Broadcast Sports and I Won't Last A Day Without You

Little by little, free broadcast sports coverage is being taken away from the poorest segments of the Untied States population, and it looks like by the time we get through these dreadful single digit years, if you don't pay for cable TV sports specific networks, you will be shitouttaluck. I don't even care to look into digital broadcasting implications, as obvious as it is that all technological advancements are mostly about wringing even more money out of the masses of barely-able-to-afford-anything-anymore, especially food. But let's just say you decide to get by without food and want to be a sports fan. If you live in a city you can still go to a baseball game (as long as you're not in Boston), though don't pick that day to resume your diet, because a hotdog is $15 and a bottle of water is $5. You could save all year and maybe afford an NFL game, but pro basketball has long been affordable only to corporations. If you happen to have a TV, and actually LIKE Notre Dame, you can watch college football. By early next decade, however, the bowl games will be on cable only, and the Final Four are sure to follow that trend. If you have no TV, like me, you won't have to deal with all that digital conversion bullshit, but say you want to find some sports on the AM radio, like in the old days? Forget it!—though you may be lucky and find some so-called Christian bullshit that is so far out even Christians can't stomach it. Most of radio is now, however—as is most of broadcast TV—infomercials—and if you happen to be INSANE and enjoy infomercials, you must now endure commercials during your infomercials. There was a brief window where the Internet seemed like nirvana for sports fans, and indeed these days it's the only place I can find anything at all, but the golden age is over, and soon the Internet will be so gummed up with information gathering robots and animated commercials that it won't work at all. It's more or less there already. You can still get a newspaper, of course, if you have the patience to page through advertisements for the Internet to finally find a poorly written, uninspired article. I was thinking—what IS the opiate of the masses anymore? Is there still $1.50 a six pack beer?—because you sure can't afford cigarettes, taxed as they are in order to pay for the sports arenas that only the rich can afford to visit. What if they decide to tax lottery tickets, someone asked me, and they go up in price like cigarettes? Lottery tickets are ALREADY tax, I reassured them, the rich finding yet another way to tax the poor. I'm sitting here on a grimy Saturday wondering exactly how much it will take before The Revolution, or will there be no Revolution? If there is none, does it mean that the powerful have so totally learned how to control the not-powerful, that they have completely enslaved the—with little, malfunctioning electrical devices, to play with, and direct their anger towards—and the terror of the disappearance of all civil rights? Or are the powerless sitting back and waiting, doing the only subversive thing left that costs nearly nothing, reading books? My pessimism answered that question as you might imagine, and I found it necessary to take refuge in the only drug I have left to me, the Carpenters. Or more specifically, the song "I Won't Last A Day Without You." That song is so far beyond "one day at a time"-- it is pretty much a surrender of existence-- the only thing left is a glimmer of something once idealized as love. I mean, it's probably not even about another person-- it sounds like it could be an ode to a magical antidepressant drug, or maybe a commercial for a cheap, canned cocktail. I could dedicate my life to this song; maybe I have. It is the most compelling pop song ever written, and has the perfect verse and chorus combination, like a punch to the gut followed by punch to the face. But then, most weirdly is that horrible bridge, unimaginable, bad, and out of place--you know, "touch me and I end up singing"-- it's so wrong that it always makes me think about "improper" touching, if you know what I'm saying. I guess you could say it's like the thorn on a rose, but still, a thorn is one thing-- you don't see a human turd on a rose. And then there's that line, "When there's no getting over that rainbow," which I know is meant to mean when it's impossible to reach that world “somewhere over the rainbow,” but to me has always had a different meaning. To me, "no getting over that rainbow" means not getting over, as in not dealing with, not coming to terms with. It's like they're singing, “when you can't really find a way to deal with that rainbow, when you can't come to terms with it.” That's what makes this song, to me, magical, and it's exactly the best example I can come up with of how there might be a glimmer of hope in this fucked up, fucked up, fucked up beyond belief, world.

Something I Thought I'd Never See

Here I was in New York City, walking around, and then I see this sign on a corner store that shocked me. It was an advertisement for Marlboro, and it said: "Special Price - $9.00!" Special price? $9.00?!? Okay, so I've been living under a rock. But still... it's shocking.

Has the psychology of the cigarette smoker changed considerably now that his product has doubled, tripled, quadrupled... what do call it when something has elevated TEN times? Is is still possible to "bum" a cigarette? Is anyone at all, under these dire economic conditions, going to START smoking?

I don't love cigarettes, or smoking, or tobacco companies, or even the idea of smoking. I haven't for a long time. But this reminds me of that scene in Soylent Green where the guy has a jar of strawberry preserves and explains that cost $50!

New Postage Stamp: Stumblebums

(no image available) I am excited about the new postage stamps: famous stumblebums in US history. I understand that the series will include five different, famous stumblebums dating from the late 19th century to the present day. The images will be nostalgic, slightly comic renditions depicted by a notable contemporary artist, not yet announced. There are rumors that they are being drawn by Daniel Clowes, but that is not confirmed. If anyone has information about the artist, or those being "honored" by the stamps, please comment here!

Jonathan Lethem's website

I was looking at the main page of Jonathan Lethem's website,
which reloads every 20 seconds with a new, entertaining image,
when some music came on. It sounded kind of like David Bowie, though I don't think it was.
It was a modern sounding pop song, which I didn't like very much, but it really seemed to work with the images, even though nothing matched up or anything.

I happened to have another tab open to a sports website, and little did I know an ad came up and that was actually where the music was coming from! Not from Jonathan Lethem's website at all. (I don't know why that happens-- how you can have stuff opened in multiple tabs and the music for all of them will play at the same time.) Anyway, Lethem might consider adding some music to the experience. In case you want to try to recreate this phenomenon in your own home, the ad was for the Outback Steakhouse.

Yahoo: From "free email" to EMAIL FREE

Yahoo was my very first email, and I'm still using the first email address I've ever had. But recently they changed to "new" Yahoo, which is, of course, supposed to be better, but, of course, it isn't. This is no surprise, of course, and I realize that they have done this so that they can support ads better. After all it doesn't cost anything. But there is an option to get a pay version which doesn't have the ads. Not merely annoying, the ads slow things down and cause it to crash...

What am I saying here? Am I on drugs? I'm trying to rationalize all this calmly, I sound like some kind of demented, brainwashed Yahoo salesman or something. What it comes down to is that we had a completely reasonable, working, free email, and they made some corporate and technical decision to SCREW US ALL. It no longer works. It's no good. On a scale of one to ten it gets MINUS ONE MILLION. It's a headache and a nightmare. Yahoo is now the worst piece of shit on planet Feces.

But there is a silver lining! As there always is. This entire fiasco has made me see how much I am dependent on my email. When I quit smoking back in the spring of 2008 I thought I was free of drugs and the iron grip of addiction. But no. I was still addicted to this email and didn't know it. But this incredibly lame development has made see how bad off I was, and now I am ready to begin my new life: email free.

Grape Soda

In times such as these, nothing satisfies me like a grape soda. I was thinking of proposing the Nobel Prize to the chemistry team who invented artificial grape flavor, back in the Twentieth Century. You cannot scoff at a good artificial flavor. Take, for instance, artificial vanilla... please! I cannot deal with it, eat it, or even smell it in a candle or car air freshener. It gives me a migraine! The difference between real vanilla and artificial vanilla is like the difference between diners and McDonalds, between fresh vegetables and bunched up wet toilet paper in a public toilet, between Venice and cheap piece of shit Venetian blinds that fall down whenever you open or close them.

I was going to suggest that the flavor of grape soda somehow captures the essence of real grape, but it is of course nothing like real grape. What it is, artificial grape flavor, and grape soda, is an amazing flavor all of its own, sublime in its own way. Also, it always reminds me of the scene in "The French Connection" where Gene Hackman is trying to follow the guy in the subway and tries to be inconspicuous by stopping at a vendor, where he says, "Get a grape drink?"

Solar Moss

Northern Toilet Paper

My favorite toilet paper doesn't have perforations. No, my favorite toilet paper is free toilet paper. But I don't need the perforations. Northern toilet paper, which is quite pricey due to its softness, has perforations running lengthwise, down the roll! I mean, like, from beginning to end. Why is this? Because when you try to tear off a piece to use it, it tears lengthwise, which is maddening.

I remember a thing in Mad Magazine when I was kid, a cartoon about "planned obsolescence" which was the first time I'd ever heard of that concept. It's funny-- at the time I thought it something more in the mind of the consumer. It always seems like that malfunction must be built in. I didn't realize or actually want to believe, at that young age, that that is the way things work. Well, I guess they used to hide it. Now they just put obvious perforations right through the roll, for no apparent reason, figuring that people are too cynical, distracted, braindead, and depressed to really care. They're probably right.

Pandora

I am listening to, as I write this, Pandora radio, which someone, as we used to say in the Sixties, "turned me on to." First of all I have to say I am someone who vastly prefers the vinyl record to any other kind of music listening experience, and it kind of amazes me that after 40 years of technological advancement, I'm sitting here listening to music on a device (emac) that looks and sounds much the same as this filmstrip thing I had when I was a kid, which played a story via film strip (I think it was called "Show and Tell" but I'm not sure) with audio provided by a record, and thus functioned as my first audio system. Pandora radio is a website in which you can enter a song or recording artist name, and then it will attempt to play similar music, creating, in effect, your own personal radio station.

It's an interesting project, and fun just to see how well it works, musical tastes being as extremely subjective as they are. I'm a little worried about the name Pandora, as well-- there is something ominous in that-- because of the well-known myth, the implications of Pandora's Box, etc. By the way, when I searched for Pandora's Box I discovered that there is an S&M/Fetish club by that name right in my neighborhood! I did not know that-- open for lunch, too! “I'll have a bagel and cream cheese and my balls stomped on with stiletto heels.” They do have some great looking rooms-- it could supply all the sets for the next Frankie Latina movie. The "Rubber Room" isn't open yet, but when it is, I'm there!

Sorry about that digression. I suppose the INTERNET could be renamed Pandora's Box, so I am just not going to worry about it. In my "test drive" this morning, I selected the song "Pandora's Box"-- the Aerosmith version-- (you know in THEIR version, they weren't referring to a cedar chest) to see what I get-- and it is a pretty interesting selection of songs. You always dream of going to a bar and they're playing a song you like, and then another, and then another! It NEVER happens-- though actually I knew some DJs in my former place of residence who could do that. What is nice is if there is music you are familiar with and then something you like but never heard before. I have to admit, that it is working pretty well today! There is a huge variety, and I'm not hating any of it. Also, they happened on a couple of really old things I have completely forgot abut, like a song from John Sebastian's "The Four Of Us"-- crazy.

My concern is that since there is a "guide us" function where you can indicate a thumbs up or down function for each particular song, if that affects not only one's particular ongoing personal choices, but the overall selection, that the mass influence (by the inevitable population of music geeks and obsessives sitting there approving and disapproving all day) will eventually lead from eclecticness to an unpleasant homogenization. Also, there is the "payola" potential, as with all radio stations in history. Also, there seems to be a pretty heavy preference to Rod Stewart. I mean, The Faces, too, and I love Rod Stewart, but you could hear Rod Stewart yelling after hitting his finger with a hammer, and it would STILL sound like Rod Stewart.

But overall, I'm pretty fascinated with this. I want to see how obscure they get-- what's the most obscure song or artist I can think of that will be my radio station. I guess my overall observation, at this point anyway, is that Pandora is "nifty."

Sports News

Contrary to as previously implied, Randy Moss, football player, has no affiliation with this online journal. Our lawyers made us say that. That's not true, we don't have any lawyers. If we did, though, I'd be hitting them up for a job making copies or something.

Best Restaurants 2007

The best Mexican restaurant in Milwaukee whose name I can't remember someone please help me out and I'll edit this I can't even search for it because all you get is those bullshit melted orange cheese and Koolade margarita places!

Fili's Family Restaurant - Cudahy, WI - best breakfast buffet EVER.

Ikea Cafe - multiple locations, for when nothing but lingonberries will satisfy you.

Paul's Omega, S. 27th, Milwaukee - best low impact art experience south of Alpine Village.

Alpine Village, Mequon, WI - best art experience anywhere if you include the schaum torte.

Chet Morton's Steakhouse, Bayport - it's no "mystery" why this is on the list.

Plaza Cafe, Milwaukee - just because if it wasn't there, there would be nowhere to eat breakfast in the entire 53202 zipcode.

No Room 4 Dessert, no locations - who needs dessert anyway.

Bayview Family Restaurant, Milwaukee - cheapest and best homefries (with onions) in the "american fries" region.

Roundy's Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, everywhere - the expected dip in quality did not happen, though the possible merger with WA Mutual Bank has us worried.

Beans and Barley, Milwaukee - first place in my experience that's been able to make sandwiches with gluten-free bread. Also, Frank S.

Plop, New Haven - who would have thought that formless comfort food could come in so many shades of brown?

Bombay Sweets, Milwaukee - the only place in Milwaukee to get Indian food under $100.

The Train Bar, Milwaukee - because I love a good myth (I still don't believe it ever existed) and have heard of no Haunchyville eatery as of yet.

Pretend, New York City - saw Chan Marshall there last week!

Conejito's, Milwaukee - eat there now before it gets moved to the Smithsonian!

Les is More, Brooklyn - just goes to show how wrong you can be. (That's a Lou Reed quote, and Les is More is closed.)

Reben Luncheonette, Brooklyn - my new hangout.

Best Books of 2007

Fischer's War by Lei Marx
Interrogatives by Lance White Thurman
Deadly Meditation by Michael Pope
The Plural Principle by R.E.I. Kranz
Purring by Wang Newton
The Book of Andy by Andrew Brisket
Paranormal Jesus by Brian Banov
Burned Out by B. Sophie Dance
Conversion Therapy by Michelle Chiggar-Valdez
To Enter The Building by P. Clumm
Hill & Wing by Eustice Richardson
A Tisket A Tasket A Murder by Elaine Plover Churchill
Along The Road by T.M. Copp
Rhymes With Baghdad by Christopher Lorenzo


--Allison Pripet

Best Music of 2007

"K —12" album, vinyl only, by April 15
"That Makes Me Puke, This Makes Me Pee" song by Vanessa Di Ambrose
"You Can Learn English!" MP3 by Feji
"Allergic to Houndstooth" CD by Trisdam White, Jr.
"Whet Dreamz" box set by MegaMillionz
"Fiasco Fiasco" CD by The Molotov Martinis
"Every Time I Make You Cry" song by the Hoodie String Pullers
"Wet Fartz Theme" download by the Wet Fartz
"My Head Almost Came Off" video by Portable Sound Laboratories
"Hedging (Dance Mix)" extended 12" vinyl 45 by DjHi
"Dotting My T's" CD by Cross-eyed Charles


S. Katona

Best Television of 2007

Note: I find nothing so addictive and depressing as sitting with a TV remote and hundreds of stations on cable and going through them one by one. It makes me terribly afraid of the end of civilization and also long for it.

I decided, finally, what I needed to do is go on a marathon TV binge, see what is out there, and then never watch TV again. Here is a list, in no particular order, of the best, the worst, and since I don't have to decide, I won't.

Scratching Post
City Desk
American Meltdown
Pack Rats!
your dumber then a stump
A Roll In My Wool
Agony of Defeat
19 Century Viceroys
Uma Makeovers
Hangin' Judge
Eat Bugs 4 Buck$
Youtube Theatre
Fuzz Busterz
Nancy Drew (hearts) Scooby-Doo
Marlin Perkins Smackdown
American Mess
Crotch Busters (Caught On Video)
From The Jaws of Victory
Tale of Two Dorms
This Old Box
Angela Lansbury Always
Judge Reinhold
Lottery Follies
Fashion No-No's
Crack Neighbors
Busted Again! (On Tape)
Anal Nightingale
Married 4-Ever


--Randy Russell

Top Movies of 2007

Top Ten and then some. In order of good to awesome.

Michael Picasso
Royal Person Inside
Pretty Girl Costumes
Make
Quotitdian Now!
Revising Emily
True Red
The Emulsifiers
Gravelly Witherspoon
Irish Recovery
Twisting Alabama
American Hottie
The Desk and the Microscope
The Last Great Mid-October
Reuniting Charlie Goodspeed
1000 Dull Moments

Year End Best Of Lists

We would like to include some year end "best of" lists for 2007. I realize that most publications release those lists sometime in December, and the reason for that is no secret: it's all about selling products at Christmastime. If you, as an artist, happen to come out with something between, say, December 15 and the end of the year, however, you're kind of screwed in the "best of" department. Also, a lot of "best of" lists, naturally, are weighed toward the end of the year. It's not really fair to make those lists, say, on the same day you have just seen a new movie or heard a new record-- of course that's going to be more prominent in your mind. And as far as books go, obviously, one needs a few days to read it.

That's why I argue that January is the month for "best of" lists for the previous year. Some of our writers will (hopefully) be presenting such lists in the coming weeks. Hopefully our readers will weigh in as well.

Oh, and a fifteen day late HAPPY NEW YEAR from Kate, Randy, myself, and everyone else here at THE MOSS PROBLEM.

AF

MEMO: note to writers

Please note: it is not necessary to write the TYPE of review as part of the TITLE (i.e. "MUSIC REVIEW: Beck Further Plagues Us With His Damn Self"). We trust our readers to figure out what it is that's being reviewed. And in the instances that they can't, that's kind of interesting in itself.

I realize that it might be more appropriate to discuss this with an interoffice memo. But we have no secrets here at The Moss Problem. In fact, it might be as good a time as any to discuss pay cuts with writers. The $1 per word fee is going to have to be cut drastically (really drastically, I'm afraid) (don't make me spell it out) until if figure out what the hell is happening with this divorce settlement. For now, anyway, write what about what you love (or hate) for love, and you will be rewarded with love, and the world will be filled with love (except for the world of Tony's Marriage).

love,

Anthony Franciosa, Editor

Sports: NFL Playoffs

I could talk about how disillusioned I was when the Boston Patriots became the New England Patriots when I was 11. It's been on again off again with sports and me ever since. I've been paying a little attention, however, to the Patriots this year, mostly because one of our esteemed founders, Randy Moss, is playing. If you don't know, the "Pats" haven't lost a game all year. That rarely happens. If you hate the Pats, as it is easy to do, you now can hope for one thing: they make it to the Superbowl, then lose the final game! I'm trying to think of a tragic equivalent for that, in sports or otherwise, but I can't!

Aside from all this, the one interesting thing I noticed in the one game I watched is that New England quarterback Tom Brady seemed to have been amplified. I've always said that the next frontier in televised sports is sound-- good onfield mics would change the way we view the game. The only reason they don't do it yet is because the profanity and its relationship to image. In one game, however, I seemed to notice this intensified sound. It was really nice-- it added a sense of urgency and excitement that's missing more and more as televised sports increasingly resemble video games.

The amazing thing I noticed in that game was that Tom Brady seemed to be yelling out his counts (and whatever else it is that quarterbacks seem to yell) in GERMAN! Is he German and I just always assumed he wasn't? How does the team understand him? Anyway, it sounds pretty aggressive and scary, and I think it must scare the shit out of opponents.