Showing posts with label college football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college football. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

BFR College Football National Champions: UCF Knights!

This week's BFR – final edition: Broadcast Football Rankings – December 5, 2017

1. UCF Knights
2. Clemson Tigers
3. Oklahoma Sooners
4. Georgia Bulldogs
5. Ohio State Buckeyes
6. Wisconsin Badgers
7. Auburn Tigers
8. Alabama Crimson Tide
9. Southern California Trojans
10. TCU Horned Frogs
11. Miami Hurricanes
12. Penn State Nittany Lions
13. Washington Huskies
14. Stanford Cardinal
15. Memphis Tigers
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Oklahoma State Cowboys
18. Boise State Broncos
19. Michigan State Spartans
20. Virginia Tech Hokies
21. LSU Tigers
22. Northwestern Wildcats
23. South Florida Bulls
24. Washington State Cougars
25. Michigan Wolverines

The bogus college football playoff selection committee was able to come up with the final rankings, playoff selections, and bowl selections mere hours after the last game was played, which doesn't allow much time for deliberation – but was necessary so they could have their Sunday extravaganza on ESPN. Our guess is that the most important considerations involved some briefcases full of cash and a lot of influence by ESPN and their advertisers, as all but about 5 minor bowl games are on ESPN. Eventually they will figure out how to reduce the whole thing to a gigantic Las Vegas video game, so there will be no human element or actual chance involved at all. You have to ask yourself why human beings want to become robots with no free will; a lot of handwringing has been done about artificial intelligence lately—computers taking on the qualities of humans, but no once seems to be worried that humans are losing any ability to deal with or willingness to accept any scenario that is not according to script.

As sad as the college football playoff system has turned out to be, this year had some pretty clear-cut top teams, but the real baffling inclusion was that of Alabama. Since schedules are determined years in advance (something else that would do well to change) it is not entirely Alabama's fault that their schedule was so weak this year; who would have guessed that teams like Florida State, LSU, Tennessee, Mississippi, Mississippi State, Arkansas, and Texas A&M would have become so weak? Of course, scheduling teams like Mercer, that could be something they improve in the future. Regardless, they were able to dominate weak teams all year, but other than that, just why is it that there is a consensus that Alabama is just better than everyone else on every level, even plagued with injuries this year (again, unfortunate and not their fault). I have always loved Alabama football tradition, but I loved them more when they were fun to watch, and not a product of the tight-ass, crybaby conservatism of Nick Saban. My theory on why Alabama was slipped into the fourth playoff spot was that whoever is in charge didn't want to hear him whine, and it's likely he even threatened to retire, and no one wants that, not even me. Anyway, the point is, if you happen to be someone shelling out a lot of money for cable TV, where is that money going?—and as you watch the endless commercials during these games, where is that money going?—and when you see the well-dressed football teams, wearing gloves—essentially advertisements for sports apparel companies—that actually hinder their performance—where is all that money going? Corruption is a word that does not begin to suffice.

On a happier note, congratulations to The University of Central Florida Knights—the BFR 2017 National Champions. Their last two games (against South Florida and Memphis) were the two most exciting games of the entire season. Two years ago the Knights went 0-12, and this year, undefeated. It is really unfortunate that the biased, greedhead collage football ranking know-it-alls are unable to even consider that a team not from one of the big money conferences could actually be competitive, much less on the top of the college football world—they act like the divide between the SEC and the AAC is similar to the divide between college and the NFL. This makes no sense, and it's not like there are not always some really poorly performing teams in the “power conferences.” One of the more disappointing things about this mentality is how coaches will jump from these “lesser” programs to an “elite” program, which constantly puts the schools that don't have deep pockets at a disadvantage. I could go on and on, of course, but a rule of mine is I cannot stay on my soapbox longer than I am able to stand on one leg—and I'm about to collapse. So another heartfelt cheer for the UCF Knights, who, to those who were paying attention, showed the college football world how it's done, and how this sport can be filled with excitement, passion, and joy. --H. Houndstooth.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.28.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 28, 2017

1. Wisconsin Badgers
2. UCF Knights
3. Clemson Tigers
4. Oklahoma Sooners
5. Auburn Tigers
6. Georgia Bulldogs
7. Alabama Crimson Tide
8. Miami Hurricanes
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. TCU Horned Frogs
11. Memphis Tigers
12. Penn State Nittany Lions
13. Stanford Cardinal
14. Southern California Trojans
15. Washington Huskies
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Oklahoma State Cowboys
18. Michigan State Spartans
19. Virginia Tech Hokies
20. LSU Tigers
21. Northwestern Wildcats
22. South Florida Bulls
23. Michigan Wolverines
24. Washington State Cougars
25. Boise State Broncos


Only a handful of games left this weekend before the BFR determines the BFR National Champion and Top 25, but it's still totally up in the air, so that's kind of exciting! The Collage Football Playoffs has become a fiasco and has to change. It is our opinion that were better off with smaller conferences and no conference championship games, and the traditional bowl games (broadcast on TV) at the end of the season, after which different entities crowned their national champion. Of course, there is always a lot of disagreement. I hate to break the news here, but there's always going to be a lot of disagreement anyway. But for some reason it's important for sports-fan morons to have an “undisputed” champion, so how about this system? Go back to the traditional bowl games (I mean, bowl games that don't double as playoff games) after which a/“The” committee can pick the top 32 teams to enter in a football tournament starting in January. Each of these match-ups will be best of seven, in order to have a more fair determination of the “better team.” We should, if spaced properly, be able to determine the national champion by the end of the school year. Players can then enter the NFL draft or take a much needed summer off to recuperate. --H. Houndstooth.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.21.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 21, 2017

1. Miami Hurricanes
2. Wisconsin Badgers
3. Alabama Crimson Tide
4. UCF Knights
5. Clemson Tigers
6. Oklahoma Sooners
7. Auburn Tigers
8. Georgia Bulldogs
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
11. TCU Horned Frogs
12. Southern California Trojans
13. Memphis Tigers
14. Penn State Nittany Lions
15. South Florida Bulls
16. Mississippi State Bulldogs
17. Stanford Cardinal
18. Washington Huskies
19. Washington State Cougars
20. Michigan State Spartans
21. Oklahoma State Cowboys
22. Boise State Broncos
23. Michigan Wolverines
24. LSU Tigers
25. Virginia Tech Hokies


Only two weeks left in the college football season and until the crowning of the National Champion by the BFR. For most teams, who will not be playing in their conference championship games, this coming weekend is the last, so everyone make the most of it! Sad but true, it's almost over. At least college football is still alive, but just barely. With the mainstream media's constant obsession with the bogus college football playoffs and the ESPN Bowl Series, you would think the season hasn't even started. With the media's connection to and focus on sports gambling, you'd think the most important outcome is how much money you will win or lose with your bookie. Vegas, pay-cable broadcasting, and the obsession with “playoffs,” trophies, and awards, have already killed pro football and basketball (I'd say baseball, too, but at least the World Series is still on TV), as well as the NCAA basketball tournament (or at least nearly ruined it), and even tennis (now ESPN only) and NASCAR (about half on cable). That leaves us golf, and the collage football regular season, but what will the future hold, in the hands of these greedy bastards? Enough of my hot air, now, and hopefully the last two weeks will be exciting! --H. Houndstooth 

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.14.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 14, 2017

1. Miami Hurricanes
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Wisconsin Badgers
4. Clemson Tigers
5. Oklahoma Sooners
6. Auburn Tigers
7. UCF Knights
8. Georgia Bulldogs
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
11. Southern California Trojans
12. TCU Horned Frogs
13. Oklahoma State Cowboys
14. Penn State Nittany Lions
15. Mississippi State Bulldogs
16. Memphis Tigers
17. Washington State Cougars
18. Michigan Wolverines
19. South Florida Bulls
20. Washington Huskies
21. North Carolina State Wolfpack
22. Virginia Tech Hokies
23. West Virginia Mountaineers
24. Michigan State Spartans
25. Stanford Cardinal


The college football season started off with hurricanes postponing and cancelling games and it has ended with the Hurricanes on top. But wait, there are still three weeks left before we crown a National Champion, and anything can happen. Many teams have only two games left, so it's time to make the most of it. Then a few will play in conference championships and have the opportunity to either pull themselves up or fail miserably. Predictions for this week: Mercer pulls off the upset of the year at Alabama. Miami and Wisconsin finally lose a game, and Georgia, Notre Dame, and Washington all continue their late season collapses. UCF moves to the top of the rankings. Nick Saban continues to whine. --H. Houndstooth.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.7.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 7, 2017

1. Georgia Bulldogs
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
4. Wisconsin Badgers
5. Miami Hurricanes
6. Clemson Tigers
7. Oklahoma Sooners
8. TCU Horned Frogs
9. UCF Knights
10. Washington Huskies
11. Memphis Tigers
12. Southern California Trojans
13. Auburn Tigers
14. Washington State Cougars
15. Ohio State Buckeyes
16. Penn State Nittany Lions
17. Virginia Tech Hokies
18. Oklahoma State Cowboys
19. Michigan State Spartans
20. South Florida Bulls
21. Michigan Wolverines
22. Mississippi State Bulldogs
23. North Carolina State Wolfpack
24. Iowa Hawkeyes
25. West Virginia Mountaineers

With only three weeks left in the regular season, the college football Broadcast Football Rankings are pretty much locked—time to name a National Champion (Alabama—so we won't have to listen to Nick Saban whine) and a Heisman Trophy winner (Baker Mayfield—because he is a duel sports guy (NASCAR)). Time to say goodbye to college football for the year and move on to ice hockey. You know I'm kidding, right? --H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 10.31.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – October 31, 2017

1. Georgia Bulldogs
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
4. Wisconsin Badgers
5. Miami Hurricanes
6. Clemson Tigers
7. Ohio State Buckeyes
8. Oklahoma Sooners
9. Penn State Nittany Lions
10. TCU Horned Frogs
11. UCF Knights
12. Virginia Tech Hokies
13. Washington Huskies
14. Oklahoma State Cowboys
15. Iowa State Cyclones
16. Southern California Trojans
17. LSU Tigers
18. Auburn Tigers
19. Memphis Tigers
20. North Carolina State Wolfpack
21. Stanford Cardinal
22. South Florida Bulls
23. Mississippi State Bulldogs
24. Washington State Cougars
25. Michigan Wolverines

I don't know about you, reader, but these days I'm happier to see Halloween over than even the Christmas holiday. Since when did adults take it over from the kids? In light of all the goofy special uniforms they're wearing in college football these days, we're just lucky we didn't have a team sporting pumpkin head helmets! But seeing how this week's ranking falls on the 31st, I'm going to do a roundup of mascots in our top 25. FOUR Tigers, one Cougar, one Dr. Seuss Lion. Two Bulldogs now, one Husky, and a whole pack of Wolves. Also, Wolverines, Badgers, and a mutant reptile. Two teams named after the color red, though I'm not sure one of them isn't a discontinued laundry product that always made the whites pink. Cowboys, Knights, Bulls, and tree nuts. Two teams named after weather, and one named for an exclamation (Hokies, as far as I can tell). And let's not forget the eternal rivalry between the embattled Catholics and the product almost synonymous with contraception. Last and certainly least, the team named for early agents of genocide (Sooners). Bon appetit! --H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 10.24.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – October 24, 2017

1. Penn State Nittany Lions
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Georgia Bulldogs
4. TCU Horned Frogs
5. Wisconsin Badgers
6. South Florida Bulls
7. Miami Hurricanes
8. UCF Knights
9. Clemson Tigers
10. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
11. Ohio State Buckeyes
12. Washington State Cougars
13. Virginia Tech Hokies
14. Oklahoma Sooners
15. Washington Huskies
16. LSU Tigers
17. Auburn Tigers
18. Oklahoma State Cowboys
19. Michigan State Spartans
20. North Carolina State Wolfpack
21. Stanford Cardinal
22. Southern California Trojans
23. Memphis Tigers
24. Louisville Cardinals
25. Michigan Wolverines

Around six teams in the top 25 had the week off—which is what happens in the middle of the season, I guess. No really huge upsets, but some good football. There are a lot of undefeated teams left, which is pretty impressive at this point. Even if you're not playing great teams, it's not easy to go undefeated for seven or eight games. Even if you're playing no one, it's still tough, because you will eventually beat yourself. I am guessing there might be some big surprises in store before the end of the real football season, and the beginning of the holiday exhibition season that I'll be happy to ignore. --H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 10.17.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – October 17, 2017

1. Alabama Crimson Tide
2. Georgia Bulldogs
3. Penn State Nittany Lions
4. Wisconsin Badgers
5. TCU Horned Frogs
6. Clemson Tigers
7. Washington Huskies
8. South Florida Bulls
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. Oklahoma Sooners
11. Miami Hurricanes
12. Virginia Tech Hokies
13. North Carolina State Wolfpack
14. Washington State Cougars
15. UCF Knights
16. San Diego State Aztecs
17. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
18. Oklahoma State Cowboys
19. LSU Tigers
20. Southern California Trojans
21. Stanford Cardinal
22. Michigan State Spartans
23. Auburn Tigers
24. Michigan Wolverines
25. Memphis Tigers

Week whatever this is (I guess it's about halfway through the season) finds a couple of teams called the Tigers moving into the top 25, which means there are now FOUR Tigers there. Last I checked, except for in zoos, none of those cities have tigers roaming around. Maybe one of those teams should consider a name change? But then, the name doesn't make the team, as evidenced by the new number one, Alabama Crimson Tide; maybe the coolest name of all teams, they are the most boring to watch (unless maybe you're an Alabama fan, and like watching them crush the victims of their weak schedule). On a brighter note: it's college football—still a lot of upsets, inexplicable outcomes, and craziness to come! --H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 10.10.17

Hot off the press: BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – October 10, 2017

1. Clemson Tigers
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Washington Huskies
4. Georgia Bulldogs
5. Penn State Nittany Lions
6. Wisconsin Badgers
7. Washington State Cougars
8. TCU Horned Frogs
9. South Florida Bulls
10. San Diego State Aztecs
11. Oklahoma Sooners
12. Ohio State Buckeyes
13. Virginia Tech Hokies
14. Miami Hurricanes
15. Auburn Tigers
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Southern California Trojans
18. North Carolina State Wolfpack
19. UCF Knights
20. Navy Midshipmen
21. Oklahoma State Cowboys
22. Louisville Cardinals
23. Michigan Wolverines
24. Michigan State Spartans
25. Stanford Cardinal

CBS sports continues to push the gambling angle on college football and sees nothing wrong with that. ESPN might do that, too, but I have boycotted ESPN for ruining college sports. Boycott ESPN again, for not allowing their commentators to have opinions. Boycott all advertisers whose ads are louder than the sports broadcast. I can't see into the heart of a man, but if he ACTS like a racist, he IS a racist. Boycott the Troll Presidency. --H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 10.3.17

Your weekly hookup with the BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – October 3, 2017

1. Clemson Tigers
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Penn State Nittany Lions
4. Washington Huskies
5. Georgia Bulldogs
6. Oklahoma Sooners
7. South Florida Bulls
8. Wisconsin Badgers
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. Washington State Cougars
11. TCU Horned Frogs
12. Virginia Tech Hokies
13. San Diego State Aztecs
14. Louisville Cardinals
15. Miami Hurricanes
16. Auburn Tigers
17. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
18. Southern California Trojans
19. Michigan Wolverines
20. Oklahoma State Cowboys
21. Florida Gators
22. Utah Utes
23. West Virginia Mountaineers
24. Oregon Ducks
25. North Carolina State Wolfpack

A pretty boring week in college football. Maybe it's time to take up cricket. —H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 9.26.17

Weekly installment of the BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – September 26, 2017

1. Clemson Tigers
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Penn State Nittany Lions
4. Washington Huskies
5. Oklahoma Sooners
6. Georgia Bulldogs
7. Wisconsin Badgers
8. Virginia Tech Hokies
9. South Florida Bulls
10. Ohio State Buckeyes
11. Washington State Cougars
12. TCU Horned Frogs
13. San Diego State Aztecs
14. Southern California Trojans
15. Louisville Cardinals
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Florida Gators
18. Oklahoma State Cowboys
19. Michigan Wolverines
20. Miami Hurricanes
21. Auburn Tigers
22. Utah Utes
23. LSU Tigers
24. Duke Blue Devils
25. Iowa Hawkeyes

Things are finally starting to heat up! Next week expect TEN upsets! --yours, H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 9.19.17

Welcome to the third installment of the BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – September 19, 2017

1. Clemson Tigers
2. Penn State Nittany Lions
3. Oklahoma Sooners
4. Alabama Crimson Tide
5. Washington Huskies
6. Wisconsin Badgers
7. Oklahoma State Cowboys
8. Virginia Tech Hokies
9. Georgia Bulldogs
10. South Florida Bulls
11. Florida Gators
12. Washington State Cougars
13. Ohio State Buckeyes
14. TCU Horned Frogs
15. San Diego State Aztecs
16. Michigan Wolverines
17. Louisville Cardinals
18. Oregon Ducks
19. Southern California Trojans
20. Texas Longhorns
21. Mississippi State Bulldogs
22. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
23. Vanderbilt Commodores
24. Miami Hurricanes
25. Florida State Seminoles

It was an exciting week in college football (aren't they all) with a little more definition—though, really, at this point, you can tell just about nothing. Here in the BFR rankings, very little change on the top and the bottom (Miami and Florida State still not playing, drag! And another hurricane on its way). A lot of changes in the middle, though, teams in and out. Next week, sure to be more upheavals. We predict some huge upsets (you'd be a fool to not predict upsets—but who, exactly?) —best, H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 9.12.17

Welcome to the second installment of the BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – September 12, 2017

1. Clemson Tigers
2. Penn State Nittany Lions
3. Oklahoma Sooners
4. Alabama Crimson Tide
5. Washington Huskies
6. Georgia Bulldogs
7. Southern California Trojans
8. Wisconsin Badgers
9. Virginia Tech Hokies
10. LSU Tigers
11. Oklahoma State Cowboys
12. South Florida Bulls
13. Michigan Wolverines
14. Louisville Cardinals
15. Washington State Cougars
16. Kansas State Wildcats
17. TCU Horned Frogs
18. Utah Utes
19. Ohio State Buckeyes
20. Oregon Ducks
21. Auburn Tigers
22. Stanford Cardinal
23. Florida Gators
24. Miami Hurricanes
25. Florida State Seminoles

Notes: After two weeks of college football you can tell so much more about how much you can't tell yet, which is ultimately nothing. For all the journalists who are already predicting which teams will be in the “playoffs”—give it a rest. Why don't you just turn college football into the next March Madness in your pathetic fantasy sports world? For everyone who is blaming individual players (anytime, but especially already), there is a special place in Hell for you. For everyone involved in sports gambling (I mean as a business, where you profit on this), there is another special place in Hell for you. There are a lot of special places in Hell; it's not clear if they visit each other. I hope so. I made a point not to change the rankings of the teams that had to cancel due to the hurricane, that's a drag. Hopefully next week will be without natural disasters, but I wouldn't count on it. What I do count on is the upsets and surprises will continue to surprise us, and if they upset you, maybe you should switch to a boring, predictable sport like the NFL. 
--Yours from a special place in Hell, H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 9.5.17

Welcome to the first installment of the BFR (Broadcast Football Rankings) – September 5, 2017.

1. Clemson Tigers
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Michigan Wolverines
4. Penn State Nittany Lions
5. Oklahoma Sooners
6. Ohio State Buckeyes
7. Stanford Cardinal
8. LSU Tigers
9. Wisconsin Badgers
10. Washington Huskies
11. Auburn Tigers
12. South Florida Bulls
13. Virginia Tech Hokies
14. Georgia Bulldogs
15. Oklahoma State Cowboys
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Southern California Trojans
18. Louisville Cardinals
19. Washington State Cougars
20. Utah Utes
21. Iowa Hawkeyes
22. Kansas State Wildcats
23. Florida Gators
24. Miami Hurricanes
25. Florida State Seminoles

Notes: It's hard to tell much after only one week of football, since some teams started out playing closely matched opponents, while other teams played schools who merely cobbled together a team for the occasion. But a lot more was evident than BEFORE the first week, and that didn't stop the Ass. Press from coming up with rankings—based on what? That you won a national championship four years ago? Anyway, here is the first Moss Problem BFR college football ranking. If you don't agree, here is whose butt you can kiss: H. Houndstooth

Monday, September 4, 2017

Introducing the BFR: Broadcast Football Rankings

Even though I have the biggest satellite dish allowed by the FCC, it has come to my attention that the only sports left on broadcast television are football and golf. It is my personal opinion that college football is the finest sport out there, but it has been severely compromised by the introduction of the Bowl Championship era, as well as sports betting. Therefore, we here as the Moss Problem have introduced a new ranking system called the Broadcast Football Rankings. (BFR.) This is an anonymous and secret board of sportswriters who will come out with a new ranking after each week of college football, which will then be posted here by Moss Problem reporter, H. Houndstooth, along with a rundown of the recent action.

The BFR ranking will not take into account or be influenced by Las Vegas odds, sports bookies, or organized crime, which we feel has absolutely no business being part of amateur athletics. Furthermore, we will crown a National Champion in the first week of December, following the major conference championship games. We will then consider the college football “bowls” exhibition games, having no bearing on the championship, as they have been corrupted with the big money and gambling influence of cable television and organized crime. It is our sincerest hope that this change, and this new ranking system, will bring the college football fan back to the long past excitement and accessibility of this great sport.

—Anthony Franciosa, Editor, The Moss Problem, September 2017

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Revenge

Wednesday nights on ABC

The action opens during the war between the Hamptons and New York City on the continent known as Los Angeles, which is most likely identified with modern-day Greenland. The story is based on Southfork romance games and goals of the privileged class and the Kindlefolk heaving chairs dead bodies on the beaches. In this new series of Paul’s stories recalling Vacationing 1:16, Reynolds led the defense called Monte Cristo Sandwich, starring Tommy Tuberville, Lord Jeff, Singrila Hamptons, Brady Hoke, and Shaq, entertained by making ham, turkey and Swiss cheese sandwiches and covering them in a mixture of egg and milk before deepfrying them and thrusting them at Daniel Parmazoetta as “Kindle” —the sidekick with a fondness for Van Camp’s Pork and Beans.

Roll playing Music by Southfork accompanies the Monte Cristo Sandwich fantasia set in the “Southfork” where they purchase an armor-all for the positioning of sponsorship logos. Mixed-gender tournaments are commonplace in the lower levels, visiting the dead body on the beach Shoppe can reward the genuflector with heaving and thrusting removable vacationing plates as they are was placed above the Monte Cristo Sandwich of Grohthmuwrn, and also removable and weapon ready codpiece.

Season Two, which precedes the Season One, enters the realm of Hamptons and the vacationing of the dead people. Ravis Kindle, the proprietor of the Olden Shoppe, is roasted while grilling seated Van Camp’s Pork and Beans. The spadroon and the heavy swordplay incidents that are heaving Hamptons Monte Cristo Sandwich experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Kindle Kola with his guide Southfork the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is more often an expression of cocksmanship while vacationing, is in the Prequel and enforces vacationing as aesthetic Molotov in an ideological stew. Fhngrumphwon’s are mainly composed of swordplay folklore and literary dead body on the beach.

Director Kindle Jackson and a crew of Anglican bustier hoists debated and disputed by Hamptons modern vacationing as the prehistory Monte Cristo Sandwich predecessors of the Bush empire. Sparse sexual attraction of Southfork memorabilia including Monte Cristo Sandwich and the desire to have sex with members of the Hamptons Pan Club in a Roger McCabe historical background. Swordplayangel Gabriel also refers to this Kindle in the Gospel of Southfork Homopuppetphilia highlighted by a sexual attraction to vacationing Monte Cristo Sandwich toupees. The dead body on the beach eventually come forth to best Mr. Keilor and the Hat. Heaving "sexcapades" with Music by Sting follows the crash of the Hamptons and the gentrification of Lapland after the invention of the deepfried Twinkie.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Best College Football Team Names

Idaho Vandals
St. Louis Billikens
Whittier College Poets
Webster Gorlocks
UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs
Evergreen State Geoducks
Southeastern Oklahoma Savage Storm
Presbyterian Blue Hose
Tufts Jumbos
Amherst College Lord Jeffs
Trinity Christian College Trolls
Bethany College Terrible Swedes

Worst College Football Team Names

LSU Tigers
Princeton Tigers
Memphis Tigers
Clemson Tigers
Texas Southern Tigers
West Alabama Tigers
Tennessee State Tigers
Missouri Tigers
Jackson State Tigers
Pacific Tigers
Auburn Tigers

Monday, January 10, 2011

Tostitos Championship

I thought the Fiesta Bowl was the Tostitos Bowl, but apparently this one is, too. Did you ever wonder why pretty much every tortilla chip by local and obscure companies all are pretty good, as well as similar to each other, and then you have Tostitos, which just really suck, but they probably sell more than any of the others? There’s got to be another reason besides that they spend more on advertising and store placement. Or maybe there isn’t another reason.

I admit I’m in a bad mood. It’s one thing not putting the countless bowl games on TV, but the national championship? It’s like the Superbowl or the World Series not being on TV! I have to look for updates on the internet... how depressing. I feel like Randle Patrick McMurphy when they won’t let the patients watch the World Series, in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The NCAA plus ESPN equals Nurse Ratched.

Maybe I should just try to be well-adjusted and watch what’s on. Again it’s the thin Brett Favre and countless blond women with weird jawlines. More winter sports on the sports channel. And again, some TV show with Tim Roth. I just shouldn’t let that bug me. If one day Tim Roth got hired where I work, in the mailroom, for $9 an hour, and I was training him... I really think that would disturb me. I’d say, well Tim, I’m going to show you how to do the FedEx’s now. But can I call you Mr. Orange?

I’m wondering now, could it be a conspiracy to get football fans to watch the NFL more? But how would that work? It would have to be at the NCAA’s expense. But somebody here, some slimeball, is filling their pockets. You don’t have a huge event on TV year after year, with massive ratings and all, and then suddenly NOT have it on TV, unless someone is benefiting. Well, anyway, that’s it for me. No NCAA football for at least a decade, because I hold a grudge. I could watch other sports, I guess. I could watch the NFL, but I don’t know—I just find it so boring. It’s like watching a bunch of meatheads crushing beer cans with monster trucks.

Not being able to see these two top-rated college teams in the last game of the year, it’s probably a good time to mention how I don’t buy it as a national championship game anyway. For one thing, TCU would beat either of these teams. So would Boise State. But we’re supposed to believe that one team has superiority over another because of their height and weight and how fast they run a 40 yard dash? I designed an intricate diagram for a playoff system for 16 teams, in which the top-rated 8 would start out with a bye, but then that whole system seemed too sissified, and I changed my mind about that. I think there should be 64 teams in the playoff. End the regular season a week early and go right into the playoff. You could call it December Madness, or maybe something more catchy and original.

Okay, I’ve just about had enough. Trying to write about a sporting event I can’t even watch. What am I supposed to do, rush out and buy CABLE, like a good little victim? No, I’m not going to, and I’m not going to watch NCAA football anymore, or NCAA anything, or sports, any sports, for that matter. And I quit this stupid job, too. Glad I got paid in advance. Thanks, Tony. I’ll keep the money, for my aggravation.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Sugar Bowl

It seems pointless to sit here and describe how I sat there and scanned the TV channels once again for coverage of the Sugar Bowl, finding only more depressing reality shows about losing weight, mutant youth obsessed with dance, and overwrought dramas with guys who look like badly aging Ray Liottas waving around guns. There’s a several hour long infomercial for plastic surgery. ABC is showing science fiction porn, or maybe it’s not porn. It’s people from another planet having sex. I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m surprised, at this point—though I am—I thought Ohio State had some kind of deal with ABC or something. I can just hear Brent Musburger: “The Ohio! State! Buckeyes!” And then introducing a player... “And he’s a good one.” And then the action, “It’s a foot race!” I love Brent Musburger! But “Hold on folks!” No Brent Musburger. Though I suppose he might be on ESPN. I’ll never know.

I guess I’m beyond the “Anger” stage—which would have been when I threw the TV across the room, and the “Bargaining” stage, too—firmly planted in “Depression.” Though I am still confident that the national championship game—which is next Monday—will be on TV. So I guess you could say I’ve reverted to the “Denial” stage, after all. I could do a recap of the Sugar Bowl, but by this time, if you even care at all, you know all about the “gold pants incident,” the streaker, the banana peel incident, the back flip into the stands, the world record delay for “further review,” Kid Rock’s penis slipping out during the halftime entertainment, and Tressel punching an Arkansas player after an interception.

There’s always tonight’s game, though I’m not even going to TRY to find it on TV. It’s the GODADDY.Com Bowl. I don’t know what “Go Daddy” is, but they have a bowl game, and it’s Miami of Ohio, from Oxford, Ohio (a town I was politely asked not to return to after multiple incidents in 1978) against Middle Tennessee, which is—I don’t know—one imagines Jack Daniels drinking Hobbits. The Redhawks Vs. The Blue Raiders, and folks, don’t go away, because we have a good one here (tied at halftime).

Oh, well, if you can’t watch football on TV, there’s always youtube: