Monday, December 1, 2014

The Born Loosers

Proposal for Reality Program

Title: Born Loosers

It's a simple premise. Contributors to sporting news message boards from across the Internet will be selected to appear on a half-hour sports talk show in which they will be encouraged to discuss current sporting news topics.

Participants will be encouraged to use foul language, threats, and actual physical violence against each other. Possible sports figure guest stars. Possible games and contests pertaining to show themes.

Venue: Ideally the program would air on a cable network in order to be able to exhibit adult language, situations, and disturbing behavior.

Estimated budget: $100, 000 per episode.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

SEPTEMBER 1, 1939 by W.H. Auden

I sit in one of the dives
On Fifty-Second Street
Uncertain and afraid
As the clever hopes expire
Of a low dishonest decade;
Waves of anger and fear
Circulate over the bright
And darkened lands of the earth,
Obsessing our private lives;
The unmentionable odour of death
Offends the September night.

Accurate scholarship can
Unearth the whole offence
From Luther until now
That has driven a culture mad,
Find what occurred at Linz,
Find what huge imago made
A psychopathic god:
I and the public know
What all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return.

Exiled Thucydides knew
All that a speech can say
About Democracy,
And what dictators do,
The elderly rubbish they talk
To an apathetic grave;
Analysed all in his book,
The enlightenment driven away,
The habit-forming pain,
Mismanagement and grief:
We must suffer them all again.

Into this neutral air
Where blind skyscrapers use
Their full height to proclaim
The strength of Collective Man,
Each language pours its vain
Competitive excuse:
But who can live for long
In an euphoric dream;
Out of the mirror they stare,
Imperialism's face
And the international wrong.

Faces along the bar
Cling to their average day:
The lights must never go out,
The music must always play,
All the conventions conspire
To make this fort assume
The furniture of home;
Lest we should see where we are,
Lost in a haunted wood,
Children afraid of the night
Who have never been happy or good.

The windiest militant trash
Important Persons shout
Is not so crude as our wish:
What mad Nijinsky wrote
About Diaghilev
Is true of the normal heart;
For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.

From the conservative dark
Into the ethical life
The dense commuters come,
Repeating their morning vow;
be true to the wife,
I'll concentrate more on my work,"
And helpless governors wake
To resume their compulsory game:
Who can release them now,
Who can reach the deaf,
Who can speak for the dumb?

Defenceless under the night
Our world in stupor lies;
Yet, dotted everywhere,
Ironic points of light
Flash out wherever the Just
Exchange their messages:
May I, composed like them
Of Eros and of dust,
Beleaguered by the same
Negation and despair.

Thursday, November 6, 2014


December 29, 2011 3:44 pm
Have you read John Hersey yet?

No! Sorry...hopefully I'll get to it!
Start w/THE WALL
March 30, 2012 10:54 pm
THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES is a slog to read.
March 31, 2012 8:39 am

Wait...he wrote the Algiers Motel incident, right? I was just looking through that, actually....
Ray Bradbury?
Fahrenheit 451
TV version of THE MARTIAN CHRONICLES starring Rock Hudson 1970s
Noah, do you like short stories?
March 31, 2012 8:18 pm

Depends on the short story! I don't have anything against the form per se.
April 1, 2012 10:11 am
April 1, 2012 12:04 pm
Fukk "There Will Come Soft Rains"
December 15, 2012 9:17 am
I luv Hemingway.
December 16, 2012 11:54 am
Keats? Byron? Percy or Mary?
Wordsworth or Coleridge?

Keats is awesome; Byron is often very funny. Frankenstein is uneven, but has wonderful moments. A lot of P. Shelley is wonderful. Wordsworth can be great, but is often kind of dull. Coleridge is the man.
The Plagiarist and last to die!
No Wordsworth died last?
Keats 25, Shelley 29
Have you read The Last Man in Europe unsure of title By Mary Shelley?
December 16, 2012 1:36 pm

I haven't read any Mary Shelley other than Frankenstein. Is the Last Man any good?
Wuthering Heights is FAR better than Jane Eyre.

Ummm...I don't know if I agree with that. I love them both.
Persuasion by Austen may be the worst "great book" of all-time.

I love Persuasion! Damn it.
ULYSSES vs THE ODYSSEY? Gimme the ILIAD any day. Just kidding. I really like THE BERLIN STORIES by Isherwood. "I am a camera."
And yr. blog still roxxx!
December 16, 2012 7:30 pm

Aw...thank you!
Stay Kool, Noah.
Best Collection of American Short Stories 20th c.: IN OUR TIME. Also see the amazing "in our time" from the year before (1924-25.)
December 17, 2012 5:24 pm
"Foul Play" vs "Spider-Man No More"
December 18, 2012 9:39 am
Hey. Noah!
December 18, 2012 10:57 am
Fitzgerald never in paperback! Why?
December 28, 2012 4:36 pm
You Still Hate Short Stories!
January 2, 2013 10:38 am
January 10, 2013 8:35 am
Cash-In on THE GREAT GATSBY 1925 Short Stories, maan!
January 12, 2013 9:27 am
Q.: Bret Easton Ellis or James Ellroy? A.: Ellis and Ellroy!
January 31, 2013 3:12 am
Amazing Spider-Man 50?
January 31, 2013 8:09 am
February 15, 2013 11:20 pm
James Baldwin! The New Now!
Richard Wright! Langston Hughes!
Harlem Renaissance! Harlem Globetrotters!
LeRoi Jones!
February 16, 2013 9:26 am
Iceberg Slim!
S.E. Hinton!
I'd love to see a Bret Easton Ellis article on HU.
Noah, do you like The Stooges (1969-73)?
Ezra Pound?
Imagism:" Faces in the subway/Petals on a wet, black bough" or whatever. William Carlos Williams. H.D. I say they rival the Symbolists!
February 16, 2013 5:09 pm

Yeah, I love the Stooges. T.V. Eye is awesome. WCW is cool too.

February 22, 2013 12:50 pm
CITY OF NIGHT by John Rechy?
February 24, 2013 7:24 pm
February 25, 2013 8:35 am
Welcome to the Working Week
February 26, 2013 9:47 am
Read TOO FAR TO WALK by John Hersey[1966?]
March 4, 2013 6:56 pm
Have you looked at TULSA by Larry Clark or THE AMERICANS by Robert Frank (w/Jack Kerouac)?
March 7, 2013 6:56 pm
Noah, would you rather read Dickens or Hemingway OUT LOUD?

Not sure; I don't think I've read either of them out loud!
I would discover new things in Hemingway and be super-re-assured by Dickens. Hemingway's actual dialogue would be fun to say. His hidden poetic works between quotes!
March 23, 2013 9:06 am
Noah, have you read Selby or Rechy yet?
Faulkner is forbidding.
March 23, 2013 2:06 pm
Check out BETWEEN THE BUTTONS by The Rolling Stones!

Between the Buttons is great! I like a lot of their early stuff.
March 24, 2013 10:42 pm
March 26, 2013 6:04 pm
A Special Request for HU: Pllease Write an Article on "Gutter Punks"
And more about "Ke$ha!
March 28, 2013 6:35 am
Sri Lanka? Tamir Tigers? M.I.A.?
Uh, Tamil?
April 6, 2013 9:13 am
Is "Lola" by The Kinks the first gay rock hit? Probably. 1970.
April 6, 2013 10:21 am
"Sally Go Round the Roses" by a girl group in '63 is rumored Lesbian-themed. Honorable mention to Sweet Loretta Modern from "Get Back" 1969.

I love Sally Go Round the Roses! By the Jaynetts? Am I remembering that right? Wikipedia says I am....
And the fact that Mitch Ryder (Detroit Wheels) was gay throws a new light on his ultra-macho rock!
April 6, 2013 5:54 pm
What's So Funny About Peace, Love, Understanding, War, Hate, Confusion, and Rape?
Lord Byron 35? Hitler 56. Hemingway published his first novel at 26. Greatest poet of all-time maybe Charles Baudelaire?
Suggestion for HU: a round-table discussion on HIROSHIMA by John Hersey 1946?
April 7, 2013 8:45 am
Suggestion for HU: a round-table discussion on A FAREWELL TO ARMS by Ernest Hemingway 1929 USA?
The Decline of Western Civilization directed by Penelope Spheeris 1980?
Suburbia by Spheeris?
TALK RADIO and SUBURBIA New York Stage Plays 1980s Eric Bogosian USA??!?
Super Kool 120s
Marlboro Black 100s
Newport Non-Menthol 100s
Hello Goodbye
"The Walrus Was Paul"
Dear Prudence
Cry Baby Cry
"YESTERDAY"...AND TODAY [1966 USA] The Butcher Foto!
Neat! Neat! Neat!
Seriously, Hello Goodbye, Noah!
April 7, 2013 11:04 am
Have you appeared in the print-version ATLANTIC MONTHLY yet, Noah?

No...and not likely to, I don't think. Print and web are pretty separate, as far as I can tell...I pitched them something and never heard back, so...not holding my breath.
Who do they want? Naomi Klein and Bret Easton Ellis??!?
What about articles for THE NATION weekly? You're at least good enough for that!
Again, whatevs.

Heh. The Nation doesn't encourage freelancers. And there's no way the New Yorker would print my poems.

I got a review in the print edition of Reason a month or so back. That was nice.
Start your own print mag! I'll contribute anything you want for a flat rate $40/article! I swear!
April 7, 2013 1:22 pm
Submit an article to THE NEW CRITERION! I'm not kidding!
MAXIM, dammit!
THE NEW YORK REVIEW OF BOOKS! Again, dammit! You are a fine writer and it is wrong to be restricted to some kind of fukt internet ghetto!
Hooded Utilitarian Print-Version! I would happily pay $6 for a copy on the news stand!
SPIN could use a great writer again!
Column in Sun-Times or Tribune?
Chicago Reader might be the best USA free weekly! Ours in Cinti. is called CityBeat and it's ok. Justin Green lives here for some reason!
Cincinnati Enquirer is a stain on the city!
The greatest novel of all-time? THE LONG GOODBYE by Raymond Chandler 1952? USA
Or at least it's re-readable!
Charles Willeford is fantastic!
April 7, 2013 4:54 pm
I choose the Kinks record!
I've got it! Revive the weekly LIFE MAGAZINE w/YOU as Editor-in-Chief!
April 7, 2013 8:10 pm
Or create a monster PEOPLE/US/OK! DAILY (Print and Website!) $3B invested by UN/World Bank!!?!
HU Worldwide Word Efforts!
April 7, 2013 9:17 pm
Or revive Joe Simon's SICK MAGAZINE just think, Noah Berlatsky, a Mort Todd of the Twenty Teens!
Stop, Darius! Jusr stop!
"I use the N.M.E./I use/Anarchy!"
New Musical Express
"I use the best/I use the press!"
"I wanna destroy passersby!"
Do you care about 70s Punk Rock any, Noah?

Sure! Love the Stooges, love VU. Sex Pistols are okay, first Clash record is okay. Love the New York Dolls....
"Lucky Man" by ELP is weirdly good and also effective anti-war effect, up there with "The Unknown Soldier" by The Doors.
"Lucky Man"
April 8, 2013 9:18 am
Roll On, Hooded Utilitarian
April 8, 2013 10:27 am
OR revive MARVEL COLLECTOR ITEM CLASSICS title from 1965 and YOU can print ANYTHING w/Disney allowing $500,000 each monthly issue to print THE FINEST COMICS OF ALL-TIME! Cover price? FIFTY CENTS! It's true, man, LOSS LEADERS RULE!
April 8, 2013 11:53 am
April 8, 2013 5:19 pm
Noah! What Do You Know?
April 8, 2013 7:59 pm
Hey, man!
Hey! Pachuco!
Noah Berlatsky is Pavlov Picasso!
August 19, 2013 12:26 am
August 20, 2013 1:15 pm
Fake Word
September 21, 2013 3:37 pm
There is No Love in This World Anymore!
September 24, 2013 12:39 am
What's the New, Mary Jane?
October 5, 2013 10:26 am
Noah's Ark: HU, Splice, and Atlantic Monthly, saving the world again despite the New Deluge!
January 3rd, 2:05am
Marvel Collector's Item Classics Now or Never , Noah!!?!
January 14th, 2:03pm
As Ever, Darius!
Monday 5:01pm
What's the New, Mary Jane?
Thursday 6:45pm
Noah Berlatsky: Current President of the American Intelligentsia!

See Noah's wide-ranging Hooded Utilitarian!

Monday, October 28, 2013


It’s the day after I heard that Lou Reed died, and even though I haven’t paid much attention to anything he’s been doing for several decades, his music was important to me, bandmates, and friends, so I thought I’d write something down here. We used to refer to him as “Uncle Lou”—meaning, I guess, both a blood relative reverence and also irreverence, as in the perverted uncle disowned by the family that no one talks about. I vaguely recall “meeting” him once, when we—I don’t recall who, Keith Busch?—drove up to a record store on Coventry where he played a live radio show and then you could wait in line to have him sign a record or something. (He was very small and wearing a blue hoodie.) I felt embarrassed but went through with it and asked him to sign something ODD—can’t remember what now! Maybe it was a copy of Dharma Scum, a “garage novel” by Sean Hill and myself, or maybe this was before we wrote that, so maybe I asked him to sign my ass with a quill pen. It probably wasn’t THAT, but it was in that spirit. He smiled and gave me a funny look.

Like rock’n’roll, Lou has died countless times already, though I don’t want to get into the negatives here. But neither do I want to write a “tribute.” By the time they built that Clown Factory in Cleveland, rock’n’roll had been buried too deep for anyone to ever pretend to know it, but it does persist like an annoying friend (the kind where you don’t need enemies). I guess it died just about the first time anyone decided that they had this burning urge to write about it, and seeing how there’s not even room in the coffin for another nail, I’m just going to kind of blow my nose over my record collection here.

Now, in the last six years I’ve moved five times, and each time I’ve left a lot of shit behind, including my record collection, except for a handful. I’ve picked up a few at yard sales here and there, but since records are back “in” now it’s too expensive to go out and buy back what I once owned. So here in this small hotel room I’m living in now I’ve got—I just counted them—60 odd records (some odder than others: Dory Previn! The Rockin’ R’s?) I just went through them to see which Lou Reed records I have, and the grand total is two! Most shockingly in absence is my all time favorite, STREET HASSLE (1978) – where is it? There is NO WAY I don’t have that record! Yet, it’s not here. I have been robbed! Just that cover, one of the best album covers ever (what the hell is that red ball?) A great, weird record. It sounds like no other. Oh well, I can’t take it to my grave (maybe Lou did).

Now, this is going to make me really UNPOPULAR but I don’t give a rat’s ass about the Velvet Underground. Sure, I like them, but then I like the ARCHIES, too, but Lou Reed’s second career, as “Lou Reed” is where it really connects for me. And I take that back, Street Hassle isn’t my favorite record, that would be METAL MACHINE MUSIC (1975) which contrary to what people seem to think IS music and you CAN listen to it. It’s not a fuck you to the record company or the fans, it’s a LOVE LETTER. I, however, gave my copy to Jeff Curtis, because he has a radio show and has actually played it on his radio show. In fact, a great tribute to Lou Reed would be to play the entire four sides on the radio (maybe toward the end of the show, then, barricade yourself in all night while the final lock groove goes on and on and on—just an idea). Sadly, I’m also missing LOU REED (1972) with the druggie art cover, I really love that album, but my copy was trashed, and every copy you find looks like someone threw up on it after OD-ing. I also don’t have TRANSFORMER (1972), which is sad because I LOVE that record, but what’s even sadder is that about half the songs have been used in commercials for heinous products and corporations (who I guess didn’t listen to the lyrics?) because it’s about the catchiest set of jingles you’re ever going to hear. I also don’t have SALLY CAN’T DANCE (1974) and CONEY ISLAND BABY (1975) both of which I really love, and shouldn’t have too hard a time picking up somewhere since no one seems to like them. Some of his records after 1978 I enjoyed at the time but don’t really care to listen to anymore.

What do I have, then? Two records I managed to save because they’re like two books of the Holy Bible to me. LOU REED LIVE: TAKE NO PRISONERS (1978) has a way too long title, a hideous cover (though a ballsack is prominently featured) and it’s LIVE. The live rock record is really one of the most dismal mistakes in rock’s portfolio of bad ideas, but THIS record! It’s the one live record you should listen to, and well, just one of my favorite records to put on when I’m in a Scotch and cigarettes kind of mood (but without the Scotch and cigarettes). It’s a double record, folds out, and the inside is a hilarious giant photo of Lou with a cigarette, obviously taken at the same time as the Street Hassle cover (there’s that red ball again), his aviator sunglasses look like they’re covered with perm grease. It’s somewhere between a comedy record, a lounge act, and “live rock” as well as it can be played. It starts out with a pretty formidable version of “Sweet Jane” which he almost immediately interrupts to go into really funny stream-of-consciousness improvisations and complaining: “I never said I was tasteful. I’m not tasteful.” During an extended version of “Walk On The Wild Side” he sets out to tell the story of the origin of the song but keeps interrupting himself, talking about critics, particularly Christgau: “Can you imagine working for a fucking year and you get a B+ from some asshole in the Village Voice?” But also other people like Warhol superstars and celebrities like Norman Mailer: “I met Mailer at a party, he tries to punch you in the stomach to see how tough you are… he’s pathetic… ‘Come on man…’ What? You’ve got to be kidding? Somebody step on him, man. Go write a bible.” Because of the Stereo Binaural Sound recording process, this is a weird listening experience, especially with headphones (not only can you hear Lou brutally addressing members of the audience, you can hear individual members of the audience). “I sing when you shut up.” Causing feedback: “Isn’t that annoying? I can drown you out. Leave if you don’t like it.” But it’s actually all very loving, believe it or not, he loves this audience, and what he’s doing, that’s the sense I get.

I lied when I said those other records were my favorite all-time Lou Reed records because my favorite actually is the other one I have, BERLIN, which is from 1973, the year I believe is the pinnacle of American culture (that’s right, it’s been downhill for the last 40 years). I suppose I’ve listened to this record more than all of his others combined, so I don’t put it on that much anymore—but I still do once in awhile when I need something to cheer me up. People often say it’s depressing, meaning the music, the lyrics, the content, but I don’t understand that, really… I mean, isn’t a lot of art about sad subjects? The songs are all very beautiful, all of them on this record, and I find that uplifting. I think people constantly confuse depressing with sad. I find bad art depressing, maybe, but mostly I try to ignore it. What I love about this record is that it’s so over the top, it’s extreme, melodramatic, emotional. I love to think about these people in the studio, how they must have felt recording it. I hope they felt like they were doing something great. I don’t mean to criticize people who find this record too sad to listen to, I guess, I mean the story it contains IS pretty heartbreaking! But I take it as a story, that’s all. Maybe it’s the ultimate compliment, ironically, if you’re making sad art, when it’s too sad for people to even want to experience. By the way, I sure have quoted Lou Reed a lot over the years, to the extent where it’s like his lyrics have become part of my personality. I think my favorite one of all comes from the last song on this record: “Just goes to show how wrong you can be.”

Saturday, October 5, 2013


I walked to a deserted public library and used a computer for the first time and strangely, I felt vaguely to blame for these new USA super-horrors. I can almost recall a public conversation in the Nineties about hating the way the grotesque World Trade Center ruined the NYC skyline, and wishing out loud that the Twin Towers be demolished. Just idle talk in coffee shops, discussion of the bomber that crashed into the Empire State Building in the forties, and speculation about weaponized passenger jets. Not sure if this is delusional or accurate.


Dear Robo-Poet: Please disconnect your phone, pulverize your computer by sledgehammer, cancel your mail, move to Hawaii where you'll never check General Delivery or even touch a payphone...your pain is so immortal that no mere friend could ever hope to qualify to hear your translations of the word of God into a rarefied English. Sporty Spice is a blip on a sonar screen next to the towering importance of your literary self! Signed, Secret Spice, Worthlessville, Ohio.


Your behavior is scrutinized and the worst deductions are made about you. There is too much food, way too much time, gossip, personalities always carry the day, above all so-called professional behavior. In this hospital (University of Cincinnati Medical Center, 8 West, my ward) nothing really important I can see goes on and nothing too horrifying either. The goal is to stack everyone on a shelf and feed them and let them rest, drugging them back to their "proper levels." Our failure to move on in life keeps this carousel spinning. Soon. Something. Somewhere.

Friday, October 4, 2013


We are not sunny here, we are skyless.
I want to remember the way out:
Snappy lines, the unremembered truth.
The grim path, correct and incorrect,
Never changes, the truth flickering
Madly never changes.

Monday, September 30, 2013


I saw a link to an article at Huffington Post about a kidnapped professor in Arizona: "Veronica Perez Rodriguez, Northern Arizona Professer [sic], Escapes Kidnappers In Mexico."
Never mind the typo in the headline. That's a subject for a different post. I was curious about the content-to-"crap" ratio. Here's a miniaturized screen capture of the page that I got. I used Photoshop and hid the actual content (it's covered in red). In other words, the red area represents the information that people actually want to see when they arrive.
The content occupies about 5.2% of the page. The remaining 94.8% consists of ads, links to other pages, links to social crap, a Bing search, a Twitter box, unhidable comments, navigation tools, and who knows what else.
The HTML code is 410K, and it loads eight additional HTML documents, 272 graphic images, 21 Javascript files, 8 CSS files, and about two dozen other files. Loading the page makes 294 HTTP requests, and gets 1,868,368 bytes. It has at least 332 hyperlinks.
The text "facebook" is used 109 times in the raw source document. The text "twitter" is used 122 times.
If you actually read the article, you find that it's just an article and video duplicated from another site -- an excellent example of how a content farm works. This sort of thing probably represents the future of the Web, and it will only get worse. You can avoid some of the garbage by using an ad blocker, but it doesn't hide the fact that this web page is 95% worthless. In fact, it's 100% worthless when you consider the fact that you can find the exact same content elsewhere.
The page where they got the content from is also obnoxious, but not nearly as bad as HuffPo. When you use an ad blocker, it actually looks pretty good.
DLN: What's with all these forwards?
THE MOSS PROBLEM: Really? Get bent, fucker.
DLN: Why are you such a retard? I just asked what you were up to and you act like an ass.
This is why I had to cut off the phone biz. I know part of you can't help it and I feel terrible for the part that can, but sometimes like now I can't tell the difference and I just don't feel like getting treated like dirt for no reason.
If you're well then you're a jerk. If you're not then I'm sorry and I look forward to talking when you've cycled out and into a better state.
TMP: I'm not allowed to call you. I'm not allowed to write to you. Only certain DLN-related topics are discussable.
Sending you an article fucks up your life about as much as seeing my name on your call i.d. screws up your life. Your intolerance is staggering, your egotism outrageous. I love you and all and I always will and I am as flawed as they come and you ARE brilliant and all that but no one calls shots in my life lording whatever over me except my future wife and you are definitely not her. I realize you don't need me, I don't need you, but you're a cool guy and I won't play the abused stepchild ever.
DLN: Get bent, fucker? That's what you say to me when I ask what's going on? And now this? What an overreach. Phone is out for obvious reasons though it doesn't make me happy. E-mail is always fine except when you start this kind of crap. Topics are all on the table; where do you get that we can only talk about me? Because you refuse to talk about yourself? I'm not intolerant, I suppose, unless endless phone calls and being abused in e-mail and not liking it is a sign of intolerance.
This is all a two-way street. Ponder both sides, please.
TMP: I'm sorry. You're right. "Get bent, fucker," was the extremely worst thing to say. I will regroup, stop spamming you, and try to be human. I suck sometimes.
DLN: Thanks, same here, not trying to pick a fight, I just get it from all angles and it's hard to know when to defend and when to absorb or ignore.
SRM: I accept yer apology...That's the first time I've ever witnessed you flipping-the-fuck-out...Wasn't pleasant. Especially since I seemed to be the one, to have spawned yer Beast. I kept reminding myself that you bark and not bite...I wanted badly to serve you a Karate Chop. But, that probably could have made you imagine that I was a Praying Mantis-style Kung Fu Instructor, at the Fairfield YMCA....and then yer phone call to yr mom would FORCE a call from her to yr paternal arch-nemesis....eventually --tho not TOO far down-- leading to Haldol-induced phone calls begging me to smuggle you-in a few smokes, at Sinclair (sp?) State-where, evidently their professional staff haven't-yet adopted anywhere near-a progressive game-plan, with their five-shelved Darius Case-File...
--I was stuck in the pouring rain. Placed my properties, which you whizzed-out, from yer apartment door-into/onto the floor/stairs...placed them in the dumpster-covered with an empty/discarded Utility of a LaRosa's Pizza Box (a LARGE==My GuD LuK), behind yer complex...waiting fer my Folks to pick me up. They were in the middle of an evening out, enjoying a nice dinner, fer my Dad's Eighty-Years-Old Birthday --forcible phone-- voice interrupting their celebration, soaked, pissed-off, confused, stuck-fer-a-cab (I called about seven friends and cabs-with no dice)...
--(I, the Victim of-)-your overly-physical harangue, coming out-from-nowhere-My tormenting consequence of The Defining dipshittedly, uninspired and garden-variety Flaked Nonsense - (myself, personally-) having nowhere CLOSE to becoming reckoned with-added with disappointing-futility thoughts - "reckoning" what you normally do/who you are, predictable lack of abilities to inspire...Realizing the difference between Rant and mindless middle-aged chatter...
Dexedrine vs. Dextromethorphan....
Talking FAST vs. Talking Mumbo Jumbo...
Ambition vs. Apathy...
Elementary Discussion vs. Confrontational Misinterpretation...
Intentional Personal Neglect (--with available "betterment" means, on hand) vs. Disappointment Surfing With State Aid...
A man and a woman-soon, later, another one of yer neighbors were walking into the building...Was walking towards them, to mostly get out of the downpour...There were NO shelters. No-frills style-parking garages, unlocked buildings, business establishments, nor otherwise...After some kind words, I was let into yer building. Waited in the laundry room, with all my shit (it stayed dry, in the dumpster. LaRosa's Pizza Parlours kick ass...)
...Miserable and rain-soaked approaches lay-down a sympathetic demeanor-even in the most miserable assholes I explained that the crap on the floor was mine and that you'd thrown me out. One of these folks asked me if it was a "lover''s spat" (meaning=You & I = L u V ) - - I said it wasn't...and didn't really bad-mouth you at all, if I remember...I remember a Black girl mentioning that you were (=-she views you as--) "quiet"...No "Gay Talk" was inferred.
I ONLY apologize fer my (sarcastic), confrontational "advice"-regarding yer trends in regards to yer publishing choices/apathy towards profiting from personal Arts & Crafts. etc. etc. etc.
I'll listen to yr voice mails. I'll notice yr e-mails...
That's about IT.
Good luck.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Chickfactor: When did you first publish WIGLET and why?
Gilmore Tamny: Started it in November of '90 after I'd moved to Cleveland. I'd been writing stories in college and giving the whole trying-to-get-published thing a whirl, which, ugh, was seeming pretty miserable. My boyfriend showed me some zines--they were a complete revelation--and I knew that's what I wanted to do.
CF: What sort of things were in WIGLET?
Gilmore: Interviews, comics, a confessional or two, essays, short stories.
CF: What thing in WIGLET were you most proud of?
Gilmore: Ah, I think it had a really specific feel to it.
CF: Why did you stop WIGLET?
Gilmore: I'm glad you asked me that. I've felt bad I've never written back to the people who've asked for issues or why I stopped putting it out. It was a convergence of miseries, really. I was having problems which I didn't feel comfortable writing about, it didn't fit into the WIGLET idea, but couldn't really talk about anything else, either. So I just sort of shut down and played guitar all the time. Also, the person who had been the inspiration for WIGLET had gone crazy a few years before and was going in and out of jail and institutions, which was just depressing as hell and I kinda needed to put an end to that era of my life. That's all kind of grim, but I don't know, it worked out for the best, I think I was getting ready to do something else anyway.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013


Buddy Holly said, "I guess it doesn't matter anymore" and he is so correct. I know you're fanatically devoted to "The Day the Music Died," you like to sing along with your good friends while drinking wine and I heard about your heroin abuse episode at this year's Jimmy Buffet concert. "Everybody in my office is a junkie!" Congratulations. "Rock" is the triumph, finally, of the Loser.

Saturday, September 21, 2013


THE SCHEMATIC STRIKES! by Jeanne Falstrom 1985

priscilla painful on a midnight walk
shouting shallow thunder upwards
as i laugh with envy
poor poor priscilla i say
but as always i really mean me
and she loves me until she gets
then flies to a lighthot lamp
then dies
i pretend not to care
but as always i suck
and i loved priscilla
(when i was

Saturday, August 17, 2013


Staggering into the park at three a.m., destination: overlook, Jim Gladish, drunk on cooking sherry, snubbed by the ugliest girl at the X Spot, Jim Gladish, rightfully the world's most important blogger and everywhere people laughed if they were paying attention to him at all and over 99% of the time no one knew who this so-called superstar Jim Gladish even was. So, to the overlook! Jump into the void and into the oblivion of eternity! But first a cigarette....

No more top thirty unknown sitcoms? One, two tears, then a flood. Jim Gladish knew right then he couldn't kill himself; where would that leave his Jim's TV Universe readers? So he staggered home. These were the Better Days before the new Golden Age. Jim Gladish will inherit the world and give away half in five minutes, yours for the asking. Have at it!

Thursday, August 8, 2013


1945 ruined August forever after. No more Central Powers vs the Entente, no more Crown Prince Franz Ferdinands shot in their touring cars or Rapes of Belgium, no more Russian armies invading East Prussia, no more French Theory of Attack toward the Upper Rhine, no more "Which side will Italy join?" Now we commemorate A-bomb blasts. However, 11/11 worked wonders for November. Armistice Day, dammit!

Friday, July 5, 2013


His Dad fell asleep in the Garage with the Car running. Chicago on the 8-Track sang "Only the Beginning." Let's make an Effort to transform this Ordinary Suicide into a Super-Start! For Somebody.

The Bees died off early that Year so Everyone in Town was super happy. Kids never came into Contact with Peanuts or Latex. Shul Neighbor, Barber Shop Owner and Unofficial Town King ordered the Deaths of Three Jews. His Men searched but None were found matching the King's Description: Lamb's Wool for Hair, Giant Bird Beak for Nose, and Lengthy Fangs coated in Christian Blood.

Monday, June 3, 2013


From: To: right, this blog uk sucks. I have an account with blogger and can walk with you through it if you want. i hope it's free, meanwhile Live Journal and MySpace are worth looking at, and a site called YUKU if it gets desperate. Darius Smith wrote: It's pretty fucking horrible. A spam generator with an "ad search engine" in the title box! --Jeff From: Robin Plan Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2006 20:48:39 -0700 (PDT) It's a start, but it's not a good platform, people have to open accounts and log in to read your posts? You know MySpace may be better, or Live Journal, sorry I didn't think of them before. They are super easy and very well known, your good work won't be hidden over there in the damn United Kingdom this way. Hold on, I will find a cool journal and send you the link so you can see the possibilities. For now, just yay, you got something up. Feel empowered, it's difficult crazy making shit! Be right back! Darius Smith wrote: is pretty fucking ugly. Oh well. --Jeff From: Robin Plan wrote: I liked it very much. Navigating around Word Press is impossible for me. The pages won't come up. I just want simplicity, prestige isn't important. Please recommend something. --Jeff. From: Robin Plan Gotcha. You can turn off comments at your Word Press blog and you don't have to make a blogroll. My blog is it's been linked to 80 other blogs so far! Gooogle it! Word Press seems the most versatile free site out there, you can do pretty much what you want, IF you can get back in. That's the problem isn't it? You're locked out of your own blog and you're too stubborn to admit you don't know how to navigate the site! So now you will have nothing to do with them, fess up. Darius Smith wrote: Magazines have tables of content. "Blogs" often have trillions of "links" to blogs that "link" back. My magazine will have no comments scroll (letters to the ed. instead.) A detailed recounting of daily news events or my life or my opinion of George W. Bush is not my aim. Where is your "blog?" --Jeff. (This is not intended to be sarcastic or "snarky.")

Sunday, March 31, 2013


The TV stations stop broadcasting, the radio stations sign off, the police force resigns and the fire department doesn't respond to alarms. The electric utilities and the phone companies give up, all banks fail, all grocery stores declare bankruptcy. Teenagers systematically lay torches to the subdivisions, door-to-door salesman take up serial murder, and you're making love to your boss in a fast-food toilet stall. You're finally happy. The Best Page in the Universe!


Sloganeer never sleeps. More reasons to live than stars in the sky. We're at war with the sky. The television is uncommitted. The motion pictures promise "soon." One book in a thousand like a blueprint: How we can build less sad lives. I don't want a rollercoaster. I want a Coast-to-Coast Subway. Or I'll walk, hitch, stay. Go in Mid-Western Circles. See, I'm here, alive, I'm in love, I don't care. You walk in whatever direction you want. I walk in the new directions. Escalation of love, I'll risk all, everyday, all day. Risking everything is the only way I can go forward. Anything else is certain death or worse. So! Destroy me! Yes! I am a Monster! Give me another reason! I've got maybe a million million reasons! Collection far from complete! My advice? Fall in love with the fact that you ever lived at all. I won't stop. Death never stops. O.K.!

Saturday, March 23, 2013


After 5 or 6 years The Moss Problem posts its first music video. Yes, Reader, it's safe to say we at last reveal our true sell-out selves! To any and all scoffers our reply, as ever, is "Get bent, ya flowerpots!"

Thursday, March 21, 2013


Imagine a friend from the Federal Reserve walking through our distressed neighborhoods with all kinds of cash and gold instead of all these penniless priests! Let's find a parking lot where we can erect a field of crosses for these frauds, I mean, really, man! If you can't reply to Our Sporty Spice first of all I feel sorry for you and after that...there's a keyboard right in front of you, a machine, less than any real effort, I mean what's wrong? Do you have cancer? AIDS? Or if you had the fatal illness would you be more likely to make the effort? What is wrong with you? Tell me quick...! All right, girls and boy well-wishers, how about some entertainment?

SPORTY SPICE IS A SCANNER AND A SEXY GIRL I don't care about your warnings, this is real-- Yeah, she's fourteen, I'm aware of that fact, fine, fine-- Yeah, this hallucinogen is super-dangerous, I won't forget-- Yeah, we'll all be killed for certain if we try, I'll remember-- Understand, please, this is not for suicide, this is a real attempt to improve the quality of our lives, that's all. Have you never really heard of Risk? Sporty Spice is about to murder you, no, really, I am Sporty Spice and I am going to kill you in five seconds. Yeah, that's me Sporty Spice in that commercial, on the cover of all kinds of magazines, and the featured player in ten thousand snuff films. My other name is YOUR GIRLFRIEND. So, you're either with Sporty Spice or you probably never really existed at all.

Saturday, February 23, 2013


***Jello Mitchell Chat Conversation Start February 17*** xxx xoxox sweet premium sweet premium you know what THIS IS xerox i have an industrial sized one of them no they call 'em photocopiers now. who knew omg how you do that that is INSANE Wha. Wait nevermind That was so weird dude Pynchon. I got one friend req. and it was like.. uh.. V. I dunno, it popped up as showing I had 238 but I only had received one. and I thought you did a magic trick. LOL first novel 1963 v for Very Big Dick no female wait huh i dunno wht we're tlaking about now! i don't think your message sent. I just saw V. FB chat is very, very buggy on my end I'm not a man. i dont even know if my msgs send. it's weird. prolly why anytime one notification comes up it'll show a bunch msgs,! Ahh, I gotcha. I honestly don't know what anyone is online. My SN is a cat. mgmt.! My cat's name I mean OK mgmt haha i saw them live i think. OK You live in Cleveland? I was supposed to be bussing down there yesterday or today or one of the past 3 days. heh Cincinnati OK ahhh, gotcha. I just saw under yr activity an event in CLE took a wild guess Lived there for 5 yrs. Wow Scott Pickering is mutual friends with my 2 friends from CLE Small world haha. Yeah. You may very well know one or both of 'em too for all i know! I was gonna see his band play. Missed the show. Too sick to take an amtrak this weekend. Not Scott but my friend I mean Yes. Since the 80s. Meg and Justin?! Or Scott? If you know Meg and Justin that is insane! Very small world. Some are frenz of frenz. Darius, is that Charlotte Pressler.. the late Peter Laughner's ex-wife?... I am quite fond of poetry by a person from CLE named Charlotte Pressler.. i think that was her name- but i can't remember... and she is among my FB ads. adds* Yes. Dead at 25. Friend requests. whatevs, I forget what to call 'em, I'm a bad Facebooker. That's his ex wife, the page I'm looking at now? OK i know of Laughner.. he is a huge idol of mine She's a Fla. Prof. now. still single. i was just a little awestruck to see Charlotte Pressler in my friend req. thing, because i was just istening to her and peter's amicable divorce reading a day or two ago.. wow. I loved her work,, the little i have been able to find insane.. i think she might even be under my influences list on this thing with 3 or 4 others OK that's so crazy, i had no idea she'd be a Facebook user or on here. it was so neat to meet eBay on eBay Lisa on eBay* gosh, sorry. My typing is off. I work clerical ...I type a lot and fast. So I make errors when I'm multi-tasking and stuff- not trying to be rude or anything! wow... I cannot believe that is Charlotte Pressler How did you link our friend lists up like that? If you don't mind me asking. Believe it, Kool Thing. I find it so fascinating that you (sort of) know Meghan Guder and Justin ...even though Cleveland and stuff.. yeah. Suggest Friends feature. Haha!* My message didn't send.. Chuck D Yes. I have that on CD and it is one of the few CD albums I have actually listened to recently. Nice. I had been sorting old CDs. I had a huge collection growing up. 700 still, trying to give away or sell most all of them now. BUT... while looking through these Deans milk crates stacked w/ CDs I found some albums I wanted to rip to my laptop. That one was one of 'em. It's near-by somewhere because I had been playing it through the big speakers. "The Suburbs" by The Arcade Fire over and over again for years! Try it! I found a buncha old gems and even some tapes.... CD just got really expensive- at least here. 15$+ tax was too much when a vinyl cost the same or less usually cuz I bought a lot at shows. You know whats weird? I never much got into the Arcade Fire. I knew a lot of people who LOVED them. And some people who hated them. I was indifferent. My ex had no opinion and she did help get me into a lot of music I had kind of shunned before.... more just because I didn't give the entire body of work a thorough listen. But at the same time, The Arcade Fire is one of those polarizing bands for me in the sense that what I have heard I just don't know if I like or not. I haven't heard enough... They're like Wilco in the polarizing way... I like a lot of Wilco, but some of it I don't like. I don't know what to make of them. Only I've heard a TON of Wilco stuff compared to TAF just ..probably because of Tweedy/Chicago/etc. I dont own a single Wilco album even, but it's so easy to recognize their tunes now... Chicago loves 'em Vinyl Listi %8.98 vs CD List $15.98. But yeah. I'd take some Arcade Fire recommendations for sure. I'm on tghe hunt for some new tunes. I know! Right?! I buy vinyl for 4$ and sometimes they're limited pressings even. If I can find a limited to 56 on green wax of something for approx 7$US (it was GBP, around 2-3 GBP... so I guess 6-8 bucks maybe, I'm bad at conversion rates).... I'd take that ANY day of the week! I keep a discogs account and am still trying to update it with everything I own on vinyl and the important releases on tape and CD that I still enjoy. I admit I am a pretty crazy weirdo collector with that stuff! Neat-O. Do you collect anything? Vinyl or CD or Tapes I mean? Comic Books Rad! FavoriteS? Yeah! And I'm looking into buying back some Meatcake... I let my ex keep a ton. I hear there's a comp. now? 1960s Teen Titans in mint condition! Slutburger Is it best to buy straight from Dame Darcy's etsy? I don't have an etsy account of my own, so I haven't bought anything yet! It's been silly. I have put it off forever even though DD has so many things I'd like to buy and I have a decent chunk of disposable income right now just because I moved and am saving money at the moment as a result. I wanted t obuy some meatcake. If you like Meatcake, that is. I just dunno where to buy them now save for eBay and I don't like buying from re-sale. Red Meat is awesome ever read those? Neat Stuff, Yummyy Fur I liked Doonesbury for awhile... had a huge compilation book that was autographed. I gave it to my father as a gift, if I remember right. I'll have to look into all of this! Yes, direct from artist is best. please remind me if I forget, haha. I agree completely. I pissed someone off on eBay once. But totally did not mean to! yeh They were selling Rollerderby for about $20 for some editions I have 2-3 copies of just because Lisa has sent me doubles once or twice here or there.. and I have someee old ones my ex doesn't have and some that just survived or I'll find in a stack of old stuff. Hell I have old cosmos even from ages ago, and a Latoya Jackson Playboy somewhere... even a Vanna White one! I keep weird mags. But anywho, I have some of these RD copies, and the guy is selling 'em for liek $20 a piece. I just kind of asked him if he was affiliated w/ Suckdog or Lisa in some way or another (he had Suckdog stuff up, I think thats how I found his page.. and Dame Darcy Meatcake, and maybe Maximum RNR or Forced Exposure zines too...) ..and I asked whhy his were so much more than her sales. I wasn't trying to be rude at all but I don't want to buy bootlegs and one time I bought a 'zine that someone just xeroxed a copy of and re-sold. I've bought manuals to 4tracks that people made on their own. It's annoying but I was naive w/ the manual, my own fault.... though whenever I buy a zine, I make sure that it isn't someone selling bootlegs. That's all I really wanna make sure. I don't wanna buy a xeroxed copy and I've done that once for marked up value. The guy got all pissed and took it personally, and started talking about how I wasn't there when they had no money and he was and yada yada. I apologized and explained I just didn't wanna shill money out for bootlegs... he was coool then. lol But I noticed Dame Darcy sells a lot of stuff on etsy and I shared an account w/ someone. Don't have my own. I really wanna buy from her store, though. I bought a new copy of Dancing Queen today.... only 5 and signed. That's why I like buying from the artists or writers straight-up. Plus it has been so cool meeting some of the people on Lisa's facebook. Lots of fun discussion and good folks. Mint condition copies of your local free weekly HIGHLY collectible! hahaha LISA CARVER IS THE BEST. You know what I loved as a kid? I dunno how you feel about them as comics or what, but I loved Calvin & Hobbes. I think it was more because it reminded/reminds me of some family members from downstate IL and stuff. But I loved those so much as a kiddo. I read every single one and then bought any archive or double-copy I could find and read those too, even if it only had a few things I hadn't read before. Lisa Carver is amazing. Finding her on eBay was the best. And then we shared a story about Bloody Mess and his crimping iron. I was born 1965. It was so fucking funny, cuz I bought from Bloody Mess on eBay once or twice and while he was nice, I totally laugh everry time I think of that RD article on tough guy rockers Peanuts was my strip. So when she brought it up I about DIED laughing cuz i had almost forgotten about it. I love Peanuts!!! I kno Bloody Wounds not Bloody Mess, Mess. For a minute I would save two from the Funnies.. and sometimes I will still.. but it got to the point where I just saved the funnies each week, and got too lazy to clip them out... but I would take scissors and clip Peanuts and Garfield. Each week as recent as maybe..2010? 2009? I dunno... 3-5 years ago I did it a lot. I had so many and then my cat pissed on a pile and I kind of stopped hehe Bloody Mess was a GG Allin acolyte. He kind of sucks. Nice dude to me personally, but he is a cornball. And he lit his hair on fire. It was part of his act... so the idea of him crimping it has ALWAYS made me laugh so so hard. When Lisa mentioned it out of the blue in a message on eBay we started chatting more and then I finally wound up on here adding here haha. adding her* I was out of touch w/The Scene for a couple years in the 90s. Bloody Mess was from Peoria, IL too and I have been there a lot so hes kinda an IL dude I guess? Yeah he was 80s Well in Il then with GG. Chicago. I'm Cinti. He's Oregon-based now or something. Yeah I dig it. You have been to Bogarts ever? errr. Have you ever been to Bogart's? og course sux That first question was so grammatically incorrect.. haha YES of it looks sooo bad It's likee the vic I bet The vic reminds me of what bogart's looks like and what friends have told me. Jockey club Top Hit Sudsy's Seems like a steaming pile of shit, how is it still standing?! Bogart's that is Sudsy Malone's Plaza What's that?? The notable Cinti. clubs since early 80s I have never been to CLE... I lived with someone who had JUST moved here from Ohio, but she was only there for a little bit I think. So she didn't have much to tell. Justin and Meghan I have known for 2 or 3 yrs maybe... and I plan on going to Ohio to visit them this summer or sooner... was supposed to see Justin's new band one of these past 3 days. Does he know who you are or does Meghan? Bogart's is horrible. The worst. Ahh cool. Chicago's best? IMO? What would you consider good.. bigger clubs or smaller ones? Small okay, same. I booked for for a minute, a chicago robbery aka booking company And they stopped booking at the cool venues but Bottom Lounge, Empty Bottle, Beat Kitchen (even tho the shows there now kind of aren't the stuff I dig), Deagan music before it closed down... pk those were some favorites. ok the vic is a dump, the metro sucks the exit is cool i guess. forgot about that place. kinda tame now. i left my sesame stret umbrella there 2 halloweens ago. depressing. steet street Gah. It's really nice to know some people in the area at least, so I accepted most of the requests who sent me one. I may be moving to CLE or somewhere in Ohio anyway sometime later this year. CLE, Boston, and for a second CAL but that's off the list. CLE BOS and maybe, possibly FLa but doubt it. I wanna move somewhere for a year, one of those places. real bad. How affordable is apartments and stuff? $500/mo. nice mo. Damn! that rules! What size? 2 bedroom I'm looking for 1-bedroom but I stayed in a studio in Chicago and I don't even wanna name the price now. Holy fuck. Wow. I hate our costly city. ok I could spend $200+ on fun stuff, and have 2 BEDROOMS. Next thing you're gonna tell me is the apartments usually have 2 bathrooms to. too* No. My ex and I just needed a small studio for a year, but wow, do i ever realize how much we were getting rammed. Yeah. Nice place and ice area but it was such a rip in retrospect.... Chicago is like that though I guess. My friend in ohio told me it was cheap, but 500 for a 2/br is amazing. Chicago is the gual for avd. modi-class Cincinnatians. goal haha! avg. You know what I read not too long ago? Michigan or rather Detroit is like Cleveland on steroids. Someone said that. And man I couldn't agree more. I love Detroit. it sounds so true. And I have never been to CLE But it just seems like a nice description. Cleveland is great. I have been thru DET once I think. Never stopped. I'd love to visit. Yeah I wanna move there for a bit before it's too late and I have to near my youngest brother, or in Chicago for awhile anyway. Ann Arbor! Yes!! Destroy All Monsters! AWESOME band. Yes. So so awesome I them so much one of the best... CLE and Ann Arbor... they have produced some of my favorite musicians ever... Kick Out The Jams Motherfuckers! Dead Boys.. Laughner.... DAM...Wayne fucking Kramer, YES ever listen to Wayne and Johnny Thunders' bootleg gig? Gang War it's so good Dead Boys Laughner Cramps etc. cLE If you're a Johnny fan at all you cannot go wrong.. Wayne is great. Sings on one or two. Some good covers, some Johnny classics, maybe a dolls song or two... Dead Boys Dead Boys are one of my favorites. Stiv is/was amazing. I am in the process of making a video w. stiv and johnny. Just being so lazy.... I have to splice it. Johnny is NYC I know, but The video has a point beside the areas I always associate the two dudes too admittedly they were good friends. I wish the two of them + Dee Dee really did get to put out that Whores of Babylon album, but it was mostly Stiv and session musicians. I love Stiv's memorial gig... but it is so depressing... Cinti. is Charles Manson's birthplace. Cheetah is crying it's weird to see Cheetah cry I guess. yeh Johnny's eyes are the size of dinner plates- as usual- but he is on... Point of my video New York Dolls decimated! someone asks Johnny... the video starts and Johnny just tells the guy "I hope this isnt another boring interview about drugs" and it totally winds up being one. the guy asks johnny what if you die? and johnny goes, "What if you die?" ... "but I don't do drugs." "So what? What if you get hit by a car?" ... or something to that effect; circa 1982 or 83.... Our horrible best known band is prob. the fucking AFGHAN WHIGS. flash forward to stiv and paris...sigh. Johnny knew a thing or two. Even if I am currently rehabbing my own drug problems. Hit by a car like Nico in Paris. Yep. Just like Johnny says in this interview. CIA I want to compile the clip with some Stiv footage... And memorial footage. OK I don''t condone drugs or use but I also think Johnny was killed. ONLY rockstar myth death thing I buy into a lot. Well Brian Jones too lol I think he was just shoved in a pool and too high to swim. If that's murdeer then yeah... Cobain? Eh.... I buy one thing possibly Maaaybe dylan carlson shot him up and he didn't wake up He was NOT suicidal! And dylan + courtney set it up I also find the Allen wrench theory odd you ever hear that one? I found a geocities type of page that explains it in entirety and it is interesting I'm not a courtney hater though to be fair I love Courtney Love no matter what. I wonder if possibly dylan shot him up and they didnt want him to look like another dead junkie and they covered it up. Accidental overdose coverup. But I dunno. I grew up and loved Nirvana and I try not to think about it. It made me sad at one point... but so many rockstars have come and gone and shit. Me too The one death I truly am bummed about to this day is Johnny's because of how versatile his music was and he had seemed to be cleaning up when he died. Dee Dee said it was a meth deal gone bad. He was on meth maitenence. His fuckin' body was shaped like a U when rigor mortis set in and the hotel room ramshackled. I used to own everything incl. every bootkleg and cassette release by her. Endlrss;y endlessly entertraining. I could lsten to "Live Through This" for 5 years non-ay.stop anyd I find the whole Manic Preachers thing interesting too the dude disappearing- Richey but he killed himself. Jumper, me thinks. I saw him. He was great. 1985 or 6. He would have been ID'd if he was alive! That big scar on his arm from the 4 REAL photoshoot thing alone is ID-able. I have never gotten a tat or anything because I have this weird feeling one day I may need to vanish. I have scars that could be id'd on me though and that is so easy to recognize, he would have been noticed by someone for it if he was out there. Theres' a better chance 2pac is alive than Richey Edwards... but that fascinated me until he was declared officially dead. if you ever want some Hole CDs I nave no scar piercing or tat I could mail you some for free. Legit. yes I have some old sngles singles* ok The only one I really like is the slit-wrist one because I love that covder. hah. cover* i'll send you comix I gotta find 'em but I totally would send em rad! I could even part w/ the slit wrist one probabyl haha love that scar cover I gotta find them before I move. I'm trying to unload a lot of these CDs. ok I have similar tunes, i.e. Babes in Toyland and L7. yes! if you like anything like that. I generally am not tied to any of my CD collection at this point save stuff I've bought in the past 2-3 yrs she auditioned with babes in toyland You know I'll try to add some of my CD collection to my account and stuff, and you can let me know what sutff you dig and I'll put it aside ) yeah! ok Kat rules too Babes in toyland is good or are? I think they brokeup i love the USPS! i remember Betty Blowtorch too.. reminded me of goog/gone me too haha I lived right next to a post office in andersonville my old apt. kat bjelland! now it's a bit further yes! I cant spell her last name so i didn't try hehe I saw the Slits live before one of their main mebers passed away right before, or a year before maybe.. not too long before They were reunited I think maybe? john rotten's step-daughter born in Germany. yes I still cant believe how many people have gone in recent yrs even. Poly Styrene... shit.. i always forget.. it's sad. middle age is tuff Thats why I cant get hung up on one said death i.e. a Cobain even if I loved Nirvana middle age Johnny T. though depresses me. His music was so versatile, even the cabaret album he did I love luvved Nirvana i wish he was still alive and peter Laughner he was unbelievable and did so much in his timespan Ain't It Fun.. the intro dedicated to Jane Scott yes that gives me CHILLS she died in 2011 96!!! it was prophetic Laughner > Dylan as far as I'm concerned and I hate making statements like that but he was an unreal talent. i think i own his complete recording on a fucking computer dvd disc just an amazing songwriter and I even like his version of Alll Along... more than Jimi's... I have so many bootlegs I can't even keep track i have take a guitar player for a ride take the* dylan almost died in 1966 CIA again on CD somewhere but I dunno where... i have it all in mp3 now You ever read the book about Mary Pinot? I think that was her name... I might be off now I Hate MP3s Heaed of it. it's a JFK book about the CIA assassination about his last mistress Yes. i didn't mean to put that 2nd about I wanna read that book if it's any good. looked intriguing. i like kennedy stuff... err I am the son og JFK. Not kidding. jfk mainly JFK hahaha You went down in that plan?!~ plane?! Miss January 1962 mother I remember that happening, too. so much crazy stuff w/ that fam. A lot of people I know are fascinated by 'em Merle Pertile 1941-97 USA my mother No way! I gotta look this up! I believe you JFK illegitimate father Not Kidding. Wow... holy cow... I believe you. That's insane. The coincidences within our convo. Just the CLE connection even. Too cool! I live close to the Gacy plot? hah. I feel like I have no more cool stuff to top that. I look like a fucking sort of like a Kennedy. That is insane. I knew someone who was obsessed w/ Kennedy stuff... I am an ancestor of uhh the Sinclaires somehow I gotta trace it Sin Claires maybe I forget the spelling. I could find it easy enough, i think Not obs how it is.essed/Kust Not obsessed/\. Just how it is. did your mother really grow up in Indiana/IL? Or was it CAL? I read two different things Adopted in the 60s February 18 The internet is pretty conflicting Ahhh Today Are you Joni's brother?? What is your profession, Jello? Publicist? Clerical worker right now I write a lot. I'm doing clerical work to get by ...temp. job, then I'm going to look for something else when I move. perhaps freelance writing, I'm going to hope I can get lucky and land a gig somewhere or with something. I also have considered moving. and I play the stock market, as sad and embarrassing to admit that can be....

Monday, February 18, 2013

Save The Date

Friday, August 16th is just around the corner kids, and it’s big movie day with not one but three premiers set for wide release. It’s not too soon to fill your bookbag with airpopped O. Redenbacher’s and line your inner pockets with airplane bottles of J├Ągermeister because folks, this is a TRIPLE FEATURE.

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
You already know it’s the sequel to The Lightning Thief, based on The Sea of Monsters. Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman), who is the son of a god, sets out with his friends, who are also kids of gods (an obvious reference to Hollywood brats and the spoiled kids of the power elite) to snag the Golden Fleece and save Camp Half-Blood! What really has us writhing in anticipation, however, is the much vaunted promise of  Missi Pyle, Yvette Nicole Brown, and Mary Birdsong as the Graeae. Should achieve 3-D fabulousness in post.

The To-Do List
Set in 1993 (we’re already salivating for that soundtrack) good-girl Brandy Klark (Aubrey Plaza) wants to make up for lost time before college so she assembles a “to-do” list of the following all-star cast: Josh Weston, Sammy Case, Blake Masters, Anthony Holloway, Logan McCree, Diesel Washington, James Deen , Tommy Blade, TJ Cummings, Billy Glide, Mikey Butders, Erik Everhard, and Bryon Long. (And, we hope, Vaseline!) R rating should be achieved through clever cutting in post.

Midnight movie:
2 Guns
Mark Wahlberg again as a DEA agent and Denzel Washington plays yet another Naval Intelligence officer—but the real reason for seeing this movie is: Bill Paxton, Edward James Olmos, Fred Ward—together again. Convoluted plot about the two stars investigating each other, each suspecting the other of stealing money from the mob, or the Russian mafia, or the Yakuza—when in actuality they are unwittingly stealing money from either the CIA or the FBI, while Doris Day performs on the BBC. Matt Busby. Dig it, dig it, dig it.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013


John was alone these past seven weeks, his wife Betty gone to El Salvador with game-show host Bob Barker, he now had the heart of a killer, but thankfully the manners of a civilized man. In a seedy bar in a supposedly dangerous district on an early Friday night, John studies the jukebox while cops battle winos out front and inside opiates and cash are exchanged and everywhere a noise-- his songs having played John exits into the park, pretty pointless park, and eyes the bright lights of downtown. High on noise, John walks like a zombie toward the pretty lights. The sight of a bank of payphones wakes him to the fact that he could use some allies. After a number of calls he convinces comrade Paul to show up at some stupid disco-overdrive club in an hour. Receiver back in its cradle, stripped of his zombiehood, John stares at a blank wall while he searches his pockets. Finding some pills, he gratefully pops them and drifts toward the river, waiting for the buzz or whatever. Later at the disco, John drinks cocktails and stares around at the girls and their dresses until Paul is at his side, muttering who-knows-what, but John is glad for his company. Now it is late on a random Friday night and John is intent on finding a face, a voice, a dress like Betty's and this is hopeless he muddily reasons, she's in El Salvador and Ohio can't compete with that, so let's find a fresh-faced girl we can lead astray in a couple hours or-- or-- John is standing by the DJ's booth while a robotic sex song plays so loud-- John takes the live microphone and all of a sudden he's a 2002 Beatnik--
In a combat zone/Called "I'm-So-At-Home"/Line up for cheap rates on your very own grave!/ Pretty faces, pouty faces, worthless farces/Yet you pay and you pay/For the right to fall into this bed!/No, that bed!/This nightmare won't stop/So I guess I'll walk away
Then, shockingly, the frail-looking DJ throws an effective punch at John's jaw and the wasted young man collapses into Paul's arms. Later, driving north on the Interstate, Paul asks tentative questions about Betty which John answers. Paul announces that they are going to drive all night to Cleveland and John falls asleep happy and calm.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


Who will win, based on a compendium of online bookies, odds-makers, and trendsetters, and who SHOULD win, in an ideal world, based on capsule reviews first published in The Moss Problem but then removed because of “spoilers.” Spoiler alert!

Les Miserables
Odds: 12 – 1
This shameless crowd pleaser has very little chance seeing how the last time a musical won an Oscar was like… never. Though it’s not a musical in the strictest sense, since it’s actually a dramatic feature about a documentarian’s failed attempt to create a feature length non-fiction film about the making of a film based on the musical version of Victor Hugo’s classic story of lust, dentistry, and false accusation. Orson Welles did it much more simply, by merely reading in front of the camera, but alas his film has been lost. Director Tom Hooper has come a long way since his classic Texas Chainsaw films delighted children of all ages, but with a nearly four hour running time, one wonders if editing is the first thing to go as the mind atrophies with age. The casting of real-time porn superstar Huge Jackman in the lead is daring, if not misguided.

Django Unchained
Odds: 18 – 1
Quentin Tarantino’s “’Blaxploitation” approach to the historical drama is a breath of fresh air among this years mostly stuffy “big movies,” but Oscar has not been known to shine kindly on the “postmodern” approach and it isn’t likely to start this year. As a simple “western” the movie shines as a cross between High Plains Drifter and Blazing Saddles, but one wonders about the lack of historical accuracy in favor of an idyllic, harmonious depiction of what is generally thought to be a brutal period in this country’s history. Still, one can’t help enjoy QT’s trademark humor (men on horseback unwrapping their “Royale with Cheese,” KKK members cutting mouth holes for their Slurpee straws, and QT’s inevitable cameo: “Do you see a sign that says ‘Dead African-American Storage?’” —as offensive as it sometimes is.

Zero Dark Thirty
Odds: 12 -5
What we’ve seen this year is a trend of what once would be documentary films that take a dramatic approach so as not to be “ghettoized” in the overlooked documentary category, ZDT being basically the most audacious with its mix of lusciously filmed night-vision footage and grainy security camera spy video, hot-button subject matter, and nearly four hour running time. Still, director Kathryn Bigelow’s past snubs by Oscar make this a dark-horse long-shot in what is turning out to be “The Year of the Woman II.” The story of the intrigue and backstabbing behind the development of the eponymous energy drink has the stuff of John le Carre, though the misguided casting of Jessica Chastain in the lead nearly sinks this ship (despite the “sports-bra moment”) as she hasn’t quite made the transition from soccer star to leading man. 

Odds: Even
After pic's uphill battle of being confused with animated kids pic with same name, Ben Affleck’s mockumentary on the Iranian hostage crisis could pull off victory as Oscar wants to justify Himself for crowning a wet-behind-the-ears Affleck for Good Will Hunting—while snubbing him in director category this year. Going for Argo, also, is the 2 hour running time, meaning voters will have been able to see entire pic on NYC to LA flight, between meals. While the movie within a movie within a movie structure confused some, others delighted in the classic Hollywood approach to the basics, and the cruel yet hilarious ridicule of light-skinned, non-Jewish ethnic groups.

Odds: 8 -1
The title alone insists that pic is the last word on the subject despite the long-playing Hollywood franchise of our most celebrated President. The brilliant casting of Bruce McGill in the lead is a fine assault on the gold-standard version emblazoned by Hal Holbrook, but the nearly four hour running time and ticking-clock device in the attempt to dramatize the art of speech-writing, while leading up to the (spoiler alert!) Gettysburg Address may have tested the attention spans of voters. That and reports that Academy members have been rankled by assertions that Spielberg now has so many Oscars he fashioned one as a hood ornament for his Prius.

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Odds: 18 – 5
Low-budget Sundance pic fought an uphill battle after misconceptions that it was animated, but this quirky, Southern tale of the power of the magic of childhood certainly has struck a chord with voters who look at their own children and are able to remember the pain, confusion, magic, and misguided perceptions of their own childhood. Very little chance, however, that unpronounceable names will challenge those presenters tipsy at the podium, and that includes names of the director, screenwriter, lead actress, and much of the cast. Unconfirmed at press time is that the optimal running time may be compromised by opportunistic and misguided attempt to infuse Superstorm Sandy’s tragic devastation into the plotline.

Odds: 28 – 1
Undoubtedly the artiest of the nominated films, pic has not a snowball’s chance in LA for several reasons: it’s about old people, it’s about French people, the title is not in English, and its director, Michael Haneke is not allowed in North America due to his movie, Funny Games (1997), one of the rare films that is considered, itself, a crime (and in a bizarre twist was remade in 2007 by someone impersonating Haneke). Amour is also a horror movie, and the last time a horror movie won the Oscar was like… never. It’s edginess, and the controversy surrounding the director, increase the weight of the nine nominations, however—however, it’s a foreign language film and the Academy has a foreign language film ghetto for foreign language films.

Life of Pi
Odds: 7 – 1
BO stands for “box office” in Hollywood, unlike Peoria, and that counts for a lot when figuring the odds. Plus, having been snubbed by Oscar in the past, director Ang Lee has an inside track, though he might just be the kind of guy, like Scorsese, they continue to snub. The biggest things pic has going for it, CGI and 3-D, are also detrimental, as those features are unable to be exploited on a flight between NYC and LA. But is it live action or animation? Oscar voters are likely to be as confused by that issue as they are about pic's dream within a dream within a dream structure. Also, there are no movies stars within a thousand miles, except for the great Gerard Depardieu—who is like the final nail in the coffin.

Silver Linings Playbook
Odds: 2 – 1
Accolades abound for this delightful and offbeat romantic comedy about mental illness, violent jealous rage, sexual addiction, and sports betting, and the time might be right for director David O. Russell who was previously snubbed by Oscar for his undisputed masterpiece, I (heart) Huckabees. While the excessive attention to the particulars of pharmaceutical details will put voters on comfortable ground, the bizarre, existential ending—essentially a retelling of the “donut shop” scene in Buffalo 66 (and the donut shop scene in Boogie Nights)—is liable to leave them scratching their heads.

Saturday, December 1, 2012


by Darius Smith

Editor's Note:
This article was delivered to me by a bike messenger wearing a T-shirt with that Pynchon Trystero muted horn symbol on it (making me suspect he worked for some kind of post-post underground postage courier) as I made room for cream in my morning Venti brewed house roast at the Starbucks on Beverly and La Cienega. Handwritten with what seems to be a piece of coal on margins of discarded newspaper, I found it necessary to type it up myself — so Mr. Smith will forgive me if I have made any mistakes — and I withhold his usual fee. —Anthony Franciosa, 2012

Heather Prescott—true Queen of England and future Empress of New India. A full-kit rock'n'roll drummer and former L.A. studio whiz kid, she is now plotting her next move in New Zealand. Pay heed, kids.

What do I know about Tiffany Richardson? Well, she carries Flowers of Evil with her wherever she goes for the past three years (she is 22). Also, she is the premiere visual artist of the Western Hemisphere, and the finest performance artist worldwide. A quick example of her third towering ability, her sometimes kind, sometimes devastating wit: "We loved you until you were a success. When you were a has-been we loved you again (some of us) even more. When you died, when we played your songs, we died a little in a happy way and you were reborn, every time." Actually, I suppose this isn't "wit," only an excerpt from a paper (!) letter, including envelope and stamp.

Who is Monica Todd? She is a mystery girl, a Girl Scout, a Marine squad leader, librarian, and mad poet. Currently Secret Queen of America, in love with the modern world and at war with the modern world, Monica is a go-go Eighties Anti-Christ, and my favorite person who ever lived.

Sybilka "Eye-Witness" Storie is everywhere I look, as a model for a Supergirl comic book, her face on an acne treatment box for ten years, lately is seeing everything as for the first time, becoming alternately exuberant and deeply despondent all day every day—so she bought a camera so to have a little more control over what she sees for now—in the end she will control an entire Empire. If she even dared to learn guitar and voice she would soon command an Empire of Sight and Sound.

My Tonya Shelley:  Born a White Goddess in Central Africa, sometime suburban punk, sometime street punk, sometime gutter punk, Miss Shelley currently plays a feisty, aggressive, sometime drunk skate punk on a Russian comedy-drama called Every Young Superstar You Could Imagine. Of course they are all unknowns on the show, but yes, the actors all command a forceful style, especially Tonya, and it would be a crime against humanity if Miss Shelley doesn't become a worldwide star. Not that she really cares….

Here's all I know about Heather Dameron: she successfully revived The Popular Front in 2000 and now tens of millions of Americans are secret communists. They wait only for Miss Dameron's signal to crush the U.S. Government. It should take ten minutes. She said it's OK to admit that The Moss Problem is a key part of the Popular Front, all the better to admit it now when it comes across as just another joke. But, reader, realize this:  Heather Dameron is the only child of Miss January 1962. Her father is JFK. So there.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

There Was Never Just One

August 2012. A mysterious man walks into the town of Easthampton, which is today the site of thriving metropolis New York City as Los Angeles, moist and identified with modern-day Connecticut. The story is based on games and goals of Sandusky heaving chairs on the joggle beaches. In this recalling, starring Marlinspike Tuber, Lord Jeff, and Sangrias Monk Lyman, the blob line incident is experienced by a deadpan resurgence in 19th century boatmanship, whither in the land of Sou’wester Kola, visiting the freed body on the Beach Shoppe. Raves Sou’wester, the proprietor of the Olden Shoppe, is frosted while grilling seated Van Camp’s Pork and Beans. The sparrow cockroach and the heavy fishing line matador rig incidents that eel Sandwich experience resurge Rachel Weiszhip, thus. Churlishness aside, more often an expression of cocksmanship embayed while vacationing, the Prequel enforces aesthetic muumuu Molotov poop middeck in an ideological stew. Director Norton Cristo predecessors Bush empire yardage. Sparse sexy opal attraction Mattoon Laura Hook and the desire to have sex with fog in a Roger McCabe historical Greenleaf, the story is based on privileged classes heaving cockcrow Chairs on beaches. Gabriel also refers Weiss Beer dourness in the Gospel of South popup aphelia highlighted by a sexual attraction to vacationing Monkey’s Fist Sandwich toupees. The dead body on the beach eventually comes forth to best Mr. Keillor and the Hat. Churlishness aside, art, which is more often an expression of cog coma unship while vacationing, is in the enforced lows the and gentrification of Lapland after the invention of the kept man. The action opens during Penn State turf okra romance cushy ache on the jog clock ocher beaches. In this story, Oily miscues Reynolds led by deafen dCool who experienced a dead woodcock toady with his guide Ms. Hoe, and Shaft, entertained by making luff turkey and Swiss cheese sandwiches and covering them loin deep in a mixture of egg and milk before deep-frying them and thrusting them at Daniel Parma—the sidekick with a fondness for Quayside’s Pork and Beans. Lamprey eel Sandwich fantasia set in the “flip logos.” Mixed-gender urn mews and Bee genuflector with heaving croak and thrusting removable eel pestle of Grout humpies, and also removable and weapon ready codpiece. Hat Hess is in an ideological stew. Fang Rump Wonk’s artfully composed score evokes pre history moan, though sparse attraction of ‘76abilia masthead and the desire to have sex with members of the Hamptons Panini Club. Gabriel also refers to Gospel goof pep, highlighted by a sexual Sandwich Death Penalty, whither the dead booker art, in which pooh is more often an expression of cock while vacationing, as in the Prequel, and enforces the lows of man to man combat.