Best Country & Western Songs of 2010

(Let’s Drink to) This, That, and the Other Thing
You Gotch A’nother Think Comin’
(When I Lost My Cellphone) I Lost My Mind
“Your Honor, She SAID She Was Fourteen!”
They Asked Me Not To Return (To Nashville)
(My Car Alarm is Louder than) Your Husband
It Is What It Is (Except When It Ain’t)
(Will My Illegitimate Children Take Care of Me) When I’m Older?
(There’s No Kind of Pork) I’m Not In Love (With)
Love Ur Country (or I’ll Back Over Your Head with My Dodge Ram)
(My Cowboy Boots Smelled So Bad) They Walked to the Store All By Themselves (and Bought Themselves Some Odor-Eaters)

Best Books I Read Last Year

The Girl with Hair – Steve Kelly
Ranch Dressing – Donna Miller
Athletic Shoes – John Burns
Coffee Cup – Howard Jones
Autumn – Patricia Norman
A Very Large Drink – Tom Wall
Pencil-In – Deborah Davis
American Eggs – Charlie Walsh
Clean Floor – Chris Albert
Cars and Automobiles – Barry Cartwright
It Was What It Was – F. Winston Cox

Best Doughnuts (Baker's Dozen)

Ol’ Fashion Cake
French
Apple Frittos
Butterflies
Freedom
Prather
Poinsettia
Chaw, The
Rocky Top
Ranch
Soggy
Tufted
Numeir
Novel, The

Eleven Best Movies of 2010

The Apartment

The Fugitive Kind

Breathless

Peeping Tom

Purple Noon

Psycho

La Dolce Vita

L’Avventura

Elmer Gantry

The Bad Sleep Well

The Testament of Orpheus

Best College Football Team Names

Idaho Vandals

St. Louis Billikens

Whittier College Poets

Webster Gorlocks

UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

Evergreen State Geoducks

Southeastern Oklahoma Savage Storm

Presbyterian Blue Hose

Tufts Jumbos

Amherst College Lord Jeffs

Trinity Christian College Trolls

Bethany College Terrible Swedes

Worst College Football Team Names

LSU Tigers

Princeton Tigers

Memphis Tigers

Clemson Tigers

Texas Southern Tigers

West Alabama Tigers

Tennessee State Tigers

Missouri Tigers

Jackson State Tigers

Pacific Tigers

Auburn Tigers

Top Eleven Songs of 2010

Fountainhead – “Robot Voice ‘R’ Us”
Piker – “Letz Auto-Tune”
PX – “Love That Mechanical Voice”
Liberal Arts – “Mechanical Voice - Works – Volume I”
Rantum-Scootum – “Fully Loaded Auto-Tune”
Silent Rhubarb – “All Hail Soulless Mechanical Voice”
Sal G. – “Mechanical Voice This!”
The Hoodie String Pullers – “Experiments with the Harmony Vocoder: #1, #3, #8 & #5.3”
Ass Onions – “Up Your Auto-Tune”
Bacty – “Enuf! Mechanical Voice”
Drug Store Schlemihl – “It is Mechanical Voice Is What It Is”

Plus, hounorable mention:
Various Artists – “Music for Twiddling Knobs”

Best of 2010 Lists Go To Eleven

It's that time of year, when we look at the previous year and turn everything into lists.

Actually, a lot of people make these "Year End" lists much earlier, which I think is ludicrous. How about all the movies, books, products, etc. that come out right around Christmas? Some of the best stuff of the year comes out after the 15th of December.

So I have insisted we wait until January.

Also, since it's 2011, these lists are all going to have ELEVEN items, rather than the traditional ten.

This is only one reason you'll have to look no further than The Moss Problem for your year end LISTS!

Tostitos Championship

I thought the Fiesta Bowl was the Tostitos Bowl, but apparently this one is, too. Did you ever wonder why pretty much every tortilla chip by local and obscure companies all are pretty good, as well as similar to each other, and then you have Tostitos, which just really suck, but they probably sell more than any of the others? There’s got to be another reason besides that they spend more on advertising and store placement. Or maybe there isn’t another reason.

I admit I’m in a bad mood. It’s one thing not putting the countless bowl games on TV, but the national championship? It’s like the Superbowl or the World Series not being on TV! I have to look for updates on the internet... how depressing. I feel like Randle Patrick McMurphy when they won’t let the patients watch the World Series, in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The NCAA plus ESPN equals Nurse Ratched.

Maybe I should just try to be well-adjusted and watch what’s on. Again it’s the thin Brett Favre and countless blond women with weird jawlines. More winter sports on the sports channel. And again, some TV show with Tim Roth. I just shouldn’t let that bug me. If one day Tim Roth got hired where I work, in the mailroom, for $9 an hour, and I was training him... I really think that would disturb me. I’d say, well Tim, I’m going to show you how to do the FedEx’s now. But can I call you Mr. Orange?

I’m wondering now, could it be a conspiracy to get football fans to watch the NFL more? But how would that work? It would have to be at the NCAA’s expense. But somebody here, some slimeball, is filling their pockets. You don’t have a huge event on TV year after year, with massive ratings and all, and then suddenly NOT have it on TV, unless someone is benefiting. Well, anyway, that’s it for me. No NCAA football for at least a decade, because I hold a grudge. I could watch other sports, I guess. I could watch the NFL, but I don’t know—I just find it so boring. It’s like watching a bunch of meatheads crushing beer cans with monster trucks.

Not being able to see these two top-rated college teams in the last game of the year, it’s probably a good time to mention how I don’t buy it as a national championship game anyway. For one thing, TCU would beat either of these teams. So would Boise State. But we’re supposed to believe that one team has superiority over another because of their height and weight and how fast they run a 40 yard dash? I designed an intricate diagram for a playoff system for 16 teams, in which the top-rated 8 would start out with a bye, but then that whole system seemed too sissified, and I changed my mind about that. I think there should be 64 teams in the playoff. End the regular season a week early and go right into the playoff. You could call it December Madness, or maybe something more catchy and original.

Okay, I’ve just about had enough. Trying to write about a sporting event I can’t even watch. What am I supposed to do, rush out and buy CABLE, like a good little victim? No, I’m not going to, and I’m not going to watch NCAA football anymore, or NCAA anything, or sports, any sports, for that matter. And I quit this stupid job, too. Glad I got paid in advance. Thanks, Tony. I’ll keep the money, for my aggravation.

The Sugar Bowl

It seems pointless to sit here and describe how I sat there and scanned the TV channels once again for coverage of the Sugar Bowl, finding only more depressing reality shows about losing weight, mutant youth obsessed with dance, and overwrought dramas with guys who look like badly aging Ray Liottas waving around guns. There’s a several hour long infomercial for plastic surgery. ABC is showing science fiction porn, or maybe it’s not porn. It’s people from another planet having sex. I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m surprised, at this point—though I am—I thought Ohio State had some kind of deal with ABC or something. I can just hear Brent Musburger: “The Ohio! State! Buckeyes!” And then introducing a player... “And he’s a good one.” And then the action, “It’s a foot race!” I love Brent Musburger! But “Hold on folks!” No Brent Musburger. Though I suppose he might be on ESPN. I’ll never know.

I guess I’m beyond the “Anger” stage—which would have been when I threw the TV across the room, and the “Bargaining” stage, too—firmly planted in “Depression.” Though I am still confident that the national championship game—which is next Monday—will be on TV. So I guess you could say I’ve reverted to the “Denial” stage, after all. I could do a recap of the Sugar Bowl, but by this time, if you even care at all, you know all about the “gold pants incident,” the streaker, the banana peel incident, the back flip into the stands, the world record delay for “further review,” Kid Rock’s penis slipping out during the halftime entertainment, and Tressel punching an Arkansas player after an interception.

There’s always tonight’s game, though I’m not even going to TRY to find it on TV. It’s the GODADDY.Com Bowl. I don’t know what “Go Daddy” is, but they have a bowl game, and it’s Miami of Ohio, from Oxford, Ohio (a town I was politely asked not to return to after multiple incidents in 1978) against Middle Tennessee, which is—I don’t know—one imagines Jack Daniels drinking Hobbits. The Redhawks Vs. The Blue Raiders, and folks, don’t go away, because we have a good one here (tied at halftime).

Oh, well, if you can’t watch football on TV, there’s always youtube:

The Sunny D-Lite Orange Bowl

I don’t feel real optimistic, but this is the ORANGE BOWL! It’ll be on TV, right? I try ABC first, but there is some guy who looks like the porn version of Brett Favre wearing a suit, at what looks like an extremely ritzy funeral, but he is smiling, not sad, and women come into greet him one by one, all wearing really formal dresses that accentuate their breasts (one is wearing her breasts on the OUTSIDE of her dress). They look like porn actresses, actually, or maybe someone who would host the Orlando Citrus Parade. It’s just an endless stream of them, coming out of one of those really big limos, and each one is saying something to Brett (I turn up the sound; they’re saying things that sound like a parody of what people would say on a date). I go close up to the TV. Uhhh... they’re really shiny and weird. Each of the woman have kind of similar jaws, like they have something wrong genetically. Maybe this is a rich guy and he’s into that?

Endless commercials now, check other channels. Fox has a dreadful looking hospital show. On 4.4 there are people skiing down a really huge mountain, that’s looks petty good. On NBC, really bad actors with guns in front of 100% CGI backgrounds. CBS there’s sitcom, kind of classic, completely nondescript living room, and laugh track. Is that Charlie Sheen? Why does that not surprise me. Back to NBC, endless commercials, could be football on here. Maybe this is a show, not a commercial. No, it’s for Yoplait lite. More commercials. More. “Coming up”... more commercials. Something called: The Biggest Loser. Oh, this is the show, it seems to be a reality show about losing weight. What an idea.

Now I’m pulling in a channel called 4.2, the show is “Nonstop Foodies”—a lot of silly people talking really fast, fast camera, movement, lots of cuts, someone said “Shiitake Mushroom” like they mastered the pronunciation about a half-hour ago. More commercials. Oh, how to make an “authentic New York Cheesecake.” Which is interesting. It’s one of those things that once you see the ingredients, you’ll never eat it again.

Back to Fox, no football, just one of those overwrought dramas with some guy waving a gun around the WHOLE show, hostages, etc, the camera jerking around. Is that Tim Roth? No, it can’t be. I refuse to believe it. Maybe it’s a movie. The guy’s waving around a gun, sweating. That IS Tim Roth—not the guy with the gun. Another guy. No it can’t be, I refuse to believe it.

I turn the channel, back to the thin Brett Favre and 30 shiny women, they’re all drinking champagne Is he going to have sex with ALL of them? It’s some kind of endurance realty show! Hey, a channel called 7.2 or “The LivWell Network”—it’s Rick Bayless! I love Rick Bayless. But it’s not football. It’s definitely not the Orange Bowl.

I keep going back to that show with the guy waving the gun around. He’s still waving it around. There’s still a woman with a laptop. There’s a guy who looks like Henry Rollins. That IS Tim Roth, he’s got the gun to his head. Maybe it’s a drama AND a documentary about the making of the drama AT THE SAME TIME. But everyone looks so dire.

Rose Bowl (we wish)

This is what I’ve been waiting for, The Rose Bowl, Wisconsin vs. TCU. If you merely had a battle to the death between their mascots, The Horned Frog and The Badger, that gets my attention. This game is interesting for a lot of boring football-type reasons, but also because Madison, Wisconsin is known as the most alcohol soaked college town in the country, and TCU (which stands for Texas Christian University) is a little school of under 10,000 in Fort Worth where... well, I suppose they drink there, too. The last I heard the minimum legal drinking age in Texas was 12, or 14 if you’re driving.

The Outback Steakhouse Bowl ended on ABC, and they said, “Next up, The Granddaddy of them all, The Rose Bowl!” So I got my chair and my potato chips, ready for the big game to start, and... WTF?? Suddenly I’m watching coverage of the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. I am not kidding. I checked to see if I accidentally changed the channel. Maybe there was some network switcheroo or something, so I went through all the channels. ABC—no, it’s the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. The other channels: CBS: some kind of NFL documentary, feelgood thing, called “Sounds of the Season,” most likely how some guy overcame some adversity, like being a natural born bastard, to give up child abuse in favor of giving corny speeches at the Rotary Club. It gets worse: NBC is showing Golf: ADT Skills Challenge. Which is, I have no idea—it seems to be about retired golfers who overcame learning disabilities? Fox has slimy entertainment news from TMZ.com. Channel 4.4 is now showing the 2008 Ironman Triathlon. And back to ABC, yes, it is indeed the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. Am I going insane? There’s a man and woman who are doing that smarmy, sickening commentary, and I swear they BOTH have wide pieces of white cardboard, the kind that comes with your dry-cleaning, stuck in their mouths to look like teeth. It is truly frightening. WTF stand for What The Fuck, in case you didn’t know, and I don’t care who I offend, because this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. 

Okay, I’ve just thrown my TV across the room. I’ve calmed down a little, and I don’t think I broke it. It came off the base. I put it back together. I’ll test it later. I have to rely on the internet for updates on this football game, The 97th Annual Rose Bowl, “Brought to you by Vizio.” Not my Vizio, apparently. Okay, I guess this game is on ESPN. So you HAVE to have cable to watch it. I’m 50 years old and I’ve never had cable in my life (except for 1982, when I lived in a house that had Warner CUBE, but that’s another story). I guess this is what it’s come to. But has it really? I can’t believe this. It’s my worst nightmare. Am I the ONLY SCHMOE who’s sitting at home, thinking he was going to watch the Rose Bowl on broadcast TV, and getting thwarted? Who in the WORLD could possibly be watching these other shows on TV? You’re watching college football, and then the BIG GAME comes on and you’re supposed to say, “Oh, it’s not on. That’s okay. I’ll just watch the Citrus Parade and a little ADD golf, and maybe this cheesily narrated feelgood NFL story. Or maybe you don’t even get up and change the channel. You sit and watch whatever is ON? I’ve just watched 12 hours straight of infomercials on FOX. Hope the STATIC comes on soon. Are you telling me, on NEW YEARS DAY in the United States of America, there is ONLY ONE COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME ON BROADCAST TV?

Okay, so there’s still the chance Oklahoma and Connecticut will be on later. What joy. And now it is later, time for the Tostitos Yawn Bowl. The TV still works, that’s a positive. At least I think, until, again going through the channels: CBS has some stupid crime show, that’s supposed to look like a documentary, about how stupid and grotesque people are. NBC is showing HOCKEY! Fox has COPS, not surprisingly, and on ABC, which should be the football game, there’s a bad science fiction show with really bad acting, or maybe it’s the future, so people just normally act like bad actors, learned from generations of watching bad actors on TV.

Well, the future is now.

TicketCity, Outback, Capital One, and Gator Bowls

Happy New Year from The Moss Problem and welcome to our complete newyearsday college football bowl coverage. Six games today, and we’re at all of them, virtually. But first, there is TV coverage of the Rose Parade, in Pasadena, which I find a little stodgy (Portland, Oregon’s Rose Parade is much better because they have actual strippers on the floats). The Rose Parade unfortunately doesn’t translate to TV, because those floats could just as easily be made of plastic. You have to be able to be close enough to touch the roses, and smell them. But football translates very well on TV—in fact you could make an argument that TV was invented FOR football. The nice thing about the Rose Parade is that it’s a prelude to the most anticipated game of the day, The Rose Bowl, which this year is the most intriguing match up: Wisconsin and TCU. These other four games that happen first (and all, oddly, feature Big Ten teams) are little but featurettes for the Big One. But I’ll cover them, because I’m being paid to do so.

By some genius of scheduling, the first four games all START AT THE SAME TIME. What idiot made that decision? Well, I guess that’s why they have four TV networks and remote controls. To be fair, one is on an hour earlier than the others, so I’ll check in there. ABC AND NBC both have coverage of the Tournament of Roses Parade, Fox has infomercials, which isn’t surprising since Fox is worthless. But CBS has some show called Busytown Mysteries! Where’s the football? I guess no coverage of the TicketCity Bowl, named, I guess, because they can’t GIVE tickets away. I saw some halftime highlights and the stands looked empty. Too bad, because it’s turning out to be a pretty good came. Texas Tech is off to an early lead, but Northwestern is making a comeback.

Finally a game on TV! The Outback Bowl (short for Outback Steakhouse Bowl [Outback STIKE-House—their logo is a football shaped like a boomerang, for God’s sake!]) is a pleasant luv-fest (it’s Urban Meyer’s last game before become SUBURBAN Meyer, and Joe Paterno’s last game THIS SEASON. If you don’t totally LOVE Joe Paterno, get to therapy RIGHT NOW). Two perennial cool uniform favorites, Florida and Penn State, both wearing their best combinations: the Gators in all white with the Orange helmets, very classic, none of those hideous Nike high fashion experiments they’ve been known to pull out of some designer’s ass. The Nittany Lions with the black shirts, white pants, white helmet, black shoes (it’s sounding like that Ian Dury song), no words, no school name, no player names, no trim, except for the simple black stripe down the middle of the helmet. How glad we are were that they decided not to put the Nittany Lion on the side of the helmet (though the Nittany Lion mascot is great—he looks like a stuffed animal that escaped from a thrift store, drunk). So plain are those uniforms, the simple black numbers look garish. Maybe they should consider ROMAN NUMERALS (though everyone would want number ten). As unadorned as those uniforms are, that hideous Outback Steakhouse logo pasted on the front makes it look like they threw up their Kookaburra Wings on the front of their jerseys. My only complaint are these huge, white v-neck collars which just detract from the black shirts, and look to me, frankly, a little bit gay. They look like big ribbons, like they should be sporting giant gold medallions or something, or soap-on-a-rope. Not surprisingly, another Nike design.

I’m trying to find the Capital One Bowl, refreshing in that they don’t try to pretend that it’s not all about money. NBC has “The Capitals,” but it’s the Washington Capitals, a hockey team. HOCKEY?! There’s an “all sports” channel, 4.4 (lot more broadcast channels in the digital age!) but they’re showing the 2005 Ironman Triathlon! Yeah, I really wanted to see a repeat of THAT! Not surprisingly, considering their worthlessness, Fox is running more infomercials. But the shocking thing, CBS, who act like they INVENTED sports, are showing... INFOMERCIALS!

So, I guess the only way I have to check in on these other games is to READ about them, on the internet—how lame is that?! Final: Alabama 49, Michigan State 7. At the beginning of the season Alabama was ranked #1 and Michigan State were playing basketball, so what is surprising here is what happened to Alabama during the regular season? That’s about all I can say about this game, since I can’t actually SEE it. They might be wearing chicken suits and tutus for all I know.

The Gator Bowl—ehhh. Mississippi State ahead of Michigan 52 to 14 with six minutes left. The only thing not ugly about that is Michigan’s uniform, maybe the best in college football. Unless maybe they all went out to the Nike Store before the game and bought something hideous. They sure didn’t seem to pick up a DEFENSE during the month of December, that’s for sure.

That’s all for now! Next up: The Rose Bowl!