Thursday, June 28, 2018

Exclusive!! LeBron to Bucks!!

The Moss Problem and this sportswriter have obtained exclusive news that the Milwaukee Bucks are in smoke-filled room negations to sign LeBron James to a three-year contract of unprecedented proportions in order to bring new life and another NBA championship to the Brew City's only professional sports team. Sources could not be named at this time, in an effort to protect H. Houndstooth's continued access to information that could otherwise prove litigious for interested parties. Readers will be asked to accept this story on faith and check back frequently for more breaking details as they surface.

The details that are known: LeBron was reported to have visited the Buck's new half-billion dollar sports area, set to open for next year's season. James was impressed with the as yet unnamed arena in the heart of downtown Milwaukee, remarking that it reminded him of a “giant Arby's,” his favorite sandwich franchise as a youth in Akron, Ohio. Part of the negotiations could hinge on the arena being named either “LeBron Arena” or “Giant Arby's.”

Bucks general office has neither confirmed nor denied these rumors, but an exclusive interview with an unnamed franchise insider has reported plans to dump the contracts of the entire team, including all of the “slow, 7-footers with names no-one can pronounce” in an unprecedented move to re-build with a legitimate superstar and “a supporting cast who wants to be there,” and for whom winning is more important than salary. This potential restructuring, if it transpires, could send shockwaves through professional sports as far a future franchise building is concerned.

In other exclusive Bucks news, it has also been reported that both the front office and James are in negotiations with former NBA superstar and Milwaukee native, Latrell Sprewell as a candidate for player-coach, because as has been reported, Sprewell remarked, “I may be pushing 50 but I can still dunk over most of the pussies currently playing in the league.” James, it is reported, is pushing this deal, as he has admiration for both Sprewell's game and his history of direct player-coach relationships, as “no pussy-footing around.”

James and Sprewell, reported, also see eye-to-eye concerning matters of great consequence for the NBA going forward, including uniform standards, and both veterans consider themselves “old-school” and not fans of the new form-fitting, over the shoulder styles and long pants that may be be standard as soon as 2019. They also are against the use of NFL receiver styles “gloves” which are being introduced by Nike as soon as next season. When approached for comment about any of these rumors, James and Sprewell both declined to comment, but it is noted that in both cases, each of them replied with a double "thumbs up," and in the case of James, what sounded like, “Aaaaaaay.”

H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

The Byrds - Younger Than Yesterday

I have spent my life trying not to have to try to figure out The Byrds; it might have been different if I'd started way back, maybe not from the beginning, but maybe when this 1967 album came out, their fourth. I could have joined the cult, been indoctrinated, socialized, whatever. It's kind of like with any cult, if you're brainwashed from childhood, the belief is second nature, and of course even inescapable. But it you're not, none of it ever really makes sense. The Byrds have had so many members come and go over the years, they may as well be a group with a history like the Masons, and in fact, there could be arguments made that The Byrds and the Masons are one in the same. This brilliant, groundbreaking album comes off the tracks at the end of the “CTA - 102” when we hear the simultaneous forward and tape reversed voice of Satan (which sounds suspiciously like the garden gnome episode of “Night Gallery”)—and the album then starts traveling in reverse (the next song is “Renaissance Fair”).

I was finally coerced to approach this record by my ex-employer, Anthony Franciosa (not the actor, but the editor of The Moss Problem), and even though the compensation is minimal, Tony convinced me over breakfast at his regular hangout, Foxy's Restaurant, in Glendale (part of the greater Los Angeles). One of his arguments was that the song “Thoughts and Words” sounds exactly like a Bob Lind number (who I just wrote about) and then goes into a chorus that sounds exactly like someone else (on the tip of my tongue—I'll think of it and fill it in here later). Then it uses the backwards guitars, which never sounded good to me, but still, I like the idea. That technique is taken to an extreme with “Mind Gardens,” which is one of those hippie numbers that drugs (LSD?) allow the artist to dispense with harmony, melody, rhythm, structure, rhyme, story, or any narrative sense at all. Long live 1967! The funny thing is that I always thought the song was called “Mings Garden” and was about Moo Goo Gai Pan.

“My Back Pages” is another one of those Bob Dylan songs that is much better than he played it. And I'm not one of those Dylan haters, in fact I'm writing the first book ever about him, and he's sitting across the table from me right now, and I'm only interrupting our interview to write this quick review. What many people don't realize is that The Byrds were actually several groups at once, and one piece of evidence for that is the cover of this record, with images of them in the future, after having passed away, returning as ghosts. All dead before their time, they did return, were accused of inventing “country-rock”—but never convicted. Actually, I'm not sure if the back of this record, with a badly done collage of old band photos (or someone else's high school yearbook, perhaps), was actually like this (I wish I could include a picture—wait, maybe I can, here at The Moss Problem [This being a rock writing simulcast with DJ Farraginous]) (it looks like drawn on goatees, red lipstick, and bleeding tears) or if some punk kid altered it with marker. Because it may have been the inspiration for The Rolling Stones Some Girls—if the latter is not true.

The Byrds are and were Chris Hillman, David Crosby, Michael Clark, Gene Clark, Gene Clarke, Mitchel Clark, Gene Clarke, Michel Clarke, and identical twins Jim and Roger McGuinn. An earlier incantation of the band was known as the Yardbyrds, and here they've revived their hit, “Have You Seen Her Face.” The song “So You Want to be a Rock 'n' Roll Star,” so ingrained in the culture it won't come out even with Formula 409 at least satisfies the “song with 'rock'n'roll' in the title” requirement for consideration for inauguration into the Rock Hall o' Fame, in Cleveland, Ohio. Another odd fact is that the band's name upside down and backwards is “Spjh8.” Someone has released a record called “Older Than Tomorrow”—but it violated the conditions of its parole before it could drop. All other facets of this record and band, including the songs I haven't touched on, the concept, the attitude, and the execution, can only be described as seminal. If not kaleidoscopic.

Saturday, April 14, 2018



In this atheistic foxhole at the Siege of Babylon, of cigarette-machine revivalists, all over Home-Front Supertown----Dogfaces compare wrist-scars and arrest records while the world-champion worst-ever stand-up sit-down wake-up fall-asleep comic ever drowned at sea, devoured by sharks. Thank God.

Under surveillance for suspected crimes against humanity, I prance, flit, queen my way through deathcamp-sweet-deathcamp. Pop an escalator and we're all smiles for the executioner, pop a decelerator and look out world! We're avenging ageless all-agers striking hyper-dramatic freeze-tag-like, action-figure poses. Our battle-cry? Onward Unknown Soldiers!

A Mighty Fortress is Our Hysterical Wretch.

Friday, April 13, 2018


We were happy and we were sad. Now I'm an insane man writing in a coffee shop as if I was important, even this, it's not funny or insightful or even coherent. I want to have something to say, I want so bad to get something on paper, to feel justified finally, allowed to be happy and calm, but I am so scared of everything, especially this notebook. I've ripped out every marked page except the addresses of my friends and I've let down all of them. Maybe I could get started by writing a poem or story for each name.

Check it out, another ugly, awkward, useless idea from the workshop of Darius "At Least He Didn't Kill Himself Today" Smith! Heartsick, sad, stuck, and worthless, yes, but I'm happy. Not kidding.

Thursday, April 12, 2018


Who is this corporate Anti-Ray Speen? He is Roy Spoon (formerly Roy Spain)

To escape the stigma of Our Nameless Decades, Pantheon Books, on Jan. 1, 2020, will publish 40 books at once by Mystery Man Spoon ("'It' Boy of the Twenties," "Voice of Our Time," ) including novels, poetry, science fiction, Westerns, sex mysteries, essays, memoir, and prophecy. The publisher can expect to dominate all best sellers lists for a year at least and Spoon will soon be accepted as an immortal. He's a 27 year-old trans-man, from Kansas USA, no less! Expect a Nobel Prize for Spoon by age 50.

According to anonymous sources, "Roy Spoon" is not one man but instead an army of 100 English Majors creating Immortal Masterworks for a half-cent a word and no royalties or credit! My world and welcome to it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018


I need a haircut but I can't face a barber. My few obligations (psychiatrist, grocery store) loom so large in this eventless time. On the internet all day, reading Jack Kirby comic books, listening to TV noise, ignoring the phone, picturing my demise in a detached way, panicked, daydreaming about drugs. Various Eastern Front World War Two games set up, unplayed. Stark and shabby, this is the situation every day for six months now.

And this is no crisis, this doesn't matter at all, in fact this is a paradise and so completely supercool. Stop or start, always and never. Whatever.

Here comes nobody? Wrong. Here comes everybody.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018


Monday, April 9, 2018


His Dad fell asleep in the Garage with the Car running. Chicago on the 8-Track sang "Only the Beginning."

Let's make an Effort to transform this Ordinary Suicide into a Super-Start. For Somebody. 

The Bees died off Early that Year so Everyone in Town was super happy. Kids never came into Contact with Peanuts or Latex.

Shul Neighbor, Barber Shop Owner and Unofficial Town King ordered the Deaths of Three Jews. His Men searched but None were found matching the King's Description: Lamb's Wool for Hair, Giant Bird Beak for Nose, and Lengthy Fangs coated in Christian Blood.

To calm their Angry God, the Town King ordered that an Ancient Acid Rock 10-Minute Guitar Solo be played at Deafening Volume, a Continuous Tape Loop for the Entire Winter.

The Nearby Lost Tribe of Israel found Shul Neighbor to be the Very Soul of High Hilarity.

Saturday, April 7, 2018


>>>   Ethan waited for Calvin at the Certified Station. The sun
>>>slowly sank in the west, a wino begged for change, and little kids
>>>were everywhere you looked. The bank clock read "8:01/85*F" when
>>>Cal ambled into sight, a smile, a wave, a 40 oz. beer bottle
>>>raised over his head. "I guess this means we drink tonight,"
>>>thought Ethan as he entered the gas station mini-mart to buy two
>>>more forties.
>>>   "Ethan, you goddam Dutchman! How wonderful that we pointless
>>>young men are walking pointless drunk to a pointless rock show."
>>>The alcohol was making Cal philosophical already. Ethan decided to
>>>join in the spirit though he wouldn't be drunk for awhile. "Yes,
>>>Cal, irrelevance is a sweet thing. If the rock music moves us,
>>>fine, if it's all wrong, fine, I mean, if a beautiful girl falls
>>>in love with me tonight we're all going to die just the same."
>>>   Ethan took a long pull, finishing off his bottle outside the
>>>last liquor store before the night club. Calvin went
>>>inside while Ethan was finally buzzing out front, obscurely
>>>inspired and moved by a teenaged gangster, a derelict, an old guy.
>>>"Because really we're pussies in the end," Cal said as explanation
>>>for the fifth of peppermint schnapps. They drank it off fast in the
>>>   It was pretty dark out when they entered the Chuckle Club and
>>>even darker inside. Ethan stared at a girl and she stared back.
>>>   Forty years later, Calvin recited the lyrics to "Wild Thing" at the
>>>side of Ethan's open grave.

Friday, April 6, 2018


Century 22 Reality, Worthlessville, Ohio.
Out Sporty Spice says, "I wonder if you'll ever know what I'm sure I'll never know, namely thrill-killing (we reserve all rights to attempted murder for her beloved Cincinnati Police Division,) snuff film enthusiasm (I have starred in way too many 'Real Live Murder' films to consider them anything other than a headache and a paycheck,) and lastly, I do not get high off of AIDS or genital warts or whatever you freaks are into today. "

Let Sporty Spice Kill at Will (You Can Trust Her! Really!) or Let Sporty Spice Be Disappeared! Re-Appeared! Our Ghost Queen! Hurrah for Something, Somehow! As Ever.
----Directive One, Shock Squad Sporty Spice Ohio, Winter 2017-18 USA.

Saturday, March 31, 2018


The TV stations stop broadcasting, the radio stations sign off, the police force resigns and the fire department doesn't respond to alarms. The electric utilities and the phone companies give up, all banks fail, all grocery stores declare bankruptcy. Teenagers systematically lay torches to the subdivisions, door-to-door salesman take up serial murder, and you're making love to your boss in a fast-food toilet stall. You're finally happy. The Best Page in the Universe!

Friday, March 30, 2018


This is an account of Our Waking National Nightmare, the Police Officer War on Every American Civilian----Cops come off as a Pointless Crowd of Super-Cowards, just Random Jittery Dullards drunk with Lust for Continuous Thrill-Killing and worse. DEATH BY OFFICER is the first worthwhile Snuff Film ever made. Remind me again why we don't yet live in a world where Millions of Dead Cops are a happy fact? These monsters WILL be disappeared and SOON. Don't forget----Every Cop is a Child-Rapist Faggot* and Concentration Camps for Cops are Too Kind. Or will You Death-Trippers put bullets in your own skulls, whatevs, dunno, don't care either way. Ciao! So! Fade away, Faggot*. Apocalypse LOL for YOU...Your Future: a Ditch or a Cross, choose Your Monument, pray and walk away or be slain en masse, Sinners in the Hands of Some Mystery Monster worse a million times than Our Absent God, get used to the fact that You Cops will be erased from History, a Mass Partial-Birth Abortion, fast-forgotten and surviving only as cuss words. Worthless, You fade out. We Will Win. Murder Will Out. You, Cop, a Garbage Truck on Fire falling for miles, this is Your Profession: pointless, worthless, murderous, and comical. We are done with You. Get lost and stay lost, You Sick, Sad Phonies. Worse than a Diseased Jellyfish. NO ONE will miss You and worse, NO ONE will remember Your Names. Too bad, Little Cop, 'cause it's all over for You, Ha Ha Ha.

*"Faggot" is unfortunately the only accurate word for these Sick Killers.

Review of DEATH BY OFFICER: A valuable compilation of POLICE shootings video, sure, but otherwise this is a terribly-made movie, indifferently constructed, and I am only supporting it for the six million views, as a gateway to surely far better Murdering-COP Videos. As far as I can tell, this video is the King of the ANTI-COP Features, and the violence was bad enough here that I couldn't stand to watch any! The United States could easily stand to return to Marshalls and less-murderous rotating volunteer patrollers. And level the prisons, please demolish the jails; the impossible people, murderers and rapists can be exiled.

COPS inspire the worst in society and individuals. Invented in London, 1829, COPS are a horrifying failure, a true disaster of a social experiment. Abolish all POLICE and COUNTY SHERIFF Depts. We will all be far happier without these Worthless Killers around anymore, I swear. NO KKK, NO POLICE STATE USA. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? YOU SAY, "OK!"

Saturday, March 24, 2018


Less than two seconds of "Taps" hummed, now Esther smiled, then laughed at the July Kansas Dusk only because she was senseless. The end of the day was always and ever a fantastic event for her, tho'. Esther Lustig, singer of a mildly acclaimed "Worthlessville, Ohio" pop combo, the super-phenomenal American Movie Star, as seen in the pages of all the supercool punk rock fanzines. FLIPSIDE raved, "Baffling and not entirely worthless." And the Cincinnati Scene Report in MAXIMUM ROCKNROLL gushed, "Stereotypical girl bass player and stereotypical girl singer combined at last! And O! The Anguish!"

Esther stood at the stage door smoking a Kool King, pacing up front now to see the crowd, half Lawrence College Kids, some men with makeup and women in scattered fancy weird outfits, a few gothic types moping about. The rest were all punks, punk rockers, hardcore kids, skaters, and cross-dressers. Then, Shock! Esther was outside now and from the loading dock she sees a boy who keeps shooting darting looks her way. He's cute enough. Oh, well. Whatever.

At Eleven-ish the 3-piece played "Kick Out the Jams." Neat. Then, like a bolt from Sky Pilot, "Lusty" Essie launched into her rant: "Rock is NOT dead. No, Rock never existed at all! I'm sorry, A Sick Version of Rock DOES exist. Yes! Call it CORPORATE ROCK,  it is all around us, in us, of us. Fuck-Up Rock Rules, tho'. And fuck this next song. It's called, 'Mona Lisa Overdrive Theme.' Everyone of you..."guys" is a waste case! Have fun, I guess.  NOW!" Bass, Voice, Drum, Guitar commence to play and once again American Movie Star, as ever, prove they remain the greatest band there ever was.

After the show, the Cute Boy approaches Esther, she likes his looks  OK and within 20 minutes they find a  cot in the club storeroom, they go to town, fucking, sucking, even love-like kisses are given and accepted. Cute Boy sported a condom, no one had a cold sore, so it could've been worse. Superfine.

Six, Dawn, Boy long gone back to his Legendary Skater House,  Esther Lustig waits with her cohorts on a 24-hr. mechanic replacing spark plugs or something in their incredible Mystery Machine replica van. And finally on the road to Sioux Falls at 9 a.m.

Esther sings "The Happiest Girl in the Whole USA" loud and somehow it's true. She is happy. Call out the National Guard.

Sunday, March 18, 2018


The sun goes down and I hit the ground and I'm almost happy that's the way I want to be. At 4 a.m. I stood in front of the Coke Machine Now and at the Hour of Our Death. It snowed from two to four then rained from four to six. I laid awake stunned to discover that Catwoman might be the best movie I've ever seen. Witnessed Cincinnati Police Division commit murders to the Harper's Bizarre version of "Feelin' Groovy." Rumored soundtrack to tonight's "Unsolved Homicides" is "Red Rubber Ball" by the Cyrkle. An Ordinary Late Winter Morning in A Worthless Ohio Town.

Monday, January 1, 2018


Sue stood under the marquee of the Plush Pussy while sleet screamed down on Super Street. She scanned the poster case: SEE NIPPLES OR DIE was the feelie now playing, a ten-minute loop of "Unknown Dee-Lites" accompanied by the new, secret hallucinogenic vapor pumped into the auditorium. She was not a feelie freak. No. Sue was an Abortionist.

Sleet slowing, Sue walked on, the only pedestrian on the street at 8 p.m. The broken moving sidewalks were endless trip-hazards, walking was "out". Everything was "out" except gazing, watching, and staring. Books had faded out fifty years ago. Now people made a body "do the do" and not much else. A See 'n' Say planet.

There's no story to tell here, this is nothing. Carolyn Sue is the last cool person on Earth and Normies want abortions and Sue is the only non-murdering provider in a city of 100 million. Nice.

Monday, December 25, 2017


Imagine a friend from the Federal Reserve walking through our distressed neighborhoods with all kinds of cash and gold instead of all these penniless priests! Let's find a parking lot where we can erect a field of crosses for these frauds, I mean, really, man! If you can't reply to Our Sporty Spice first of all I feel sorry for you and after that...there's a keyboard right in front of you, a machine, less than any real effort, I mean what's wrong? Do you have cancer? AIDS? Or if you had the fatal illness would you be more likely to make the effort? What is wrong with you? Tell me quick...! All right, girls and boy well-wishers, how about some entertainment?

I don't care about your warnings, this is real-- Yeah, she's fourteen,  I'm aware of that fact, fine, fine-- Yeah, this hallucinogen is super-dangerous, I won't forget-- Yeah, we'll all be killed for certain if we try, I'll remember-- Understand, please, this is not for suicide, this is a real attempt to improve the quality of our lives, that's all. Have you never really heard of Risk? Sporty Spice is about to murder you, no, really, I am Sporty Spice and I am going to kill you in five seconds.

Yeah, that's me, Sporty Spice in that commercial, on the cover of all kinds of magazines, and the featured player in ten thousand snuff films. My other name is YOUR GIRLFRIEND. So, you're either with Sporty Spice or you probably never really existed at all.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

BFR College Football National Champions: UCF Knights!

This week's BFR – final edition: Broadcast Football Rankings – December 5, 2017

1. UCF Knights
2. Clemson Tigers
3. Oklahoma Sooners
4. Georgia Bulldogs
5. Ohio State Buckeyes
6. Wisconsin Badgers
7. Auburn Tigers
8. Alabama Crimson Tide
9. Southern California Trojans
10. TCU Horned Frogs
11. Miami Hurricanes
12. Penn State Nittany Lions
13. Washington Huskies
14. Stanford Cardinal
15. Memphis Tigers
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Oklahoma State Cowboys
18. Boise State Broncos
19. Michigan State Spartans
20. Virginia Tech Hokies
21. LSU Tigers
22. Northwestern Wildcats
23. South Florida Bulls
24. Washington State Cougars
25. Michigan Wolverines

The bogus college football playoff selection committee was able to come up with the final rankings, playoff selections, and bowl selections mere hours after the last game was played, which doesn't allow much time for deliberation – but was necessary so they could have their Sunday extravaganza on ESPN. Our guess is that the most important considerations involved some briefcases full of cash and a lot of influence by ESPN and their advertisers, as all but about 5 minor bowl games are on ESPN. Eventually they will figure out how to reduce the whole thing to a gigantic Las Vegas video game, so there will be no human element or actual chance involved at all. You have to ask yourself why human beings want to become robots with no free will; a lot of handwringing has been done about artificial intelligence lately—computers taking on the qualities of humans, but no once seems to be worried that humans are losing any ability to deal with or willingness to accept any scenario that is not according to script.

As sad as the college football playoff system has turned out to be, this year had some pretty clear-cut top teams, but the real baffling inclusion was that of Alabama. Since schedules are determined years in advance (something else that would do well to change) it is not entirely Alabama's fault that their schedule was so weak this year; who would have guessed that teams like Florida State, LSU, Tennessee, Mississippi, Mississippi State, Arkansas, and Texas A&M would have become so weak? Of course, scheduling teams like Mercer, that could be something they improve in the future. Regardless, they were able to dominate weak teams all year, but other than that, just why is it that there is a consensus that Alabama is just better than everyone else on every level, even plagued with injuries this year (again, unfortunate and not their fault). I have always loved Alabama football tradition, but I loved them more when they were fun to watch, and not a product of the tight-ass, crybaby conservatism of Nick Saban. My theory on why Alabama was slipped into the fourth playoff spot was that whoever is in charge didn't want to hear him whine, and it's likely he even threatened to retire, and no one wants that, not even me. Anyway, the point is, if you happen to be someone shelling out a lot of money for cable TV, where is that money going?—and as you watch the endless commercials during these games, where is that money going?—and when you see the well-dressed football teams, wearing gloves—essentially advertisements for sports apparel companies—that actually hinder their performance—where is all that money going? Corruption is a word that does not begin to suffice.

On a happier note, congratulations to The University of Central Florida Knights—the BFR 2017 National Champions. Their last two games (against South Florida and Memphis) were the two most exciting games of the entire season. Two years ago the Knights went 0-12, and this year, undefeated. It is really unfortunate that the biased, greedhead collage football ranking know-it-alls are unable to even consider that a team not from one of the big money conferences could actually be competitive, much less on the top of the college football world—they act like the divide between the SEC and the AAC is similar to the divide between college and the NFL. This makes no sense, and it's not like there are not always some really poorly performing teams in the “power conferences.” One of the more disappointing things about this mentality is how coaches will jump from these “lesser” programs to an “elite” program, which constantly puts the schools that don't have deep pockets at a disadvantage. I could go on and on, of course, but a rule of mine is I cannot stay on my soapbox longer than I am able to stand on one leg—and I'm about to collapse. So another heartfelt cheer for the UCF Knights, who, to those who were paying attention, showed the college football world how it's done, and how this sport can be filled with excitement, passion, and joy. --H. Houndstooth.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.28.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 28, 2017

1. Wisconsin Badgers
2. UCF Knights
3. Clemson Tigers
4. Oklahoma Sooners
5. Auburn Tigers
6. Georgia Bulldogs
7. Alabama Crimson Tide
8. Miami Hurricanes
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. TCU Horned Frogs
11. Memphis Tigers
12. Penn State Nittany Lions
13. Stanford Cardinal
14. Southern California Trojans
15. Washington Huskies
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Oklahoma State Cowboys
18. Michigan State Spartans
19. Virginia Tech Hokies
20. LSU Tigers
21. Northwestern Wildcats
22. South Florida Bulls
23. Michigan Wolverines
24. Washington State Cougars
25. Boise State Broncos

Only a handful of games left this weekend before the BFR determines the BFR National Champion and Top 25, but it's still totally up in the air, so that's kind of exciting! The Collage Football Playoffs has become a fiasco and has to change. It is our opinion that were better off with smaller conferences and no conference championship games, and the traditional bowl games (broadcast on TV) at the end of the season, after which different entities crowned their national champion. Of course, there is always a lot of disagreement. I hate to break the news here, but there's always going to be a lot of disagreement anyway. But for some reason it's important for sports-fan morons to have an “undisputed” champion, so how about this system? Go back to the traditional bowl games (I mean, bowl games that don't double as playoff games) after which a/“The” committee can pick the top 32 teams to enter in a football tournament starting in January. Each of these match-ups will be best of seven, in order to have a more fair determination of the “better team.” We should, if spaced properly, be able to determine the national champion by the end of the school year. Players can then enter the NFL draft or take a much needed summer off to recuperate. --H. Houndstooth.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

DRINKING THE KOOL-AID by Cleophus Beasley

Jim Jones Party
Current mood: chipper
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Several friends of mine and I actually did this in the early Summer 1991...

Items needed fer a Jim Jones Party:

1. Several packets of grape Kool-Aid
2. Water soluble benzodiazapine tranquilizers (We used Ativan), crushed
3. Sugar
4. Punchbowl
5. Dixie Cups
6. Ladle (Optional)
7. One copy of "Guyana Tragedy" (Ours was a VHS tape)
8. Space on the floor to lay down on
9. TV
10. VCR (To play the video)

On a kitchen counter, in a punchbowl, combine all of the grape Kool-Aid mix with sugar (To taste), crushed up Ativans, and the appropriate amount of water. Stir. Arrange the Dixie Cups on the kitchen counter in neat rows. Pour the Kool-Aid into the Dixie Cups, using the ladle, until gone. Fast forward the movie towards the end, to the mass suicide part, then hit "play". Have guests drink the Kool-Aid while watching the movie. Once the Kool-Aid kicks in, enthusiastically urge party patrons to lay down on the floor. Fer added shock effect, arrange fer other people to come over to the party later, after everyone is passed out on the floor, to make the "discovery"!

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.21.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 21, 2017

1. Miami Hurricanes
2. Wisconsin Badgers
3. Alabama Crimson Tide
4. UCF Knights
5. Clemson Tigers
6. Oklahoma Sooners
7. Auburn Tigers
8. Georgia Bulldogs
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
11. TCU Horned Frogs
12. Southern California Trojans
13. Memphis Tigers
14. Penn State Nittany Lions
15. South Florida Bulls
16. Mississippi State Bulldogs
17. Stanford Cardinal
18. Washington Huskies
19. Washington State Cougars
20. Michigan State Spartans
21. Oklahoma State Cowboys
22. Boise State Broncos
23. Michigan Wolverines
24. LSU Tigers
25. Virginia Tech Hokies

Only two weeks left in the college football season and until the crowning of the National Champion by the BFR. For most teams, who will not be playing in their conference championship games, this coming weekend is the last, so everyone make the most of it! Sad but true, it's almost over. At least college football is still alive, but just barely. With the mainstream media's constant obsession with the bogus college football playoffs and the ESPN Bowl Series, you would think the season hasn't even started. With the media's connection to and focus on sports gambling, you'd think the most important outcome is how much money you will win or lose with your bookie. Vegas, pay-cable broadcasting, and the obsession with “playoffs,” trophies, and awards, have already killed pro football and basketball (I'd say baseball, too, but at least the World Series is still on TV), as well as the NCAA basketball tournament (or at least nearly ruined it), and even tennis (now ESPN only) and NASCAR (about half on cable). That leaves us golf, and the collage football regular season, but what will the future hold, in the hands of these greedy bastards? Enough of my hot air, now, and hopefully the last two weeks will be exciting! --H. Houndstooth 

Thursday, November 16, 2017


I could never be a modern gal. The only useful context I have is pre-modern or mythical. My inundated notion of the Modernists, though always charming in the conception of their novelty, is one of a linear self-narrative which begins at their end. A novel in which the end is known and the events are divulged incrementally, not lavishly, in contrived retrospect----leading of course to the conclusion of the subject.

I am a lover of science----as it organizes the gathered information of our context. As an etiology of life it leaves me cold and shivering in the darkness. The three year old can see and feel Helios' Steed running across the sky, while any modern explanation----of measurements, of time, of endings----seems absurd. The theme of my life is ancient, the stuff of whims and accidents and misunderstandings where everything changes in a moment--joy or agony beyond understanding, yet so known, familiar, and eternal. Modernity is a Sergeant who has not earned his stripes, but exercises his authority with contrived authenticity. (I think you have earned your stripes.)

Pointless----of course! Purposeful and impossible----not sure. Fun/Horrifying--are these the same thing?


Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.14.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 14, 2017

1. Miami Hurricanes
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Wisconsin Badgers
4. Clemson Tigers
5. Oklahoma Sooners
6. Auburn Tigers
7. UCF Knights
8. Georgia Bulldogs
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
11. Southern California Trojans
12. TCU Horned Frogs
13. Oklahoma State Cowboys
14. Penn State Nittany Lions
15. Mississippi State Bulldogs
16. Memphis Tigers
17. Washington State Cougars
18. Michigan Wolverines
19. South Florida Bulls
20. Washington Huskies
21. North Carolina State Wolfpack
22. Virginia Tech Hokies
23. West Virginia Mountaineers
24. Michigan State Spartans
25. Stanford Cardinal

The college football season started off with hurricanes postponing and cancelling games and it has ended with the Hurricanes on top. But wait, there are still three weeks left before we crown a National Champion, and anything can happen. Many teams have only two games left, so it's time to make the most of it. Then a few will play in conference championships and have the opportunity to either pull themselves up or fail miserably. Predictions for this week: Mercer pulls off the upset of the year at Alabama. Miami and Wisconsin finally lose a game, and Georgia, Notre Dame, and Washington all continue their late season collapses. UCF moves to the top of the rankings. Nick Saban continues to whine. --H. Houndstooth.

Saturday, November 11, 2017


I'm more social nowadays. I go out for drinks or lunch w/a group of people and usually come home feeling vaguely dissatisfied w/my presentation of self. I think I still play so many games, cryptic and enigmatic, then didactic and proclaiming, dismissing other people's opinions, acting like I have the last word on things...but in the moment I am at ease, I don't become self-conscious til I analyze the evening retrospectively. I think that's ok in a way; if you're going to be brusque and provocative and center-staging it seems better to do it w/bravado and save the self-recriminations for later. I guess the bottom line is I'm not only still not letting people "see" me, I'm getting to enjoy it and going out of my way to dramatize my mystique. I've got like 10 wigs in various styles and colors, my wardrobe is more indescribable than ever...I'm not sure what all the fuss is about regarding the public image, but I know it is more polished and deliberate than ever. Which befits a woman of my age, but still there's something lost along the way.

I still have times where I am the only one in a crowd who acts, as you once so aptly put it, "as if a bomb just went off."

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.7.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 7, 2017

1. Georgia Bulldogs
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
4. Wisconsin Badgers
5. Miami Hurricanes
6. Clemson Tigers
7. Oklahoma Sooners
8. TCU Horned Frogs
9. UCF Knights
10. Washington Huskies
11. Memphis Tigers
12. Southern California Trojans
13. Auburn Tigers
14. Washington State Cougars
15. Ohio State Buckeyes
16. Penn State Nittany Lions
17. Virginia Tech Hokies
18. Oklahoma State Cowboys
19. Michigan State Spartans
20. South Florida Bulls
21. Michigan Wolverines
22. Mississippi State Bulldogs
23. North Carolina State Wolfpack
24. Iowa Hawkeyes
25. West Virginia Mountaineers

With only three weeks left in the regular season, the college football Broadcast Football Rankings are pretty much locked—time to name a National Champion (Alabama—so we won't have to listen to Nick Saban whine) and a Heisman Trophy winner (Baker Mayfield—because he is a duel sports guy (NASCAR)). Time to say goodbye to college football for the year and move on to ice hockey. You know I'm kidding, right? --H. Houndstooth

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


John was alone these past seven weeks, his wife Betty gone to El Salvador with game-show host Bob Barker. He now had the heart of a killer, but thankfully the manners of a civilized man.

In a seedy bar in a supposedly dangerous district on an early Friday night, John studies the jukebox while cops battle winos out front and inside opiates and cash are exchanged and everywhere a noise---his songs having played John exits into the park, pretty pointless park, and eyes the bright lights of downtown. High on noise, John walks like a zombie toward the pretty lights

The sight of a bank of payphones wakes him to the fact that he could use allies. After a number of calls he convinces comrade Paul to show up at some stupid disco-overdrive club in an hour. Receiver back in its cradle, stripped of his zombiehood, John stares at a blank wall while he searches his pockets. Finding some pills, he gratefully pops them and drifts toward the river, waiting for the buzz or whatever.

Later at the disco, John drinks cocktails and stares around at the girls and their dresses until Paul is at his side, muttering who-knows-what, but John is glad for his company.

Now it is late on a random Friday night and John is intent on finding a face, a voice, a dress like Betty's and this is hopeless, he muddily reasons, she's in El Salvador and Ohio can't compete with that, so let's find a fresh-faced girl we can lead astray in a couple hours or--- or--- John is standing by the DJ's booth while a robotic sex song plays so loud---John takes the live microphone and all of a sudden he's a 2002 Beatnik---
In a combat zone/Called "I'm-So-At-Home"/Line up for cheap rates on your very own grave!/Pretty faces, pouty faces, worthless farces/Yet you pay and you pay/For the right to fall into this bed!/No, that bed!/This nightmare won't stop/So I guess I'll walk away
Then, shockingly, the frail-looking DJ throws an effective punch at John's jaw and the wasted young man collapses into Paul's arms. Later, driving north on the Interstate, Paul asks tentative questions about Betty which John answers. Paul announces that they are going to drive all night to Cleveland and John falls asleep happy and calm.