough to drink in Indiana, though in Florida, who knows. The game held little interest for me aside from the excellent uniforms. Miami always look good in orange and green, and probably the most stylish helmet logo in college football. Oh, and one thing I keep wondering about the Irish helmets, which you probably know are painted before each game with actual gold flake paint, is why, as steeped in tradition as they like to boast, do they choose to wear the hi-tech helmet style that resembles the aerodynamic bicycle helmet? I’m not saying they should go back to not having a facemask, but a simple rounded helmet would be much more appropriate.

College Football Bowl Coverage

Look no further than The Moss Problem for complete college football Bowl coverage. This bowl season Randy Russell will be reporting on all the big games, and even some of the smaller ones, though as you know, sometimes they’re going on at the same time, and some of the lesser ones might not be televised. We look forward to the day when there is a “Moss Problem Bowl” but that might be a few years off yet.

All of the Moss Problem correspondents are welcome to report on their favorite games, even those who despise football! Though due to “The Economy” we are only able to pay Mr. Russell, and believe me, he’s not going to be socking away a lot for retirement.

Anyway, this has been an exciting year with a lot of controversy, and we hope it continues—well, the excitement more than the controversy. And make sure you vote in Big Ten renaming divisions POLL, on the sidebar here. Thousands have already let their voice be heard, though we haven’t recorded the tallies yet, as their has been a bit of a snafu with the IT department.

I want to wish everyone a happy and healthy and prosperous, etc., New Year.

Best, Tony

New Names for Big Ten Divisions R Us!

You have no doubt heard by now that the proposed names for the Big Ten’s two new six team divisions, “Legends” and “Leaders” has been met with overwhelming and universal loathing, to say the least. Not so much because it makes little sense which teams would be designated as each, or because of the fear that Legends wouldn’t be seen as Leaders and Leaders wouldn’t be considered Legends, but because those names are about as subtle as a drunk and clunky as a bad excuse. Or maybe you like them. Read no further, and crack open another peach schnapps wine cooler.

Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany, in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding, has announced that his office will reconsider the names (in what must be seen as an effort to hold onto incensed, vomiting fan revenue in these harsh economic times) (and amidst the increasing popularity of soccer). In an unprecedented move, the powers that be have admitted their lameness and opened the floodgates to tens of thousands of beer-fueled, sports-bar composed emails and text message suggestions for alternative names for the divisions in question. Unsurprisingly, most are worse than the original sorry attempt. However, a few quality outfits like The Moss Problem have agreed to set up polls featuring some of the better suggestions kicking around the airwaves. The Big Ten promises to take notice and “let the people speak.” It’s a lot cheaper than hiring Wieden+Kennedy.

Here is a sampling of the top 16 candidates, which incidentally is the number of teams that will be in the Big Ten by the end of the next decade. Please note: in a brilliant twist on the rivalry concept, some division names are comprised of a “positive” name (Wheat Division) and a “negative” name (Chaff Division)—the idea being that the winner each year will “capture” the positive name for its division for the following year—sticking the losing team’s division with the embarrassing one.

Kings
Emperors

Dorks
Nerds

Dictators
Strongmen

Crips
Bloods

Red States
Blue States

Corn Division
Soybean Division

Pork Division
Beef Division

Bo’s Bastards
Woody’s Wackos

Wheat Division
Chaff Division

Walter Camp Division
Walter Mitty Division

Jim Thorpe Division
Duane Thorpe Division

Joy Division
Pansy Division

Ghoulardi Football Division
Ruggle’s Beat Division

Nike Division
Adidas Division

Freedom Division
Economy Division

Great Plains Division
Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments Division

An Open Letter and Apology from the Editor

Over the last dozen or so years, The Moss Problem has been a leader in reporting on cutting edge entertainment, sports, and political news, as you all know. In recent months it has come to light that the fine reporters and writers for The Moss Problem have been paid far lower than industry standards for similar work, and in some cases have been paid late, and with "latex checks." While it is my position that many of these allegations have been exaggerated, I do admit, as editor for this journal, a responsibility for cutting corners and trimming fat where editorial content is concerned.

From this day forth, as a remedy for these conditions, and in order to maintain stringent artistic standards in these harsh economic times, it will be henceforth the policy of The Moss Problem to award writers and artists by means of full editorial credit only, in lieu of monetary compensation. It is our belief that by eliminating the stigma of payment for writing and artwork, the credibility and journalistic integrity of this journal's contributors will be increased, which will benefit everyone involved, including the reader, who will rest assured that no thought of anything but passion for the subject matter was a contributing factor in creation of the work. In this way, the reader will be assured of the highest journalistic integrity, we believe, available in both print medium and over the World Wide Web.

In a similar vein, I would like to, at this time, confess that for the last quarter of a century, or perhaps longer, I was under the impression that the proper and preferred method of disposal for paper towels in public restrooms was to deposit them in commodes. So deluded was I, that each time I would see an official or hand-written plea to please, do NOT dispose of paper towels in toilets, I read it--apparently due to both my believing I knew what was preferred, and my dyslexia--as a plea to do exactly the opposite of what they were requesting. So, yes, it has been I, Anthony Franciosa, who has been depositing paper towels in toilets from New York to London, from Paris to Milan, from Buenos Aires to Beijing, and in all points in between. And especially at Starbucks locations in the greater Los Angeles area. For this I sincerely apologize.

BSC Rankings

The Moss Problem is proud to announce that it has been selected as one of the 158 independent sports writing publications that make up the sports journal arm of the Bowl Series Championship computer rankings. From this week until the end of the NCAA College Football season, The Moss Problem will have a hand (finger, hangnail?) in selecting the top 25 college football teams in the country.

According to a memo accompanying our selection, The Moss Problem was selected for its high degree of journalistic integrity and unique vision in the face of nearly overwhelming fan base noise. Cited as influencing the decision, was The Moss Problem’s continuing emphasis on non-traditional factors in team ratings, including: defensive domination, coaching idiosyncrasy, home uniform colors, away uniform colors, helmet style and colors, celebration aesthetics, and “extracurricular,” which includes mascot quality, band, and fan traditions. The Moss Problem Poll, rather than trying to assert which team is “best,” based on performance thus far, is a ranking of perceived excellence as well as prediction of final ranking at the end of the season.

Week of October 18, 2010.

1. Oregon

2. Auburn

3. TCU

4. Wisconsin

5. Stanford

6. Ohio State

7. Boise State

8. Michigan State

9. Arkansas

10. Oklahoma

11. Virginia Tech

12. Nebraska

13. LSU

14. Missouri

15. Arkansas

16. Oklahoma State

17. Nevada

18. Texas A&M

19. Utah

20. South Carolina

21. Florida State

22. Mississippi State

23. Oregon State

24. Iowa

25. Hawaii

The Last Airbender in 3D

Now available on 3-D BluRay for selected handheld zombie devices!

Projecting forth to the “future” of “2010”—when it is prophesied that the world is destroyed—the “Airbender” moves awkwardly from his home: 1958 Thelma Corners, Georgia. Carrying far too much of pics load in his metal lunchbox, Airbender (who he finds is the last of his kind in 2010), Harry Potter series’ Tommy Tuberville, thrusts and jousts, taking every opportunity to launch an object at the 3D lens: a playing card, samurai sword, a loogie, a torrent of slo-mo Spaghetti-o's with a wet paper towel sauce, reminiscent of last years “The Last House on The Left in Connecticut.” It soon becomes clear that plot and action are a crippled mare pulling the 3D cart of multiple golden bootie winners Laszlo Kovacs’ widescreen digital Airiflex Hercules.

Airbender is not without its satisfying forked paths upon forked paths of helmer scribe Night Slymon’s trademarked multiple endings upon multiplexed endings. There is more prophecy evident than a glowing Guadalupe on a tortilla chip. The lush, retro hypocrisies of the late Fifties provide a blanket of God and Family, missing from chaotic mess of New York City, which Airbender arrives, unexplained more mysteriously than time travel. Apparently the Port Authority Bus Terminal has a portal in its damaged, glass-enclosed Rube Goldberg billiard ball sculpture, which then takes on dual function as touchstone and subplot.

Karate kicking his way through the panic of Times Square—where tourists from Kansas to Arkansas seem to have arrived to view the apocalypse on the side of skyscrapers projected amid cola and SUV ads—Airbender finds his powers are all too amplified with the sudden years as he horrifies himself and onlookers as he incinerates a family of eight from Toronto. Subplot upon similar subplot pile up on Airbender’s bony shoulders: now he must find virtual darkened doorway pockets of time travel where he can quickly retrieve the innocent victims to their pre-charbroiled state, while offering sage McNuggets of advice like, you can now watch the World Series in the comfort of your own home on the new Sony Telethon 3D Plasma wall model.

Climax enfolds in the unlikely guise of Times Squares “Grey McDonalds”—for Airbender has had only to travel 3 blocks of location shooting to 3D in and out of years 2001, 2004, 2112 (Rush), and 1963 Dallas. Spoiler Alert! Satisfying twist ending with truffle oil and portabella mushrooms. Special features include featurette and making of featurette featurette, Also, interactive “script machine” let’s you dictate the dialogue for subjectivity, and patented “The Future Has Many Paths” ending dictator, lets you watch pic over 144 times with unique results. Gimmick didn’t work with Clue: The Motion Picture because it’s always Colonel Mustard, but here the murderer is never the Airbender, and gimmick proves pointless. One criticism: Making Of Featurettes are not in 3D. Note: special features assume pic will garner DVD release. More likely strategy, keep in theaters indefinitely and milk box office like a treacherous snake.

I never lied to you except for that one night.

And that time at the chicken restaurant. And that day we were arrested for standing up for what we believed in. And on that plane to Arizona. And in the back seat with the hitchhiker. And after that Solstice party at Never-Never-Land. And at that horrible dinner at Steve and Irene's. And on top of "Old Smokey." And during that aborted shopping trip to T.J.Maxx. And tethered to that octopus. And when we had that argument about "The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover." And in line at "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers." And in the submerged Cooper Mini art thing. And over Dr. Zinn's dumplings at the Golden Palace. And during the six years of couple's counseling. And on the vacation to Mazatlan. And during the World Cup. And at the infamous dinner at my pervert Uncle Snack's houseboat. And at the Cheesecake Factory. And during our cross country ordeal. And at the endless Burning Man weekend. And at confession. And in the morning. And in Guru Dave's hottub. And on the tandem bike. And the whole time we read "The Corrections" together. And in email. And in front of the neighbors' kids. And under the boardwalk. And down by the river. And over the hills. And through the night. And at high noon. And with a straight face. And wearing a hat. And eating Hole-In-One donuts. And about your weight. And about my exes. And about my feelings. And about lying about that one night.

The Silence of the Vuvuzelas

The sports world will never be the same since the 2010 Fifi World Cup introduced the auditory excitement to the world. Tried watching the British open, and even the wind couldn't hide the lack of vuvuzela excitement, nor could cries of, "Get it in the hole."

I for one will support the promotion of the crazy plastic horn at American events from now forth. Flushing Meadows this Labor Day will be the test case of stateside vuvu-prowess. Don't let the authorities ban the horn, we have First Amendment rights here in the United States of America. I'm no lawyer, but I believe it covers expressions of the horn.

Friendly's Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt

Just in case you're the last person on Earth to hear about the sandwich everybody's talkin' 'bout, the new Friendly's Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt is an ingenious invention: it's like a regular hamburger, but instead of having a bun it utilizes a grilled cheese sandwich instead of the bottom half of the bun and a grilled cheese sandwich for the top half of the bun. If you can picture that. If you can't, seeing how you're reading THIS online, try searching for the above named sandwich and you'll be rewarded with images galore. Make sure you have your search settings on "safe search OFF," and watch out if you're doing it in a public library; patrons have been known to be ejected for less.

It should be pointed out that Friendly's didn't invent this sandwich; records can be located of precisely similar sandwiches with names such as: "The Fatty Melt" and "The Chubby Melt" and "Fat Fuck Frank's LiteLunch." But Friendly's should be commended, in spite of them being reprehensible in every way imaginable, for bringing this culinary artwork to the masses. Crybabies all across cyberville will complain about calories and clogged arteries, but this sandwich is really pretty mild compared with what's out there.

It made me think of Akron, Ohio's Corral Restaurant, still open last I heard, which boasts a sandwich called "The NiteMare." To the best of my memory, it's a standard cheeseburger with pickles, tomato, and all that, but also plenty of onions, or was it onion RINGS... or both?! Wait, I'm not done. The NiteMare also contains some kind of lunch meat ham, or bologna! Wait, I'm not done. The real genius of this sandwich is that it ALSO contains a fried egg!

Of course, there will always be bigger and bigger, to the point of absurdity and impossibility. Sure, if you WANT to, you could put a side of beef between two large deluxe stuffed pizzas and call that a really big sandwich. But who are we fooling? A sandwich should be something that one person eats during one meal, can hold in both hands, and can get your mouth around. The nice thing about the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt is that it pushes boundaries, but is still reasonable.

The real exciting thing about this sandwich is the way it alters reality and creates a wrinkle in the universe. It's as if you had, for instance, a book in which the cover was also a book, or perhaps pages placed between two books. It's still a book... but also something more. And when you think about it, what's stopping you from infinity? Imagine a hamburger, with, instead of a bun, has grilled cheese sandwhichs as buns, but each of those grilled cheese sandwiches have, instead of bread, cheese burgers on either side of the melted cheese, and each of those cheeseburgers have, instead of buns, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches... and on and on into total insanity.

The one criticism of this product is its name, which even NOW I can't remember. It's a hard name to care about, or indeed, remember. Let's start a letter writing campaign to Friendly's with suggestions of what else they might call this new sandwich. Go nuts and think of your own, mail it in to the home office, and if they don't change it, boycott them! Anyway, here are some ideas: The Crazy Burger; The Lead Blanket; Fried Heaven; Hercules Burger; Threefer One; The LeBron; The Sophisticated Executive; The Aristocrat.

Exclusive: LeBron to Knicks!

After last minute wheelings and dealings, feints in the direction of a half dozen cities—some, even, without NBA franchises—and a late night heart to heart with rival Kobe Bryant over waffles at a 24hour Johnnie's Family Restaurant in Phoenix, LeBron James has announced that he will sign with the New York Knickerbockers for the 2010/2011 NBA season and possibly beyond, a source told The Moss Problem at the less than necessary coat check of Manhattan's 21 Club.

World Cup 2010 Comprehensive Update

"Enough with the bloody BEE-HORNS!!"

Live Coverage: Cote d'Ivoire vs. Brazil!

Cote d'Ivoire wearing green and Brazil in Yellow. 0 - 0 tie for a long time. I'm looking in the refrigerator and Brazil scores! Halftime. No one has EVER come back to beat Brazil when they're leading at halftime, in the history of the WORLD.

That funny sound isn't because of cheap microphones, as once suggested, but because every single person in the stadium is blowing on a plastic horn called a vuvuzela. If you close your eyes, I guess, you could imagine it's New Years. At least it's not bagpipes! Some people absolutely freak out because of the vuvuzelas. They say because it sounds like a swarm of killer bees. There are two types of people, I've found. Those who enjoy the vuvuzela and those who despise it. Which are you? Maybe American sports fans, particularly football, should adopt the vuvuzelas at their contests! One positive it would have is that while you've got that thing in your mouth you're not downing quarts of beer and hotdogs. So there is an upside, healthwise. Though it's probably not good for the hearing. Plus, I'd bet Americans would make a battery-powered version of the vuvuzela so that they could continue to drink beer and eat hotdogs. And those might be even louder. I'm sorry I mentioned it!

Now it's the second half. Brazil scores again! And again! Finally Ivory Coast scores. Now it's a game! But then fights break out. An old-fashioned Donnybrook. Kaka gets a red card! "Caca" yell the Brazilian players at the officials. Where's the instant replay? Answer: Soccer hasn't yet been RUINED by instant replay, like American sports. Though guys laying all over the field like it's a Civil War reenactment isn't a very pretty sight, either. Is it THAT rough out there? Then get some pads. Or are they just flopping like a bunch of trout? If that's that case, then there really is no hope. Look, I can't even get up to get a beer until halftime and I already missed four goals, so while I'm sitting here, I expect to see action, not a bunch of guys writhing in pain. And if it's fake, well, that's the other thing that's ruined American sports: bad acting, or good acting... in a word: acting. Save it for the dinner theatre, guys.

Your World Cup Headquarters

"The Moss Problem" is YOUR World Cup Headquarters!

Check back every five minutes for complete up-to-date 2010 World Cup news, scores, predictions, and analysis. Our complete staff of soccer enthusiasts will tell you who is going win and why, and then examine the results in meticulous depth.

Tired of watching your lo-def TV coverage? Do you wonder why it sounds like you're listening to it through a metal vacuum cleaner extension? We at "The Moss Problem" LOVE that sound. We've found that you can listen to reruns of "Win, Lose, or Draw" down a metal vacuum cleaner extension and it has the same energy and excitement of World Cup soccer!

Check back for recaps and analysis, interesting anecdotes, and insider human interest stories about recent match-ups.

Today's conservative prediction (though please don't hold us accountable when gambling):

USA - 34
England - 28

Zombies In The Park!

ZOMBIES IN THE PARK (2010)

Director: James Cameron

Writers: Douglas Coupland, Diablo Cody, Shane Black

Cast:
Chazz Palmintari — Eddie
Jamie Foxx — The Professor
Keira Knightley — Peaches
Lindsay Lohan — Mrs. Pemberton
Robert Downey Jr. — Mr. Pemberton
Sarah Wayne Callies — Laurie
Christopher Walken — Dr. Love
Will Geer — Pritchard
Mickey Rooney — Mr. Yunioshi
Terry-Thomas — Bobby

Tagline:
Save our parks!

Plot:
A seemingly peaceful city park is transformed into a cauldron of horror when behind every tree and bush comes jumping out suddenly and without warning a bloodthirsty zombie or two.

There's a Guy Who Knows How to Dress

It's no secret that I am totally in love with Bob Costas. I mean, I actually find myself -- occasionally -- watching SPORTS -- just because of him. I'd like to cure myself of this obsession, but when I see him -- here at the Winter Olympics -- wearing something like this most awesome suit jacket, shirt, and tie combination I've ever seen on a TV commentator -- it only makes my admiration stronger, my obsession deeper, and my love more complex. I think I love the suit even more than I love Bob.

LOVE MY WAY

Dunkin' Donuts "Haunchies"

I’m excited by a new product that showed up literally on my doorstep today (well, I was buying coffee on my way to work and saw an ad for it). I’m afraid it might fail, however, due to lack of conviction by the parent company, and everyone else involved, it seems. The ad was small and washed out, with a terrible picture. Food photography is an art, but that doesn’t mean you can just close your eyes and snap the picture. A photograph of a delicious looking plate of spaghetti, for instance, is not spaghetti at all—but I’m completely off the subject.

I’m talking about new DUNKIN’ DONUTS “HAUNCHIES”—bite sized snacks for when you’re too busy for a whole donut, I guess. The existing product copy says: “It’s not a donut… and they’re not holes—new Dunkin’ Donuts Haunchies—for when you’re on the go.” I kind of like the off rhyme, but generally I find this pretty awkward and poorly written. I’m going to try my hand at writing a new ad, and then maybe try some of the Haunchies themselves, myself—see, for some reason everything about this product seems to come out awkwardly! Well, let’s give it a try:

“When is a donut hole not a donut hole? When it’s a CHAIR! That’s a joke! To soften you up to the new, bite-size(ed) snack from Dunkin’ Donuts, called The Haunchie! Though it shouldn’t take much softening, really—The Haunchie is soft, and as delicious as it looks. More delicious, really. And sugar-coating isn’t necessary—The Haunchie already took care of that. It’s not a donut, and it’s not a hole. Well, a donut hole isn’t really a hole, is it? There’s something to think about. When is a donut hole not a donut? When it’s the NEW DUNKIN’ DONUTS HAUNCHY. Or Haunchies, when it’s plural."

IT’s harder than it looks, this advertising business. Maybe I should leave it for the professionals. But really, I think this Haunchy, or Haunchies, is, or are, just a hard product to deal with. Awkward, and kind of messy. But that’s probably what they thought about hot dogs when they were first invented, and look where hot dogs are today!

Why I Love (Touchdown) Jesus

In case it’s not obvious, that title is meant to be sarcastic. I love Jesus, okay? But I am not a fan of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, because as a college football fan without cable TV or ESPN, I’ve been forced to endure their crappy teams and boring games week after week on broadcast TV for years, while the games I wanted to see were not shown. But then, when a journalist has to start out by pointing out his sarcasm, she can’t really complain about “crappy.” I’d advise you to stop reading this right now and do something more productive!

The final play of the Texas Nebraska game—Colt McCoy loses his mind, takes way too long and sails the ball out of bounds, really wanting that touchdown, but settling on setting up a field goal—but he’s taken too long—the game is over—Nebraska wins! Except then they did a review, and because the ball hit a railing—on someone’s condo or something—rich people bullshit encroaching the field—rather than sailing harmlessly to the ground—they decided the clock should stop at that point, and put a second on the clock—time enough for Texas to kick a game winning field goal. It’s kind of like those situations in baseball where an outfielder is going to catch a ball, and a fan reaches out of the stands and catches it first. I’ve heard they’re considering, in struggling markets, setting up some four star restaurant tables right in the outfield so wealthy fans can have dinner there and further interfere with the game. You couldn’t really do that with football, but what’s with this “official review” madness? What’s next? Why not have an official video review after every single play in football? The game can last 12 hours, and there will be plenty of room for commercials.

Why is this important, really? Because if they didn’t do the review, or that structure wasn’t there, and the ball hits the ground, Nebraska wins the game, and Texas doesn’t go to the National Championship game. Instead, Cincinnati rightly goes to the championship game, and Brian Kelly, instead of taking the Notre Dame job, stays at Cincinnati. Bob Stoops takes the Notre Dame coaching job, and they go 3 and 9, 6 and 6, and 4 and 8 in the next three years before he’s fired and then Brian Kelly eventually gets the Notre Dame job. The Touchdown Jesus works in mysterious ways.

Advertising Awards 2009

Lauren found a dream on her laptop.

Wendy's New Sweet & Spicy Asian Chicken

The flight to the mountaintop thwarted by starvation and disease, Pamela Anderson nude and Jennifer Love Hewit nude. A Botticelli nude greeted us with the first bite, and again and again memories persisted. We entered the valley with great trepidation and made our way among the vast and treacherous footholds of wisdom, we ripped the top off of the henhouse and our eyes were met my flightless birds also songless, though bathed in riches, saffron and rubies. Alyssia Milano nude,Pamala Hewit nude, slithering on the East side of the mountain, melted by early summer runoff and fermenting ecstasies Each bite was met with full shock and discovery of contradictions, sweet and sour, hot and not-so-hot, flavorful and tasteless, inexorable and uxorious, limber and lumber, the chimps set sail. Trapped inside a four foot square cell for the winter with Camoran Diaz nude we hibernated like the ducks and geese, mewwing, and purring, dreaming of a past when fangs and claws ripped flesh from the earth and the durian and the christian. David Thomas would not love this, head of the boy scouts of America, head of PereUbu, head of the severed. The Francis Bacon hallucination hanging in the trees at the edge of the park, glowing orange, swallowing up all around it.

New Mountain Dew VolTage

I just saw this in the store and immediately bought it because, for one, it's NEW, and also because I was attracted to the light blue color of the liquid itself. I will buy any and all food that is the color blue... at least once. As with all new products, and especially energy drinks, I expected the worst, but I was pleasantly surprised that it has a pleasant flavor for an artificially flavored soft drink. Though the word “soft” is hardly appropriate for highly caffeinated Mountain Dew of any variety, except for Caffeine-Free Mountain Dew. The word for that is: pointless.

Apparently they had a contest to pick the new flavor in a national contest called "Dewmocracy" — claiming that it was created by DEW drinkers, which of course isn't true. But I guess they did offer three possibilities, and had a vote... though I'm skeptical about the fairness of the process, as DEW drinkers are the kind of people who will compulsively vote like a thousand times. Letting DEW drinkers pick anything is a scary idea; if they were the only ones voting for president... I don't want to think about it. Can you picture: President David Allan Coe?

The good news is that this stuff is not only drinkable, it's pretty darn good. No identifiable flavor really: I'd call it blue, or artificial blue flavor. There is a small amount of ginseng, supposedly, but don't count on it being any more than would sit comfortably on the head of a pin. There is brominated vegetable oil, which all the good soft drinks contain. And the best, and most surprising thing, it's not too sweet! I don't know how THAT happened, but it's a welcome "DEW-velopment." Though, for my taste, it could be less sweet still. And don't worry, there is still enough caffeine and sugar to give you a hefty lift, before dropping you about a half hour later like a baby from the greasy fingers of a bad, crack-head boyfriend. But then you buy more, and more, and more. It hasn't been determined yet, at press time, if it makes you pee blue.