The Outback Steakhouse Bowl ended on ABC, and they said, “Next up, The Granddaddy of them all, The Rose Bowl!” So I got my chair and my potato chips, ready for the big game to start, and... WTF?? Suddenly I’m watching coverage of the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. I am not kidding. I checked to see if I accidentally changed the channel. Maybe there was some network switcheroo or something, so I went through all the channels. ABC—no, it’s the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. The other channels: CBS: some kind of NFL documentary, feelgood thing, called “Sounds of the Season,” most likely how some guy overcame some adversity, like being a natural born bastard, to give up child abuse in favor of giving corny speeches at the Rotary Club. It gets worse: NBC is showing Golf: ADT Skills Challenge. Which is, I have no idea—it seems to be about retired golfers who overcame learning disabilities? Fox has slimy entertainment news from TMZ.com. Channel 4.4 is now showing the 2008 Ironman Triathlon. And back to ABC, yes, it is indeed the ORLANDO CITRUS PARADE. Am I going insane? There’s a man and woman who are doing that smarmy, sickening commentary, and I swear they BOTH have wide pieces of white cardboard, the kind that comes with your dry-cleaning, stuck in their mouths to look like teeth. It is truly frightening. WTF stand for What The Fuck, in case you didn’t know, and I don’t care who I offend, because this is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
Okay, I’ve just thrown my TV across the room. I’ve calmed down a little, and I don’t think I broke it. It came off the base. I put it back together. I’ll test it later. I have to rely on the internet for updates on this football game, The 97th Annual Rose Bowl, “Brought to you by Vizio.” Not my Vizio, apparently. Okay, I guess this game is on ESPN. So you HAVE to have cable to watch it. I’m 50 years old and I’ve never had cable in my life (except for 1982, when I lived in a house that had Warner CUBE, but that’s another story). I guess this is what it’s come to. But has it really? I can’t believe this. It’s my worst nightmare. Am I the ONLY SCHMOE who’s sitting at home, thinking he was going to watch the Rose Bowl on broadcast TV, and getting thwarted? Who in the WORLD could possibly be watching these other shows on TV? You’re watching college football, and then the BIG GAME comes on and you’re supposed to say, “Oh, it’s not on. That’s okay. I’ll just watch the Citrus Parade and a little ADD golf, and maybe this cheesily narrated feelgood NFL story. Or maybe you don’t even get up and change the channel. You sit and watch whatever is ON? I’ve just watched 12 hours straight of infomercials on FOX. Hope the STATIC comes on soon. Are you telling me, on NEW YEARS DAY in the United States of America, there is ONLY ONE COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME ON BROADCAST TV?
Okay, so there’s still the chance Oklahoma and Connecticut will be on later. What joy. And now it is later, time for the Tostitos Yawn Bowl. The TV still works, that’s a positive. At least I think, until, again going through the channels: CBS has some stupid crime show, that’s supposed to look like a documentary, about how stupid and grotesque people are. NBC is showing HOCKEY! Fox has COPS, not surprisingly, and on ABC, which should be the football game, there’s a bad science fiction show with really bad acting, or maybe it’s the future, so people just normally act like bad actors, learned from generations of watching bad actors on TV.
Well, the future is now.