The Moss Problem and this sportswriter have obtained exclusive news that the Milwaukee Bucks are in smoke-filled room negations to sign LeBron James to a three-year contract of unprecedented proportions in order to bring new life and another NBA championship to the Brew City's only professional sports team. Sources could not be named at this time, in an effort to protect H. Houndstooth's continued access to information that could otherwise prove litigious for interested parties. Readers will be asked to accept this story on faith and check back frequently for more breaking details as they surface.
The details that are known: LeBron was
reported to have visited the Buck's new half-billion dollar sports
area, set to open for next year's season. James was impressed with
the as yet unnamed arena in the heart of downtown Milwaukee,
remarking that it reminded him of a “giant Arby's,” his favorite
sandwich franchise as a youth in Akron, Ohio. Part of the
negotiations could hinge on the arena being named either “LeBron
Arena” or “Giant Arby's.”
Bucks general office has neither
confirmed nor denied these rumors, but an exclusive interview with an
unnamed franchise insider has reported plans to dump the contracts of
the entire team, including all of the “slow, 7-footers with names
no-one can pronounce” in an unprecedented move to re-build with a
legitimate superstar and “a supporting cast who wants to be there,”
and for whom winning is more important than salary. This potential
restructuring, if it transpires, could send shockwaves through
professional sports as far a future franchise building is concerned.
In other exclusive Bucks news, it has
also been reported that both the front office and James are in
negotiations with former NBA superstar and Milwaukee native, Latrell
Sprewell as a candidate for player-coach, because as has been
reported, Sprewell remarked, “I may be pushing 50 but I can still
dunk over most of the pussies currently playing in the league.”
James, it is reported, is pushing this deal, as he has admiration for
both Sprewell's game and his history of direct player-coach
relationships, as “no pussy-footing around.”
James and Sprewell, reported, also see
eye-to-eye concerning matters of great consequence for the NBA going
forward, including uniform standards, and both veterans consider
themselves “old-school” and not fans of the new form-fitting,
over the shoulder styles and long pants that may be be standard as soon
as 2019. They also are against the use of NFL receiver
styles “gloves” which are being introduced by Nike as soon as
next season. When approached for comment about any of these rumors,
James and Sprewell both declined to comment, but it is noted that in
both cases, each of them replied with a double "thumbs up," and in the
case of James, what sounded like, “Aaaaaaay.”
H. Houndstooth
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