Sun Bowl

I was just thinking about how I was going to make ends meet in 2011 and this sweet gig fell right in my lap. It’s kind of a dream job for me, writing about football, because those who know me know my two major passions are the gridiron and long green. In these harsh economic times the sad truth is that a man needs a second job, and sometimes a third. I know that I’m lucky, in these harsh economic times, to have even one job, but as many of you know, wages have not kept pace with the cost of living. In fact, many of you have more than likely grown tired of my repeated requests for loans, payday advances, and other forms of the long green, and will happily receive this news of what will hopefully be fruitful and illuminating reportage and supplement to my income.

In anticipation of the heart of bowl season, I went out and bought a post-Christmas on sale TV, a high definition Vizio model that seems to work quite well (and if you didn’t know, TV’s are much lighter in weight these days). I also bought a mid-priced Radio Shack powered antenna, and I’m happy to report I can receive about twenty channels, some of them in amazing digital high def quality, only dreamt about by the fathers of our country. The early bowl games have all been on ESPN, and most of them have held little interest for our community except for the Boise State game, a travesty which I might pontificate on later after this season plays out.

The first broadcast game then, today, New Year’s Eve, and why should I be surprised that it is none other than my televised nemesis, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Many of you have more than likely grown tired of hearing me complain about how they hold the airwaves hostage, or at least one of the networks. I guess the idea being that we’re ALL supposed to Notre Dame fans or something, which makes no sense to me. An interesting thing I found out today, however, is how they didn’t play in bowl games for a very long period of time, I guess finding them unseemly (though, I suppose since 1970, the money has kept pace with the unseemliness).

The Sun Bowl, in El Paso, Texas, was graced with heavy snowfall that had to be cleared from the field before the game could be played. The Irish’s opponents, the Miami Hurricanes were mortified by the 30 degree temperatures and played like it. Notre Dame’s backup quarterback played well, in spite of his young age. I think he was 13, but maybe that was his number. He did not look old enough to drink in Indiana, though in Florida, who knows. The game held little interest for me aside from the excellent uniforms. Miami always look good in orange and green, and probably the most stylish helmet logo in college football. Oh, and one thing I keep wondering about the Irish helmets, which you probably know are painted before each game with actual gold flake paint, is why, as steeped in tradition as they like to boast, do they choose to wear the hi-tech helmet style that resembles the aerodynamic bicycle helmet? I’m not saying they should go back to not having a facemask, but a simple rounded helmet would be much more appropriate.

College Football Bowl Coverage

Look no further than The Moss Problem for complete college football Bowl coverage. This bowl season Randy Russell will be reporting on all the big games, and even some of the smaller ones, though as you know, sometimes they’re going on at the same time, and some of the lesser ones might not be televised. We look forward to the day when there is a “Moss Problem Bowl” but that might be a few years off yet.

All of the Moss Problem correspondents are welcome to report on their favorite games, even those who despise football! Though due to “The Economy” we are only able to pay Mr. Russell, and believe me, he’s not going to be socking away a lot for retirement.

Anyway, this has been an exciting year with a lot of controversy, and we hope it continues—well, the excitement more than the controversy. And make sure you vote in Big Ten renaming divisions POLL, on the sidebar here. Thousands have already let their voice be heard, though we haven’t recorded the tallies yet, as their has been a bit of a snafu with the IT department.

I want to wish everyone a happy and healthy and prosperous, etc., New Year.

Best, Tony

New Names for Big Ten Divisions R Us!

You have no doubt heard by now that the proposed names for the Big Ten’s two new six team divisions, “Legends” and “Leaders” has been met with overwhelming and universal loathing, to say the least. Not so much because it makes little sense which teams would be designated as each, or because of the fear that Legends wouldn’t be seen as Leaders and Leaders wouldn’t be considered Legends, but because those names are about as subtle as a drunk and clunky as a bad excuse. Or maybe you like them. Read no further, and crack open another peach schnapps wine cooler.

Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany, in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding, has announced that his office will reconsider the names (in what must be seen as an effort to hold onto incensed, vomiting fan revenue in these harsh economic times) (and amidst the increasing popularity of soccer). In an unprecedented move, the powers that be have admitted their lameness and opened the floodgates to tens of thousands of beer-fueled, sports-bar composed emails and text message suggestions for alternative names for the divisions in question. Unsurprisingly, most are worse than the original sorry attempt. However, a few quality outfits like The Moss Problem have agreed to set up polls featuring some of the better suggestions kicking around the airwaves. The Big Ten promises to take notice and “let the people speak.” It’s a lot cheaper than hiring Wieden+Kennedy.

Here is a sampling of the top 16 candidates, which incidentally is the number of teams that will be in the Big Ten by the end of the next decade. Please note: in a brilliant twist on the rivalry concept, some division names are comprised of a “positive” name (Wheat Division) and a “negative” name (Chaff Division)—the idea being that the winner each year will “capture” the positive name for its division for the following year—sticking the losing team’s division with the embarrassing one.

Kings
Emperors

Dorks
Nerds

Dictators
Strongmen

Crips
Bloods

Red States
Blue States

Corn Division
Soybean Division

Pork Division
Beef Division

Bo’s Bastards
Woody’s Wackos

Wheat Division
Chaff Division

Walter Camp Division
Walter Mitty Division

Jim Thorpe Division
Duane Thorpe Division

Joy Division
Pansy Division

Ghoulardi Football Division
Ruggle’s Beat Division

Nike Division
Adidas Division

Freedom Division
Economy Division

Great Plains Division
Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments Division

An Open Letter and Apology from the Editor

Over the last dozen or so years, The Moss Problem has been a leader in reporting on cutting edge entertainment, sports, and political news, as you all know. In recent months it has come to light that the fine reporters and writers for The Moss Problem have been paid far lower than industry standards for similar work, and in some cases have been paid late, and with "latex checks." While it is my position that many of these allegations have been exaggerated, I do admit, as editor for this journal, a responsibility for cutting corners and trimming fat where editorial content is concerned.

From this day forth, as a remedy for these conditions, and in order to maintain stringent artistic standards in these harsh economic times, it will be henceforth the policy of The Moss Problem to award writers and artists by means of full editorial credit only, in lieu of monetary compensation. It is our belief that by eliminating the stigma of payment for writing and artwork, the credibility and journalistic integrity of this journal's contributors will be increased, which will benefit everyone involved, including the reader, who will rest assured that no thought of anything but passion for the subject matter was a contributing factor in creation of the work. In this way, the reader will be assured of the highest journalistic integrity, we believe, available in both print medium and over the World Wide Web.

In a similar vein, I would like to, at this time, confess that for the last quarter of a century, or perhaps longer, I was under the impression that the proper and preferred method of disposal for paper towels in public restrooms was to deposit them in commodes. So deluded was I, that each time I would see an official or hand-written plea to please, do NOT dispose of paper towels in toilets, I read it--apparently due to both my believing I knew what was preferred, and my dyslexia--as a plea to do exactly the opposite of what they were requesting. So, yes, it has been I, Anthony Franciosa, who has been depositing paper towels in toilets from New York to London, from Paris to Milan, from Buenos Aires to Beijing, and in all points in between. And especially at Starbucks locations in the greater Los Angeles area. For this I sincerely apologize.