World Cup 2010 Comprehensive Update

"Enough with the bloody BEE-HORNS!!"

Live Coverage: Cote d'Ivoire vs. Brazil!

Cote d'Ivoire wearing green and Brazil in Yellow. 0 - 0 tie for a long time. I'm looking in the refrigerator and Brazil scores! Halftime. No one has EVER come back to beat Brazil when they're leading at halftime, in the history of the WORLD.

That funny sound isn't because of cheap microphones, as once suggested, but because every single person in the stadium is blowing on a plastic horn called a vuvuzela. If you close your eyes, I guess, you could imagine it's New Years. At least it's not bagpipes! Some people absolutely freak out because of the vuvuzelas. They say because it sounds like a swarm of killer bees. There are two types of people, I've found. Those who enjoy the vuvuzela and those who despise it. Which are you? Maybe American sports fans, particularly football, should adopt the vuvuzelas at their contests! One positive it would have is that while you've got that thing in your mouth you're not downing quarts of beer and hotdogs. So there is an upside, healthwise. Though it's probably not good for the hearing. Plus, I'd bet Americans would make a battery-powered version of the vuvuzela so that they could continue to drink beer and eat hotdogs. And those might be even louder. I'm sorry I mentioned it!

Now it's the second half. Brazil scores again! And again! Finally Ivory Coast scores. Now it's a game! But then fights break out. An old-fashioned Donnybrook. Kaka gets a red card! "Caca" yell the Brazilian players at the officials. Where's the instant replay? Answer: Soccer hasn't yet been RUINED by instant replay, like American sports. Though guys laying all over the field like it's a Civil War reenactment isn't a very pretty sight, either. Is it THAT rough out there? Then get some pads. Or are they just flopping like a bunch of trout? If that's that case, then there really is no hope. Look, I can't even get up to get a beer until halftime and I already missed four goals, so while I'm sitting here, I expect to see action, not a bunch of guys writhing in pain. And if it's fake, well, that's the other thing that's ruined American sports: bad acting, or good acting... in a word: acting. Save it for the dinner theatre, guys.

Your World Cup Headquarters

"The Moss Problem" is YOUR World Cup Headquarters!

Check back every five minutes for complete up-to-date 2010 World Cup news, scores, predictions, and analysis. Our complete staff of soccer enthusiasts will tell you who is going win and why, and then examine the results in meticulous depth.

Tired of watching your lo-def TV coverage? Do you wonder why it sounds like you're listening to it through a metal vacuum cleaner extension? We at "The Moss Problem" LOVE that sound. We've found that you can listen to reruns of "Win, Lose, or Draw" down a metal vacuum cleaner extension and it has the same energy and excitement of World Cup soccer!

Check back for recaps and analysis, interesting anecdotes, and insider human interest stories about recent match-ups.

Today's conservative prediction (though please don't hold us accountable when gambling):

USA - 34
England - 28

Zombies In The Park!

ZOMBIES IN THE PARK (2010)

Director: James Cameron

Writers: Douglas Coupland, Diablo Cody, Shane Black

Cast:
Chazz Palmintari — Eddie
Jamie Foxx — The Professor
Keira Knightley — Peaches
Lindsay Lohan — Mrs. Pemberton
Robert Downey Jr. — Mr. Pemberton
Sarah Wayne Callies — Laurie
Christopher Walken — Dr. Love
Will Geer — Pritchard
Mickey Rooney — Mr. Yunioshi
Terry-Thomas — Bobby

Tagline:
Save our parks!

Plot:
A seemingly peaceful city park is transformed into a cauldron of horror when behind every tree and bush comes jumping out suddenly and without warning a bloodthirsty zombie or two.