New Mountain Dew VolTage

I just saw this in the store and immediately bought it because, for one, it's NEW, and also because I was attracted to the light blue color of the liquid itself. I will buy any and all food that is the color blue... at least once. As with all new products, and especially energy drinks, I expected the worst, but I was pleasantly surprised that it has a pleasant flavor for an artificially flavored soft drink. Though the word “soft” is hardly appropriate for highly caffeinated Mountain Dew of any variety, except for Caffeine-Free Mountain Dew. The word for that is: pointless.

Apparently they had a contest to pick the new flavor in a national contest called "Dewmocracy" — claiming that it was created by DEW drinkers, which of course isn't true. But I guess they did offer three possibilities, and had a vote... though I'm skeptical about the fairness of the process, as DEW drinkers are the kind of people who will compulsively vote like a thousand times. Letting DEW drinkers pick anything is a scary idea; if they were the only ones voting for president... I don't want to think about it. Can you picture: President David Allan Coe?

The good news is that this stuff is not only drinkable, it's pretty darn good. No identifiable flavor really: I'd call it blue, or artificial blue flavor. There is a small amount of ginseng, supposedly, but don't count on it being any more than would sit comfortably on the head of a pin. There is brominated vegetable oil, which all the good soft drinks contain. And the best, and most surprising thing, it's not too sweet! I don't know how THAT happened, but it's a welcome "DEW-velopment." Though, for my taste, it could be less sweet still. And don't worry, there is still enough caffeine and sugar to give you a hefty lift, before dropping you about a half hour later like a baby from the greasy fingers of a bad, crack-head boyfriend. But then you buy more, and more, and more. It hasn't been determined yet, at press time, if it makes you pee blue.

Mountain Dew Billboard

I just saw a shocking billboard, in which there was a ball and chain attached to a can of Mountain Dew, and then it looked like a person was attached to, or crushed by, the big (green) iron ball! As weird as this is for an ad, I guess it's at least being kind of honest-- it's just going right out and saying, yes, this soda is full of caffeine and sugar, and it's addictive! I mean, I kind of like Mountain Dew in that way-- it tells it like it is. Mountain: redneck, cracker, peckerwood. Dew: looks like piss. Lots of sugar. Lots of caffeine. Not subtle. But still, that ball and chain thing is kind of nuts. But I guess if cigarette companies were still allowed to advertise, they'd be doing much the same thing.