The Big One

Review: New Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box

When I was a little kid I used to regularly have dreams about nuclear war, standing in the street in front of my house, looking up at the sky which had turned green. All is silent. There is no violence, no explosions, and no one is moaning or crying, and everyone is resigned to the fact that we'll all be dead soon. I wonder what kids have nightmares about now? Maybe asking their phone a question and their phone getting inappropriately intimate.

The New Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box, originally marketed as the Amazing Death Row Last Meal Box, costs $19.99 and you don't have to be a math genius to realize that either it's subsidized with a federal death and destruction grant, or else Pizza Hut is making an aggressive play for the entire fast food empire market with one grand gesture.

"The Box" includes: not one but TWO pizzas, for those times when you finish a pizza and think, "That was good. I sure wish I had... more pizza." But wait... there are also EIGHT wings, which means the wings of four chickens. And just in case you're not full yet, there are half a dozen bread sticks! Because you need vegetables, also included is some spicy tomato sauce in which you can dip your bread sticks, your wings, and your pizza, if you feel like it. For breakfast there are six Norwegian rolled up pancakes dusted with powdered sugar and drowning in maple flavored syrup. Four rolled up Denver omelets completes the most important meal of the day. Wash it all down with a box of Starbucks White Chocolate Mousse Mocha. By now it's almost noon so you can break out the box of Sunny D-lite which can be mixed on the premises with a smaller box of Skol Vodka. And don't forget dessert: your choice of rolled up German chocolate cake, chocolate suicide cake, or New York Amaretto cheesecake. Or choose all three, if that's your choice! And as a concession to health, a half liter box of heart-healthy red wine. No meal would be complete without an after-dinner cigarette... chose from Marlboro, Winston, or Newport. And just to be safe, find a small box of Redbull and a packet of morning after pills. Rest on a foldout cot for two (or one large person) with a space blanket and nite toy and start the next morning with half a dozen mini Krispy Kreme microwave donuts.

Shoot... a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

Gubbinal

That strange flower, the sun,
Is just what you say.
Have it your way.

The world is ugly,
And the people are sad.

That tuft of jungle feathers,
That animal eye,
Is just what you say.

That savage of fire,
That seed,
Have it your way.

The world is ugly,
And the people are sad.


—Wallace Stevens

Best Doughnuts (Baker's Dozen)

Ol’ Fashion Cake
French
Apple Frittos
Butterflies
Freedom
Prather
Poinsettia
Chaw, The
Rocky Top
Ranch
Soggy
Tufted
Numeir
Novel, The

Dunkin' Donuts "Haunchies"

I’m excited by a new product that showed up literally on my doorstep today (well, I was buying coffee on my way to work and saw an ad for it). I’m afraid it might fail, however, due to lack of conviction by the parent company, and everyone else involved, it seems. The ad was small and washed out, with a terrible picture. Food photography is an art, but that doesn’t mean you can just close your eyes and snap the picture. A photograph of a delicious looking plate of spaghetti, for instance, is not spaghetti at all—but I’m completely off the subject.

I’m talking about new DUNKIN’ DONUTS “HAUNCHIES”—bite sized snacks for when you’re too busy for a whole donut, I guess. The existing product copy says: “It’s not a donut… and they’re not holes—new Dunkin’ Donuts Haunchies—for when you’re on the go.” I kind of like the off rhyme, but generally I find this pretty awkward and poorly written. I’m going to try my hand at writing a new ad, and then maybe try some of the Haunchies themselves, myself—see, for some reason everything about this product seems to come out awkwardly! Well, let’s give it a try:

“When is a donut hole not a donut hole? When it’s a CHAIR! That’s a joke! To soften you up to the new, bite-size(ed) snack from Dunkin’ Donuts, called The Haunchie! Though it shouldn’t take much softening, really—The Haunchie is soft, and as delicious as it looks. More delicious, really. And sugar-coating isn’t necessary—The Haunchie already took care of that. It’s not a donut, and it’s not a hole. Well, a donut hole isn’t really a hole, is it? There’s something to think about. When is a donut hole not a donut? When it’s the NEW DUNKIN’ DONUTS HAUNCHY. Or Haunchies, when it’s plural."

IT’s harder than it looks, this advertising business. Maybe I should leave it for the professionals. But really, I think this Haunchy, or Haunchies, is, or are, just a hard product to deal with. Awkward, and kind of messy. But that’s probably what they thought about hot dogs when they were first invented, and look where hot dogs are today!

Wendy's New Sweet & Spicy Asian Chicken

The flight to the mountaintop thwarted by starvation and disease, Pamela Anderson nude and Jennifer Love Hewit nude. A Botticelli nude greeted us with the first bite, and again and again memories persisted. We entered the valley with great trepidation and made our way among the vast and treacherous footholds of wisdom, we ripped the top off of the henhouse and our eyes were met my flightless birds also songless, though bathed in riches, saffron and rubies. Alyssia Milano nude,Pamala Hewit nude, slithering on the East side of the mountain, melted by early summer runoff and fermenting ecstasies Each bite was met with full shock and discovery of contradictions, sweet and sour, hot and not-so-hot, flavorful and tasteless, inexorable and uxorious, limber and lumber, the chimps set sail. Trapped inside a four foot square cell for the winter with Camoran Diaz nude we hibernated like the ducks and geese, mewwing, and purring, dreaming of a past when fangs and claws ripped flesh from the earth and the durian and the christian. David Thomas would not love this, head of the boy scouts of America, head of PereUbu, head of the severed. The Francis Bacon hallucination hanging in the trees at the edge of the park, glowing orange, swallowing up all around it.