CIGARETTE FRIEND

It's Your Cigarette Friend in the Park at the Overlook on A Perfect Summer Day. The FedEx Men play Chess while I roll Top Cigarettes at the American Expeditionary Force Monument. Babies suckle at the Teats of a Wolf across the Toy Boat Pond. I spy a Mighty River, a Cloudless Sky, a Giant Greenhouse, and a Notebook. I hesitate. I write This Paragraph.

The Big One

Review: New Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box

When I was a little kid I used to regularly have dreams about nuclear war, standing in the street in front of my house, looking up at the sky which had turned green. All is silent. There is no violence, no explosions, and no one is moaning or crying, and everyone is resigned to the fact that we'll all be dead soon. I wonder what kids have nightmares about now? Maybe asking their phone a question and their phone getting inappropriately intimate.

The New Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box, originally marketed as the Amazing Death Row Last Meal Box, costs $19.99 and you don't have to be a math genius to realize that either it's subsidized with a federal death and destruction grant, or else Pizza Hut is making an aggressive play for the entire fast food empire market with one grand gesture.

"The Box" includes: not one but TWO pizzas, for those times when you finish a pizza and think, "That was good. I sure wish I had... more pizza." But wait... there are also EIGHT wings, which means the wings of four chickens. And just in case you're not full yet, there are half a dozen bread sticks! Because you need vegetables, also included is some spicy tomato sauce in which you can dip your bread sticks, your wings, and your pizza, if you feel like it. For breakfast there are six Norwegian rolled up pancakes dusted with powdered sugar and drowning in maple flavored syrup. Four rolled up Denver omelets completes the most important meal of the day. Wash it all down with a box of Starbucks White Chocolate Mousse Mocha. By now it's almost noon so you can break out the box of Sunny D-lite which can be mixed on the premises with a smaller box of Skol Vodka. And don't forget dessert: your choice of rolled up German chocolate cake, chocolate suicide cake, or New York Amaretto cheesecake. Or choose all three, if that's your choice! And as a concession to health, a half liter box of heart-healthy red wine. No meal would be complete without an after-dinner cigarette... chose from Marlboro, Winston, or Newport. And just to be safe, find a small box of Redbull and a packet of morning after pills. Rest on a foldout cot for two (or one large person) with a space blanket and nite toy and start the next morning with half a dozen mini Krispy Kreme microwave donuts.

Shoot... a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

Beware The Lake

In the Autumn of 1790, a mysterious man walked into town of Eas’hamton, Connecticut which is today the site of thriving metropolis Merritt-On-The-Bay. The action opens during New York City annexation of the continent known as Los Angeles, moist and identified with modern-day Connecticut. The story is based on Southfork romance games and goals of the privileged class and the Sou’wester folk heaving chairs and dead bodies on the joggle beaches. In this new series of Paul’s stories recalling Vacationing 1:16, Reynolds led the defense called Lamprey eel Luff, starring Marlinspike Tuberville, Lord Jeff, Sangrias Monkey’s Fist, fishing line incidents that are heaving Hamptons Lamprey eel Sandwich experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Sou’wester Kola Tabernacle with his guide Ms. Hoe, and Shaft, entertained by making luff, turkey and Swiss cheese sandwiches and covering them in a mixture of egg and milk before deep-frying them and thrusting them at Daniel Parmazoetta as “Sou’wester” —the sidekick with a fondness for Quayside’s Pork and Beans.

Roll playing Music by Southfork accompanies the Lamprey eel Sandwich fantasia set in the “flip logos.” Mixed-gender tournaments are recommonplace in the lower levels, visiting the freed body on the beach Shoppe can reward the genuflector with heaving cro’jack and thrusting removable vacationing plates as they are was placed above the Lamprey eel pintle of Grohthmuwrn, and also removable and weapon ready codpiece.

Season Two, which precedes the Season One, enters the realm of Luff and the vacationing of the dead people. Ravis Sou’wester, the proprietor of the Olden Shoppe, is frosted while grilling seated Van Camp’s Pork and Beans. The spadroon and the heavy fishing line macaroni rig incidents that are heaving Hamptons Lamprey eel Sandwich experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Sou’wester Kola with his guide Southfork the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is Vang more often an expression of cocksmanship embayed while vacationing, is in the Prequel and enforces vacationing as aesthetic Molotov poopdeck in an ideological stew. Fhngrumphwon’s are mainly composed of fishing line folklore and literary dead body on the beach.

Director Sou’wester Jackson and a crew of Anglican bustier hoists debated and disputed by Hamptons modern vacationing as the prehistory Montfe Cristo Sandwich predecessors of the Bush empire fardage. Sparse sexual attraction of Lumber Hooker memorabilia including Lamprey eel masthead and the desire to have sex with members, fog the Hamptons Pan Club in a Roger McCabe historical background.

Three: Grefenland. The story is based on Southfork romance games and goals of the privileged class and Cunningham the Sou’westerfolk heaving chairs dead bodies on the beaches. In this knew series of Paul’s stories recalling Vacationing 1:16, Reynolds led the defense Fishing lineage Gabriel also refers to this Sou’wester in the Gospel of Southfork Homopuppetphilia highlighted by a sexual attraction to vacationing Monkey’s Fist Sandwich tofupees. The dead body on the beach eventually come forth to best Mr. Keilor and the Hat. Heaving "sexcapades" with “music” by Sting fondly experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Sou’wester Kola with his guide Southfork the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is more often an expression of cocksmanship while vacationing, is in the Prequel and enforces lows the crash of the Hamptons and the gentrification of Lapland after the invention the kept man.

30 Under 30

The Moss Problem's annual list of The Best and Brightest:

Levitica Brant - Video
Barry Greenorth - Painting
Georgia Labourt - Philosophy/Sociology
Lava Louaurt - Digital Media
Trooper Ravanto - Culinary Arts
Kobe Kramer - Virtual Architecture
Denny Livinthrak - Environmental Media
Nico Ramdt - Experimental Audio
Kotar Tisterkorn - Fabric
Dan Brahman - Poetry (short form)
Strassa Leveric - New Media
Leper Pearlam - Digital Media
Grass Davis - Multimedia
Totom Billings - Theatre
Bree Odkiary - Sculpture
Chill Villenforth - Creative Non-Fiction
Nipe Strassberg - Short Story (Flash Fiction)
Pito DiMartini - Film
Jason Easter - Photography
Tekka Drassler - Hard Science
Mia Albers - Architecture
Trish Emanual - Philosophy
Eleanor Dinshavac - Plastic Arts
Astro Trask - Novel
Brasler Lenentoja - Music (Popular)
Dillo Maveroni - Printmaking
Rabbi Johnson - Poetry (long form)
Vester Martinez - Short Story
China Maplewood - Conceptual Multimedia
Shaura Orton - New Economics

THE FIVE MINUTES HATE

Crosstown has no color.
Crosstown has no Christ.
Crosstown has no future.

No future.
No color.
No Christ.

I dream of E-Town:
A maze in a graveyard.

Emergency Town Volunteers
Swarm city walls.

Crisis and Summit concluded,
A new name, a New Now: Ecstatic!

We honor Our Ten Trillion Dead.
All the Living wear shrouds,
Flowers crowded everywhere.

Oil and plastic teardrops in every vending machine.
The Ten Thousand Years of Peace!
Fake Face Day! At last!

We Will Never Forget 9/16

Revenge

Wednesday nights on ABC

The action opens during the war between the Hamptons and New York City on the continent known as Los Angeles, which is most likely identified with modern-day Greenland. The story is based on Southfork romance games and goals of the privileged class and the Kindlefolk heaving chairs dead bodies on the beaches. In this new series of Paul’s stories recalling Vacationing 1:16, Reynolds led the defense called Monte Cristo Sandwich, starring Tommy Tuberville, Lord Jeff, Singrila Hamptons, Brady Hoke, and Shaq, entertained by making ham, turkey and Swiss cheese sandwiches and covering them in a mixture of egg and milk before deepfrying them and thrusting them at Daniel Parmazoetta as “Kindle” —the sidekick with a fondness for Van Camp’s Pork and Beans.

Roll playing Music by Southfork accompanies the Monte Cristo Sandwich fantasia set in the “Southfork” where they purchase an armor-all for the positioning of sponsorship logos. Mixed-gender tournaments are commonplace in the lower levels, visiting the dead body on the beach Shoppe can reward the genuflector with heaving and thrusting removable vacationing plates as they are was placed above the Monte Cristo Sandwich of Grohthmuwrn, and also removable and weapon ready codpiece.

Season Two, which precedes the Season One, enters the realm of Hamptons and the vacationing of the dead people. Ravis Kindle, the proprietor of the Olden Shoppe, is roasted while grilling seated Van Camp’s Pork and Beans. The spadroon and the heavy swordplay incidents that are heaving Hamptons Monte Cristo Sandwich experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Kindle Kola with his guide Southfork the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is more often an expression of cocksmanship while vacationing, is in the Prequel and enforces vacationing as aesthetic Molotov in an ideological stew. Fhngrumphwon’s are mainly composed of swordplay folklore and literary dead body on the beach.

Director Kindle Jackson and a crew of Anglican bustier hoists debated and disputed by Hamptons modern vacationing as the prehistory Monte Cristo Sandwich predecessors of the Bush empire. Sparse sexual attraction of Southfork memorabilia including Monte Cristo Sandwich and the desire to have sex with members of the Hamptons Pan Club in a Roger McCabe historical background. Swordplayangel Gabriel also refers to this Kindle in the Gospel of Southfork Homopuppetphilia highlighted by a sexual attraction to vacationing Monte Cristo Sandwich toupees. The dead body on the beach eventually come forth to best Mr. Keilor and the Hat. Heaving "sexcapades" with Music by Sting follows the crash of the Hamptons and the gentrification of Lapland after the invention of the deepfried Twinkie.

Which one will YOU be in the year 1984?

Proletarian----Considered inferior and kept in total ignorance, you'll be fed lies from the Ministry of Truth, eliminated upon signs of promise or ability!

Police Guard----Chosen for lack of intelligence but superior brawn, you'll be suspicious of everyone and be ready to give your life for Big Brother, the leader you've never even seen!

Party Member----Male----Face-less, mind-less, a flesh-and-blood robot with a push-button brain, you're denied love by law, taught hate by the flick of a switch!

Party Member----Female----A member of the Anti-Sex League from birth, your duty will be to smother all human emotion, and your children might not be your husband's!

Endless Shrimp Are Back!

The wait is finally over! Endless Shrimp® are back with revenge! Choose from a variety of succulent severed shrimp selections such as NEW! Parmesan Romano and Garlic Brie Shrimp®, Baked Homie Meatloaf Shrimp®, Fully Loaded Freedom Shrimp®, Succulent New Revenge Headless Shrimp Outrage Platter®, Double Scampi Baron Shrimp®, Strokin’ OT Shrimp Sashimi®, Linguini Mock Turtle Neck Smart Shrimp®, Creamy Honey Alfredo Shrimp®, Virtual Lockdown Mustard Shrimp® Bite-size Mini Haunchyville Shrimp®, Mexican Hairless Shrimp Tincture®, Sapodilla Shrimp®, Total Svengali Sucker Shrimp®, Naked Tea Party Naked Shrimp®, Shrimp Again and Again Until Dead Shrimp®, Alfredo Philippe Casper Caesar Shrimp®, Iowa Deep-Fried Brain Madness Shrimp®, Sweet and Sour w/ Nothin’ On Shrimp®, Sticky Coconut Get-It-On Shrimp®, Cheesy Party with Three Types of Bubblin’ Up Cheese Shrimp®, Sands of Emo-Gee-Ma Shrimp®, Crazyhouse Aces Shrimp®, Wassup Wasabi Shrimp®, Smeagma O’Day-licious Motherofall Shrimp®, Frey & Flay One Shrimp at-a-time Shrimp®, Aged and Stamped Hairy Sphinctolitis Gouda Shrimp®, Locked and Loaded Master Shrimp®, Playin’ With a Full Nelson Shrimp®, Portabella Mock Scrotum Shrimp®. Litehouse Fluid On-the-Knee Shrimp®, Herman Goering Eustis Shrimp®, Herman Miller Herman Shrimp®, El Toboso Blistered Ohio Shrimp®, Tossed in Hurley Wrap Shrimp®, Jojoba Cast-iron shrimp Shrimp al Fresco®, Wrapt Underside Deveined Liver Shrimp®, Buffalo Sponge Candy Shrimp®, Challenger Acid Trail Shrimp®, Catch of the Day Talapia Shrimp®, Connecticut Papertowel Spaghetti Shrimp®, Kosher Burbury Shrimp®, Dennis (don’t let the) Hopper (run dry) Shrimp®, Namin’ Names Shrimp® , Turgid Livermore Shrimp®, Big White Neitzschean Shrimp®, Swollen Monster Shrimp Charles®, Denise Levertov Missle Launcher Shrimp®, Haitian Divorcee Bikeride Shrimp®, Nuclear Payload Halflife Shrimp®, Big Blackened Albini Shrimp®, Leroy Neiman Playboy Shrimp®, Jumbo Fatboy Steroidal Shrimp®, Jism Ecstas Spaceistheplace Shrimp®, Lazarus 2nd day Comin’ Strong Shrimp®, Chic-a-dee Adolpho Genesis Shrimp®, Ratzo Rizzo Snotto Shrimpo®, 420 Friendly Shrimp Shooter®, Ghonorea Payback Shrimp®, Great Wall From Space Shrimp®, Christo Covered Shrimp®, Amish Headcheese Bootstrap Shrimp Fargo®, Grease-trap Escape Bucket Shrimp®, and Visionary ShrimpJohnson®.
Only at Dead Lobster.

Gubbinal

That strange flower, the sun,
Is just what you say.
Have it your way.

The world is ugly,
And the people are sad.

That tuft of jungle feathers,
That animal eye,
Is just what you say.

That savage of fire,
That seed,
Have it your way.

The world is ugly,
And the people are sad.


—Wallace Stevens

THE AMERICAN EARTHQUAKE by Edmund Wilson

In the newer part of town, the East Forties, looking down from a high upper window, one takes account of the monstrous carcass of the Grand Central Station and Palace, with its myriad skylights and its zinc-livid roofs, stretched out like a segmented seaworm that is almost unrecognizable as a form of life. Beyond it rise the upright rectangles of drab or raw yellow brick----yellows devoid of brilliance, browns that are never rich----perforated, as if by a perforating machine, with rows of rectangular windows; the stiff black fingers of factories; blunt truncated meaningless towers; a broken scrambling of flat roofs and sharp angles which is yet a compact fitting-in; and then the lead-silver river strung across with its skeletal bridge. In the middle distance, the sky itself seems to be overdisplaced----like a pool in which a large safe has been dropped----by a disagreeably colored hotel, brownish yellow like a bronchial trochee and so immense that its cubic acres seem to weigh down the very island, almost to make it sag. A flock of pigeons that fly below have the look, in the dull light, of wastepaper blown by the wind.

LOVE IN A VOID

Game of Thornes

The action opens during the war between the Hrthoh Empire and the Krills of the North on the continent known as “Home” which is most likely identified with modern-day Greenland, story is based on Medieval romance games and goals of the privileged class and the bustiers heaving chair dominance. In this new series of Paul’s stories recalling Collisians 1:16, Reynolds led the defense called riposte, starring Tommy Tuberville, Lord Jeff, Singrila Mahjong, with thrusting swordplay and Daniel Parmazoetta as “Bat” —the sidekick with a fondness for Galipiphilia. Roll playing Music by Sting accompanies the 4D fantasia set in the “Otherwylde” where they purchase a armor-all for the positioning of sponsorship logos. Mixed-gender tournaments are commonplace in the lower levels, visiting the Hades Shoppe can reward the genuflector with heaving and thrusting removable identity plates as they are was placed above the Eyrie of Grohthmuwrn, and also removable and weapon ready codpiece. Season Two, which precedes the Season One, enters the realm of Polpotophilia and the march of the dead people. Ravis Erchwon, the proprietor of the Olden Shoppe, is roasted while grilling seated Panphilia. The spadroon and the heavy swordplay incidents that are heaving
experienced a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the Animiphilia, in the land of Gotu Kola with his guide Kimba the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is more often an expression of cocksmanship, is in the Prequel enforces as aesthetic Molotov in an ideological stew. Fhngrumphwon’s are mainly composed of swordplay folklore and literary invention. Director Pestios Jackson and a crew of Anglican bustier hoists debated and disputed by modern historians as the prehistory Coxswain predecessors of the Bush empire. Sparse sexual attraction of wartime memorabilia including thrusting and the desire to have sex with members of the genus Pan in a Roger McCabe historical background. Swordplayangel Gabriel also refers to this throne in the Gospel of Luke Homopuppetphilia highlighted by a sexual attraction to misplaced toupees. The Krills eventually come forth to best Mr. Keilor and the Hat. Heaving "sexcapades" with Music by Sting follows the crash of the Trainbar and the gentrification of Haunchieville.

—to be continued.

Breakfast Cereal "R" Us

Now that the weather is warming up and the houndstooth is making its way back into the mothballs where it belongs, there is nothing I like better than breakfast cereal! Here is the ALLTIME cream of the crop:

Kellogg’s Cream of the Crop – Try to imagine cream of wheat in hardened form, dried, put into a box, and rehydrated when milk is added. They tried, they failed.

Lucky Charms – You can divide all people into three personality types: Those who eat lucky charms in a “normal” way. People who eat the “oats” first and save the marshmallows for last. People who only eat the marshmallows. Which one are you?

Froot Loops – One of the most popular breakfast cereals of all time, due to the spelling. Unfortunately it’s trademarked so you can’t use the word “Froot” for a band name or anything else. Darkberries variety is particularly popular among the Goth crowd.

Capn’ Crunch – Several entire counter-cultures are based on this cereal, not the least of which is drug related. CC is unmatched for pure pleasure of eating, though there are healthier choices. The Peanut Butter variety was a favorite of mine back in the day.

Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal – From the 1980’s, when they just didn’t know any better.

Little Debbie Vanilla Bars Cereal – Not actually a cereal at all, but a “folk cereal” invented by lovers of Little Debbie’s Vanilla Bars who would break apart the snack food into a bowl, add milk, an viola!

General Mills French Toast Crunch – Renamed “Freedom Toast Crunch” on September 16, 2011, which led to lackluster sales and its ultimate demise.

Count Chocula – Voted most popular breakfast cereal of all time. You’ve got vampires and chocolate, what’s not to like?

Frankenberry – Count Chocula’s sick second cousin. It is said if you eat it with Nestle Strawberry Quik instead of regular milk, you’ll see God. Strawberry Quick Meth, maybe.

King Vitamin – The guy on the box, the photographic human version, even scarier than the lecherous child molesting Burger King.

Crazy Cow – Cereal coated with something like Nestles Quik, so when milk was added it colored and flavored the milk. Bad idea all around.

Waffelos – Like breaking apart a waffle into a bowl and adding milk. Kinda stoopid, huh?

General Mills Green Fuzz – Is that a new breakfast cereal or is there a leak in your cupboard?

Kellogg’s Sugar Smack – Rare, early versions of the cereal before it was simultaneously pluralized and euphemized, back from the less cynical days when the valium induced zombized housewives would control the kids via breakfast cereal force feeding.

Sammy the Sailor – Little anchors, fish, schooners, nets, squid, etc., that all look like little squares. No fish content.

Kellogg’s OJ’s – Discontinued sometime between the tragic deaths and the famous low-speed chase. Cereal that was presumed guilty.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Rumors of it being the breakfast of choice of Mark David Chapman were false.

Mr. T Cereal – Another cereal hoax, it didn’t ever exist originally, but the viral internet marketing was so effective that Quaker Oats invented the cereal after the fact to cash in on its popularity!

Hardy Boy’s Secret of the Old Mill Cereal – In the original version of the book, the counterfeiters at the old mill were masquerading as inventors of a new breakfast cereal. They had the Hardys buying their story through much of the book.

General Mills Body Buddies – Believe it or else! Shaped like little tapeworms.

Kellogg’s Haunchies – Available in those individual size boxes only, which is “family size” in Haunchieville. This breakfast cereal does not actually exist.

SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal – Speaks for itself. No, it really speaks, or gives that illusion, as the large marshmallows are rehydrated and rub against each other!

Ralston Hounds Tooth – Little houndstooth designs, if you were to arrange them as so. In a bowl with milk they don’t look so nightmarish in pattern—more like little turds. In other words, like houndstooth!

Slam Dunk Contest Hi-Lites

Runner up Blake Griffon leapt over vintage Chevy Impala while its 2011 state-of-the-art car alarm was going off
Runner up Steve Blake dunked left hand while firing uzi into crowd with with right hand (blanks, or candy bullets)
Runner up Blake Austin dunked over the Black Eyed Peas while listening to something else on his iPod
Runner up Blake Hoffarber on crouching tiger hidden dragon wires while tweeting with Shaq on Droid X
Runner up Tim Blake Nelson dunked over the incredible hulk while reading The Odyssey
Runner up Blake Falk with no socks
Blake Edwards tribute to Pink Panther theme remix
Runner up Blake Shelton dunk with hat (bumped by Dodge Ram commercial)
Semi-finalist Blake Lively dunked over the Harvard and Columbia basketball teams, including trainers, conditioning coaches, mascots, cheerleaders, marching band
Winner William Blake dunked while seeing visions of a man's head crushed like melon and during live Neil Young performance of NIHL level guitar feedback

Best Country & Western Songs of 2010

(Let’s Drink to) This, That, and the Other Thing
You Gotch A’nother Think Comin’
(When I Lost My Cellphone) I Lost My Mind
“Your Honor, She SAID She Was Fourteen!”
They Asked Me Not To Return (To Nashville)
(My Car Alarm is Louder than) Your Husband
It Is What It Is (Except When It Ain’t)
(Will My Illegitimate Children Take Care of Me) When I’m Older?
(There’s No Kind of Pork) I’m Not In Love (With)
Love Ur Country (or I’ll Back Over Your Head with My Dodge Ram)
(My Cowboy Boots Smelled So Bad) They Walked to the Store All By Themselves (and Bought Themselves Some Odor-Eaters)

Best Books I Read Last Year

The Girl with Hair – Steve Kelly
Ranch Dressing – Donna Miller
Athletic Shoes – John Burns
Coffee Cup – Howard Jones
Autumn – Patricia Norman
A Very Large Drink – Tom Wall
Pencil-In – Deborah Davis
American Eggs – Charlie Walsh
Clean Floor – Chris Albert
Cars and Automobiles – Barry Cartwright
It Was What It Was – F. Winston Cox

Best Doughnuts (Baker's Dozen)

Ol’ Fashion Cake
French
Apple Frittos
Butterflies
Freedom
Prather
Poinsettia
Chaw, The
Rocky Top
Ranch
Soggy
Tufted
Numeir
Novel, The

Eleven Best Movies of 2010

The Apartment

The Fugitive Kind

Breathless

Peeping Tom

Purple Noon

Psycho

La Dolce Vita

L’Avventura

Elmer Gantry

The Bad Sleep Well

The Testament of Orpheus

Best College Football Team Names

Idaho Vandals

St. Louis Billikens

Whittier College Poets

Webster Gorlocks

UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

Evergreen State Geoducks

Southeastern Oklahoma Savage Storm

Presbyterian Blue Hose

Tufts Jumbos

Amherst College Lord Jeffs

Trinity Christian College Trolls

Bethany College Terrible Swedes

Worst College Football Team Names

LSU Tigers

Princeton Tigers

Memphis Tigers

Clemson Tigers

Texas Southern Tigers

West Alabama Tigers

Tennessee State Tigers

Missouri Tigers

Jackson State Tigers

Pacific Tigers

Auburn Tigers

Top Eleven Songs of 2010

Fountainhead – “Robot Voice ‘R’ Us”
Piker – “Letz Auto-Tune”
PX – “Love That Mechanical Voice”
Liberal Arts – “Mechanical Voice - Works – Volume I”
Rantum-Scootum – “Fully Loaded Auto-Tune”
Silent Rhubarb – “All Hail Soulless Mechanical Voice”
Sal G. – “Mechanical Voice This!”
The Hoodie String Pullers – “Experiments with the Harmony Vocoder: #1, #3, #8 & #5.3”
Ass Onions – “Up Your Auto-Tune”
Bacty – “Enuf! Mechanical Voice”
Drug Store Schlemihl – “It is Mechanical Voice Is What It Is”

Plus, hounorable mention:
Various Artists – “Music for Twiddling Knobs”

Best of 2010 Lists Go To Eleven

It's that time of year, when we look at the previous year and turn everything into lists.

Actually, a lot of people make these "Year End" lists much earlier, which I think is ludicrous. How about all the movies, books, products, etc. that come out right around Christmas? Some of the best stuff of the year comes out after the 15th of December.

So I have insisted we wait until January.

Also, since it's 2011, these lists are all going to have ELEVEN items, rather than the traditional ten.

This is only one reason you'll have to look no further than The Moss Problem for your year end LISTS!

Tostitos Championship

I thought the Fiesta Bowl was the Tostitos Bowl, but apparently this one is, too. Did you ever wonder why pretty much every tortilla chip by local and obscure companies all are pretty good, as well as similar to each other, and then you have Tostitos, which just really suck, but they probably sell more than any of the others? There’s got to be another reason besides that they spend more on advertising and store placement. Or maybe there isn’t another reason.

I admit I’m in a bad mood. It’s one thing not putting the countless bowl games on TV, but the national championship? It’s like the Superbowl or the World Series not being on TV! I have to look for updates on the internet... how depressing. I feel like Randle Patrick McMurphy when they won’t let the patients watch the World Series, in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The NCAA plus ESPN equals Nurse Ratched.

Maybe I should just try to be well-adjusted and watch what’s on. Again it’s the thin Brett Favre and countless blond women with weird jawlines. More winter sports on the sports channel. And again, some TV show with Tim Roth. I just shouldn’t let that bug me. If one day Tim Roth got hired where I work, in the mailroom, for $9 an hour, and I was training him... I really think that would disturb me. I’d say, well Tim, I’m going to show you how to do the FedEx’s now. But can I call you Mr. Orange?

I’m wondering now, could it be a conspiracy to get football fans to watch the NFL more? But how would that work? It would have to be at the NCAA’s expense. But somebody here, some slimeball, is filling their pockets. You don’t have a huge event on TV year after year, with massive ratings and all, and then suddenly NOT have it on TV, unless someone is benefiting. Well, anyway, that’s it for me. No NCAA football for at least a decade, because I hold a grudge. I could watch other sports, I guess. I could watch the NFL, but I don’t know—I just find it so boring. It’s like watching a bunch of meatheads crushing beer cans with monster trucks.

Not being able to see these two top-rated college teams in the last game of the year, it’s probably a good time to mention how I don’t buy it as a national championship game anyway. For one thing, TCU would beat either of these teams. So would Boise State. But we’re supposed to believe that one team has superiority over another because of their height and weight and how fast they run a 40 yard dash? I designed an intricate diagram for a playoff system for 16 teams, in which the top-rated 8 would start out with a bye, but then that whole system seemed too sissified, and I changed my mind about that. I think there should be 64 teams in the playoff. End the regular season a week early and go right into the playoff. You could call it December Madness, or maybe something more catchy and original.

Okay, I’ve just about had enough. Trying to write about a sporting event I can’t even watch. What am I supposed to do, rush out and buy CABLE, like a good little victim? No, I’m not going to, and I’m not going to watch NCAA football anymore, or NCAA anything, or sports, any sports, for that matter. And I quit this stupid job, too. Glad I got paid in advance. Thanks, Tony. I’ll keep the money, for my aggravation.

The Sugar Bowl

It seems pointless to sit here and describe how I sat there and scanned the TV channels once again for coverage of the Sugar Bowl, finding only more depressing reality shows about losing weight, mutant youth obsessed with dance, and overwrought dramas with guys who look like badly aging Ray Liottas waving around guns. There’s a several hour long infomercial for plastic surgery. ABC is showing science fiction porn, or maybe it’s not porn. It’s people from another planet having sex. I’m not going to sit here and act like I’m surprised, at this point—though I am—I thought Ohio State had some kind of deal with ABC or something. I can just hear Brent Musburger: “The Ohio! State! Buckeyes!” And then introducing a player... “And he’s a good one.” And then the action, “It’s a foot race!” I love Brent Musburger! But “Hold on folks!” No Brent Musburger. Though I suppose he might be on ESPN. I’ll never know.

I guess I’m beyond the “Anger” stage—which would have been when I threw the TV across the room, and the “Bargaining” stage, too—firmly planted in “Depression.” Though I am still confident that the national championship game—which is next Monday—will be on TV. So I guess you could say I’ve reverted to the “Denial” stage, after all. I could do a recap of the Sugar Bowl, but by this time, if you even care at all, you know all about the “gold pants incident,” the streaker, the banana peel incident, the back flip into the stands, the world record delay for “further review,” Kid Rock’s penis slipping out during the halftime entertainment, and Tressel punching an Arkansas player after an interception.

There’s always tonight’s game, though I’m not even going to TRY to find it on TV. It’s the GODADDY.Com Bowl. I don’t know what “Go Daddy” is, but they have a bowl game, and it’s Miami of Ohio, from Oxford, Ohio (a town I was politely asked not to return to after multiple incidents in 1978) against Middle Tennessee, which is—I don’t know—one imagines Jack Daniels drinking Hobbits. The Redhawks Vs. The Blue Raiders, and folks, don’t go away, because we have a good one here (tied at halftime).

Oh, well, if you can’t watch football on TV, there’s always youtube:

The Sunny D-Lite Orange Bowl

I don’t feel real optimistic, but this is the ORANGE BOWL! It’ll be on TV, right? I try ABC first, but there is some guy who looks like the porn version of Brett Favre wearing a suit, at what looks like an extremely ritzy funeral, but he is smiling, not sad, and women come into greet him one by one, all wearing really formal dresses that accentuate their breasts (one is wearing her breasts on the OUTSIDE of her dress). They look like porn actresses, actually, or maybe someone who would host the Orlando Citrus Parade. It’s just an endless stream of them, coming out of one of those really big limos, and each one is saying something to Brett (I turn up the sound; they’re saying things that sound like a parody of what people would say on a date). I go close up to the TV. Uhhh... they’re really shiny and weird. Each of the woman have kind of similar jaws, like they have something wrong genetically. Maybe this is a rich guy and he’s into that?

Endless commercials now, check other channels. Fox has a dreadful looking hospital show. On 4.4 there are people skiing down a really huge mountain, that’s looks petty good. On NBC, really bad actors with guns in front of 100% CGI backgrounds. CBS there’s sitcom, kind of classic, completely nondescript living room, and laugh track. Is that Charlie Sheen? Why does that not surprise me. Back to NBC, endless commercials, could be football on here. Maybe this is a show, not a commercial. No, it’s for Yoplait lite. More commercials. More. “Coming up”... more commercials. Something called: The Biggest Loser. Oh, this is the show, it seems to be a reality show about losing weight. What an idea.

Now I’m pulling in a channel called 4.2, the show is “Nonstop Foodies”—a lot of silly people talking really fast, fast camera, movement, lots of cuts, someone said “Shiitake Mushroom” like they mastered the pronunciation about a half-hour ago. More commercials. Oh, how to make an “authentic New York Cheesecake.” Which is interesting. It’s one of those things that once you see the ingredients, you’ll never eat it again.

Back to Fox, no football, just one of those overwrought dramas with some guy waving a gun around the WHOLE show, hostages, etc, the camera jerking around. Is that Tim Roth? No, it can’t be. I refuse to believe it. Maybe it’s a movie. The guy’s waving around a gun, sweating. That IS Tim Roth—not the guy with the gun. Another guy. No it can’t be, I refuse to believe it.

I turn the channel, back to the thin Brett Favre and 30 shiny women, they’re all drinking champagne Is he going to have sex with ALL of them? It’s some kind of endurance realty show! Hey, a channel called 7.2 or “The LivWell Network”—it’s Rick Bayless! I love Rick Bayless. But it’s not football. It’s definitely not the Orange Bowl.

I keep going back to that show with the guy waving the gun around. He’s still waving it around. There’s still a woman with a laptop. There’s a guy who looks like Henry Rollins. That IS Tim Roth, he’s got the gun to his head. Maybe it’s a drama AND a documentary about the making of the drama AT THE SAME TIME. But everyone looks so dire.

Rose Bowl (we wish)

This is what I’ve been waiting for, The Rose Bowl, Wisconsin vs. TCU. If you merely had a battle to the death between their mascots, The Horned Frog and The Badger, that gets my attention. This game is interesting for a lot of boring football-type reasons, but also because Madison, Wisconsin is known as the most alcohol soaked college town in the country, and TCU (which stands for Texas Christian University) is a little school of under 10,000 in Fort Worth where... well, I suppose they drink there, too. The last I heard the minimum legal drinking age in Texas was 12, or 14 if you’re driving.

The Outback Steakhouse Bowl ended on ABC, and they said, “Next up, The Granddaddy of them all, The Rose Bowl!” So I got my chair and my potato chips, ready for the big game to start, and... WTF?? Suddenly I’m watching coverage of the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. I am not kidding. I checked to see if I accidentally changed the channel. Maybe there was some network switcheroo or something, so I went through all the channels. ABC—no, it’s the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. The other channels: CBS: some kind of NFL documentary, feelgood thing, called “Sounds of the Season,” most likely how some guy overcame some adversity, like being a natural born bastard, to give up child abuse in favor of giving corny speeches at the Rotary Club. It gets worse: NBC is showing Golf: ADT Skills Challenge. Which is, I have no idea—it seems to be about retired golfers who overcame learning disabilities? Fox has slimy entertainment news from TMZ.com. Channel 4.4 is now showing the 2008 Ironman Triathlon. And back to ABC, yes, it is indeed the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. Am I going insane? There’s a man and woman who are doing that smarmy, sickening commentary, and I swear they BOTH have wide pieces of white cardboard, the kind that comes with your dry-cleaning, stuck in their mouths to look like teeth. It is truly frightening. WTF stand for What The Fuck, in case you didn’t know, and I don’t care who I offend, because this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. 

Okay, I’ve just thrown my TV across the room. I’ve calmed down a little, and I don’t think I broke it. It came off the base. I put it back together. I’ll test it later. I have to rely on the internet for updates on this football game, The 97th Annual Rose Bowl, “Brought to you by Vizio.” Not my Vizio, apparently. Okay, I guess this game is on ESPN. So you HAVE to have cable to watch it. I’m 50 years old and I’ve never had cable in my life (except for 1982, when I lived in a house that had Warner CUBE, but that’s another story). I guess this is what it’s come to. But has it really? I can’t believe this. It’s my worst nightmare. Am I the ONLY SCHMOE who’s sitting at home, thinking he was going to watch the Rose Bowl on broadcast TV, and getting thwarted? Who in the WORLD could possibly be watching these other shows on TV? You’re watching college football, and then the BIG GAME comes on and you’re supposed to say, “Oh, it’s not on. That’s okay. I’ll just watch the Citrus Parade and a little ADD golf, and maybe this cheesily narrated feelgood NFL story. Or maybe you don’t even get up and change the channel. You sit and watch whatever is ON? I’ve just watched 12 hours straight of infomercials on FOX. Hope the STATIC comes on soon. Are you telling me, on NEW YEARS DAY in the United States of America, there is ONLY ONE COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME ON BROADCAST TV?

Okay, so there’s still the chance Oklahoma and Connecticut will be on later. What joy. And now it is later, time for the Tostitos Yawn Bowl. The TV still works, that’s a positive. At least I think, until, again going through the channels: CBS has some stupid crime show, that’s supposed to look like a documentary, about how stupid and grotesque people are. NBC is showing HOCKEY! Fox has COPS, not surprisingly, and on ABC, which should be the football game, there’s a bad science fiction show with really bad acting, or maybe it’s the future, so people just normally act like bad actors, learned from generations of watching bad actors on TV.

Well, the future is now.

TicketCity, Outback, Capital One, and Gator Bowls

Happy New Year from The Moss Problem and welcome to our complete newyearsday college football bowl coverage. Six games today, and we’re at all of them, virtually. But first, there is TV coverage of the Rose Parade, in Pasadena, which I find a little stodgy (Portland, Oregon’s Rose Parade is much better because they have actual strippers on the floats). The Rose Parade unfortunately doesn’t translate to TV, because those floats could just as easily be made of plastic. You have to be able to be close enough to touch the roses, and smell them. But football translates very well on TV—in fact you could make an argument that TV was invented FOR football. The nice thing about the Rose Parade is that it’s a prelude to the most anticipated game of the day, The Rose Bowl, which this year is the most intriguing match up: Wisconsin and TCU. These other four games that happen first (and all, oddly, feature Big Ten teams) are little but featurettes for the Big One. But I’ll cover them, because I’m being paid to do so.

By some genius of scheduling, the first four games all START AT THE SAME TIME. What idiot made that decision? Well, I guess that’s why they have four TV networks and remote controls. To be fair, one is on an hour earlier than the others, so I’ll check in there. ABC AND NBC both have coverage of the Tournament of Roses Parade, Fox has infomercials, which isn’t surprising since Fox is worthless. But CBS has some show called Busytown Mysteries! Where’s the football? I guess no coverage of the TicketCity Bowl, named, I guess, because they can’t GIVE tickets away. I saw some halftime highlights and the stands looked empty. Too bad, because it’s turning out to be a pretty good came. Texas Tech is off to an early lead, but Northwestern is making a comeback.

Finally a game on TV! The Outback Bowl (short for Outback Steakhouse Bowl [Outback STIKE-House—their logo is a football shaped like a boomerang, for God’s sake!]) is a pleasant luv-fest (it’s Urban Meyer’s last game before become SUBURBAN Meyer, and Joe Paterno’s last game THIS SEASON. If you don’t totally LOVE Joe Paterno, get to therapy RIGHT NOW). Two perennial cool uniform favorites, Florida and Penn State, both wearing their best combinations: the Gators in all white with the Orange helmets, very classic, none of those hideous Nike high fashion experiments they’ve been known to pull out of some designer’s ass. The Nittany Lions with the black shirts, white pants, white helmet, black shoes (it’s sounding like that Ian Dury song), no words, no school name, no player names, no trim, except for the simple black stripe down the middle of the helmet. How glad we are were that they decided not to put the Nittany Lion on the side of the helmet (though the Nittany Lion mascot is great—he looks like a stuffed animal that escaped from a thrift store, drunk). So plain are those uniforms, the simple black numbers look garish. Maybe they should consider ROMAN NUMERALS (though everyone would want number ten). As unadorned as those uniforms are, that hideous Outback Steakhouse logo pasted on the front makes it look like they threw up their Kookaburra Wings on the front of their jerseys. My only complaint are these huge, white v-neck collars which just detract from the black shirts, and look to me, frankly, a little bit gay. They look like big ribbons, like they should be sporting giant gold medallions or something, or soap-on-a-rope. Not surprisingly, another Nike design.

I’m trying to find the Capital One Bowl, refreshing in that they don’t try to pretend that it’s not all about money. NBC has “The Capitals,” but it’s the Washington Capitals, a hockey team. HOCKEY?! There’s an “all sports” channel, 4.4 (lot more broadcast channels in the digital age!) but they’re showing the 2005 Ironman Triathlon! Yeah, I really wanted to see a repeat of THAT! Not surprisingly, considering their worthlessness, Fox is running more infomercials. But the shocking thing, CBS, who act like they INVENTED sports, are showing... INFOMERCIALS!

So, I guess the only way I have to check in on these other games is to READ about them, on the internet—how lame is that?! Final: Alabama 49, Michigan State 7. At the beginning of the season Alabama was ranked #1 and Michigan State were playing basketball, so what is surprising here is what happened to Alabama during the regular season? That’s about all I can say about this game, since I can’t actually SEE it. They might be wearing chicken suits and tutus for all I know.

The Gator Bowl—ehhh. Mississippi State ahead of Michigan 52 to 14 with six minutes left. The only thing not ugly about that is Michigan’s uniform, maybe the best in college football. Unless maybe they all went out to the Nike Store before the game and bought something hideous. They sure didn’t seem to pick up a DEFENSE during the month of December, that’s for sure.

That’s all for now! Next up: The Rose Bowl!