TOWERING MONUMENTAL VERSE

> >>1AUG2003
> >>FOR NO GIRL
> >>Having a wild weekend?
> >>Call me collect!
> >>I'm so there!
> >>In a dust-choked lung-like place and day
> >>We had time.
> >>We were wasted.
> >>The Killing Times.
> >>I check my "e"
> >>Ten years later.
> >>One word from yourself:
> >>"Timeless."
> >>I'm not so sure of that, babe.
> >>"Time-ridden" more like, or "Neverness."
> >>
> >>My actual rejoinder:
> >>"Give the 'e' a rest. Buy a stamp."
> >>That was ten years ago.
> >>Signed, Your Time-Wracked Chronologer.
> >>Ha. Heck. Ha.
> >>
> >>10AUG2003
> >>A BARRAGE OF KINDNESS
> >>How UNSTOPPABLE would UNITED STATES be if the ANSWER was ALWAYS YES?
> >>Need CRACK COCAINE? "Here YOU go! GOVERNMENT-INSPECTED and SUBSIDIZED!"
> >>"I don't have any MONEY. I don't want to WORK."
> >>"Here's a ROOM! Here's your FOODSTAMPS! Here's your MAD MONEY!
> >>And incidentally, your REFUSING WORK
> >>Just CREATED a NEW GOVERNMENT JOB!
> >>THANK YOU for being YOU,
> >>MISTER OR MIZ JOHN/JANE DOE!"
> >>And on. Yes. And on.
>

CIGARETTE FRIEND

It's Your Cigarette Friend in the Park at the Overlook on A Perfect Summer Day. The FedEx men play Chess while I roll Top Cigarettes at the American Expeditionary Force Monument. Babies suckle at the Teats of A Wolf across the Toy Boat Pond. I spy A Mighty River, A Cloudless Sky, A Giant Greenhouse, and A Notebook. I hesitate. I write This Paragraph.

The Big One

Review: New Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box

When I was a little kid I used to regularly have dreams about nuclear war, standing in the street in front of my house, looking up at the sky which had turned green. All is silent. There is no violence, no explosions, and no one is moaning or crying, and everyone is resigned to the fact that we'll all be dead soon. I wonder what kids have nightmares about now? Maybe asking their phone a question and their phone getting inappropriately intimate.

The New Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box, originally marketed as the Amazing Death Row Last Meal Box, costs $19.99 and you don't have to be a math genius to realize that either it's subsidized with a federal death and destruction grant, or else Pizza Hut is making an aggressive play for the entire fast food empire market with one grand gesture.

"The Box" includes: not one but TWO pizzas, for those times when you finish a pizza and think, "That was good. I sure wish I had... more pizza." But wait... there are also EIGHT wings, which means the wings of four chickens. And just in case you're not full yet, there are half a dozen bread sticks! Because you need vegetables, also included is some spicy tomato sauce in which you can dip your bread sticks, your wings, and your pizza, if you feel like it. For breakfast there are six Norwegian rolled up pancakes dusted with powdered sugar and drowning in maple flavored syrup. Four rolled up Denver omelets completes the most important meal of the day. Wash it all down with a box of Starbucks White Chocolate Mousse Mocha. By now it's almost noon so you can break out the box of Sunny D-lite which can be mixed on the premises with a smaller box of Skol Vodka. And don't forget dessert: your choice of rolled up German chocolate cake, chocolate suicide cake, or New York Amaretto cheesecake. Or choose all three, if that's your choice! And as a concession to health, a half liter box of heart-healthy red wine. No meal would be complete without an after-dinner cigarette... chose from Marlboro, Winston, or Newport. And just to be safe, find a small box of Redbull and a packet of morning after pills. Rest on a foldout cot for two (or one large person) with a space blanket and nite toy and start the next morning with half a dozen mini Krispy Kreme microwave donuts.

Shoot... a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

SS IS YOUR ONLY FRIEND!

I know it's not wrong that she only feels comfortable when everything--everything--is wrecked, but see, you see, Our Sporty Spice is pretty hacking vulnerable tonight. Yes, she's even asking God why He has to be this way, and yes, she knows the answer already, the only answer even possible: the Usual Nothing. She asks anyway, maybe pretends that she has at last got the attention of Someone who never paid attention to Us before ("God in Three Persons, trapped!" she might exclaim, only if.)

Now, in a backwater, from the furthest reaches, way outside, out of East of Nowhere, here comes this Umpteenth Anti-Christ, and now here's Sporty the whole time saying, "Look! Look! Wake up!" or whatever, and most fux pay no attention, so in the New Now, it's left to Our Sporty Spice, she saves Western Civilization (which she worse than despises) again, and Now, most likely, she's horribly damaged in the effort, and sadly, postwar, these specific symptoms, her Fuckin' War Injuries soon become The World-Wide New Emblems of Occidental Female Sexuality.

Sporty sells this to YOU for decades and now--Look around--Now she's taken over almost all of the Old Stupid Earth. For now, for always, forever...The Fall of the West...this is...finally...at last...truly...Sporty Spice World!

Get bent, ya Flowerpots!

THE DESTRUCTION OF ARMY GROUP CENTER

I'm more social nowadays. I go out for drinks or lunch w/a group of people and usually come home feeling vaguely dissatisfied w/my presentation of self. I think I still play so many games, cryptic and enigmatic, then didactic and proclaiming, dismissing other people's opinions, acting like I have the last word on things...but in the moment I am at ease, I don't become self-conscious til I analyze the evening retrospectively. I think that's ok in a way; if you're going to be brusque and provocative and center-staging it seems better to do it w/bravado and save the self-recriminations for later. I guess the bottom line is I'm not only still not letting people "see" me, I'm getting to enjoy it and going out of my way to dramatize my mystique. I've got like 10 wigs in various styles and colors, my wardrobe is more indescribable than ever...I'm not sure what all the fuss is about regarding the public image, but I know it is more polished and deliberate than ever. Which befits a woman of my age, but still there's something lost along the way.

I still have times where I am the only one in a crowd who acts, as you once so aptly put it, "as if a bomb just went off."

Beware The Lake

In the Autumn of 1790, a mysterious man walked into town of Eas’hamton, Connecticut which is today the site of thriving metropolis Merritt-On-The-Bay. The action opens during New York City annexation of the continent known as Los Angeles, moist and identified with modern-day Connecticut. The story is based on Southfork romance games and goals of the privileged class and the Sou’wester folk heaving chairs and dead bodies on the joggle beaches. In this new series of Paul’s stories recalling Vacationing 1:16, Reynolds led the defense called Lamprey eel Luff, starring Marlinspike Tuberville, Lord Jeff, Sangrias Monkey’s Fist, fishing line incidents that are heaving Hamptons Lamprey eel Sandwich experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Sou’wester Kola Tabernacle with his guide Ms. Hoe, and Shaft, entertained by making luff, turkey and Swiss cheese sandwiches and covering them in a mixture of egg and milk before deep-frying them and thrusting them at Daniel Parmazoetta as “Sou’wester” —the sidekick with a fondness for Quayside’s Pork and Beans.

Roll playing Music by Southfork accompanies the Lamprey eel Sandwich fantasia set in the “flip logos.” Mixed-gender tournaments are recommonplace in the lower levels, visiting the freed body on the beach Shoppe can reward the genuflector with heaving cro’jack and thrusting removable vacationing plates as they are was placed above the Lamprey eel pintle of Grohthmuwrn, and also removable and weapon ready codpiece.

Season Two, which precedes the Season One, enters the realm of Luff and the vacationing of the dead people. Ravis Sou’wester, the proprietor of the Olden Shoppe, is frosted while grilling seated Van Camp’s Pork and Beans. The spadroon and the heavy fishing line macaroni rig incidents that are heaving Hamptons Lamprey eel Sandwich experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Sou’wester Kola with his guide Southfork the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is Vang more often an expression of cocksmanship embayed while vacationing, is in the Prequel and enforces vacationing as aesthetic Molotov poopdeck in an ideological stew. Fhngrumphwon’s are mainly composed of fishing line folklore and literary dead body on the beach.

Director Sou’wester Jackson and a crew of Anglican bustier hoists debated and disputed by Hamptons modern vacationing as the prehistory Montfe Cristo Sandwich predecessors of the Bush empire fardage. Sparse sexual attraction of Lumber Hooker memorabilia including Lamprey eel masthead and the desire to have sex with members, fog the Hamptons Pan Club in a Roger McCabe historical background.

Three: Grefenland. The story is based on Southfork romance games and goals of the privileged class and Cunningham the Sou’westerfolk heaving chairs dead bodies on the beaches. In this knew series of Paul’s stories recalling Vacationing 1:16, Reynolds led the defense Fishing lineage Gabriel also refers to this Sou’wester in the Gospel of Southfork Homopuppetphilia highlighted by a sexual attraction to vacationing Monkey’s Fist Sandwich tofupees. The dead body on the beach eventually come forth to best Mr. Keilor and the Hat. Heaving "sexcapades" with “music” by Sting fondly experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Sou’wester Kola with his guide Southfork the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is more often an expression of cocksmanship while vacationing, is in the Prequel and enforces lows the crash of the Hamptons and the gentrification of Lapland after the invention the kept man.

30 Under 30

The Moss Problem's annual list of The Best and Brightest:

Levitica Brant - Video
Barry Greenorth - Painting
Georgia Labourt - Philosophy/Sociology
Lava Louaurt - Digital Media
Trooper Ravanto - Culinary Arts
Kobe Kramer - Virtual Architecture
Denny Livinthrak - Environmental Media
Nico Ramdt - Experimental Audio
Kotar Tisterkorn - Fabric
Dan Brahman - Poetry (short form)
Strassa Leveric - New Media
Leper Pearlam - Digital Media
Grass Davis - Multimedia
Totom Billings - Theatre
Bree Odkiary - Sculpture
Chill Villenforth - Creative Non-Fiction
Nipe Strassberg - Short Story (Flash Fiction)
Pito DiMartini - Film
Jason Easter - Photography
Tekka Drassler - Hard Science
Mia Albers - Architecture
Trish Emanual - Philosophy
Eleanor Dinshavac - Plastic Arts
Astro Trask - Novel
Brasler Lenentoja - Music (Popular)
Dillo Maveroni - Printmaking
Rabbi Johnson - Poetry (long form)
Vester Martinez - Short Story
China Maplewood - Conceptual Multimedia
Shaura Orton - New Economics

CONVERSATION WITH LEGENDARY DJ AND ZINESTER ROBIN PLAN OF TEXAS

THE MOSS PROBLEM: Hi, Robbie! Miss you.

ROBIN PLAN: Hello, Jeff.

TMP: Miss ya.

ROBIN: Miss the old times, I do.

TMP: New times, old times, all times.

ROBIN: I might not be much of a candidate for the new times.

TMP: OK.

ROBIN: Now times.
The old times matter too.
Lots to be said for nostalgia.
What might have been and all that.

TMP: "Texas is the reason/That the president's dead/Suck, suck, Jackie/Suck, suck, suck" "Bullet" by The Misfits!
Yeah.

ROBIN: I just finished the first season of TREME, about how musicians are reviving New Orleans after Katrina, you'd like it.

Another David Simon production.

TMP: Nice. I have 2 channels, CBS and CW. TWO BROKE GIRLS is OK

ROBIN: Library.

TMP: Home.

ROBIN: There's no excuse is what I'm saying.

TMP: Um.

ROBIN: The library has these products.

TMP: I owe the library 100 dollars plus.

ROBIN: All you need is a card.
Oh well, then.

TMP: I have a card.

ROBIN: One year I owed the library nearly 500 dollars.

TMP: I paid seven hundred three years ago.

ROBIN: I was psycho from being on 11 psych-meds all year.

TMP: Tell me.

ROBIN: I couldn't organize a coherent thought.

TMP: Yep.

ROBIN: You've been sending e-mails I'm not reading.

TMP: Fantastic! Robo! I am on the Robbie Plan team!

ROBIN: No offense, but they tend to steal time and energy.

TMP: Yeah. Doesn't matter at all.

ROBIN: You don't sound sane right now.

TMP: I am only upset. I am sane.
Had a crazy convo with my stepmother recently.

ROBIN: What is it that upsets you?

TMP: No moolah.

ROBIN: Oh, Diane, yes.

TMP: Cigarette addiction.

Lack of foodstuffs in house.

Broken lock on front door.

ROBIN: You spent this month's check already?

TMP: Police in Norwood and Cincinnati always asking if I have needles and knives in my pockets!

ROBIN: You're gonna need a whatchamacallit.

TMP: My friends in Cincinnati are all true weirdos.
Tea and sympathy, that's what I need.

ROBIN: Someone who handles your SS check and gives you an allowance....

TMP: Never wanted that.

ROBIN: It would be a disgrace.

TMP: The case management agency already mis-handles my check every month for the last five years.
No food stamps.

ROBIN: Where did this month's check go?

TMP: I receive 50 dollars a week, gone on Monday.
My check is mostly "saved" plus I pay fees for this unwanted payee service.
I receive 100 dollars a month for food.
17.50 for ten bus tokens.
And that's it.
A national disgrace, truly.

ROBIN: You get 700 in social security right?

TMP: My similarly-boated SSDI/SSI friend gets 200 a month in food stamps. Depends on the charity caseworker. Mine likes to deny claims, he/she is on the promotion fast-track he/she is!
Yes.
200 dollars cash/month.
My struggle.

ROBIN: You already have a payee/overseer don't you?
They don't send the check straight to you?

TMP: Not since my "guardian" dad switched me to this horrifying system 5 years ago.

ROBIN: Ugh.

TMP: Yeah.

ROBIN: NAMI loves your type of situation-in-life.
This is what NAMI is all about.

TMP: Diane's sex orgy league of freaks: NAMI !!

ROBIN: NAMI wants you completely dependent and in a boundary-less relationship.

TMP: NAMI are sickos, truly.

ROBIN: You stand for it.

TMP: No.

ROBIN: You allow it.

TMP: You couldn't be more wrong.
Never.

ROBIN: You agree that you are as sick as they say you are.

TMP: I will have my revenge on Seattle.

ROBIN: Never once have you self-advocated.

TMP: Always, I "self-advocate" every day. WHO ARE YOU?

ROBIN: You haven't sought non-coercive non-medical healing.

TMP: Wrong again.

ROBIN: Pretend like you don't know about the radical mental health movement.

TMP: Please!

ROBIN: The Radical Mental Health Movement is made up of individuals who refuse the party line WHILE WORKING TO DEAL with their extreme mental states.

TMP: Mm-hmm.

ROBIN: Read Robert Whitaker already, man.

TMP: OK.

ROBIN: Radical mental health.

TMP: OK.

ROBIN: What's "ok"?
Say something.
It's either NAMI or radical mental health.

TMP: Either you testify as an expert in Hamilton County court on my behalf or write a letter to the judge or this is all only hot hot air.

ROBIN: The radical mental health buildings, centers, legislation in your community, only hot air?

TMP: Yes.

ROBIN: It doesn't exist?!
The peer-support movement!

TMP: My ph. no. is [513]351-3261. Let's talk again SOMEDAY.

ROBIN: Ha, oh poor Darius.
Butthurt.

TMP: Thanx for the homophobe slur!

ROBIN: Flawedplan gone gangster on his ass!
I haz a sad.

TMP: Poppin' caps!

ROBIN: Your life. Have at it.

TMP: I will not eat lead!

A major accomplishment: Robin Plan's TROUBLE WAITS (2002)
Fantastic essays on human rights and many difficult experiences: Robin Plan's WRITHE SAFELY (2006-09)

THE FIVE MINUTES HATE

Crosstown has no color. Crosstown has no Christ. Crosstown has no future.
No future. No color. No Christ.

I dream of E-Town:
A maze in a graveyard.

Emergency Town Volunteers
Swarm the city walls.
Crisis and Summit concluded, a new name,
A new now: Ecstatic!

We honor Our Ten Trillion Dead.
All the Living wear shrouds,
Flowers crowded everywhere,
Oil and plastic teardrops in every vending machine:
The Ten Thousand Years of Peace!
Fake Face Day! At last!

We Will Never Forget 9/16

Revenge

Wednesday nights on ABC

The action opens during the war between the Hamptons and New York City on the continent known as Los Angeles, which is most likely identified with modern-day Greenland. The story is based on Southfork romance games and goals of the privileged class and the Kindlefolk heaving chairs dead bodies on the beaches. In this new series of Paul’s stories recalling Vacationing 1:16, Reynolds led the defense called Monte Cristo Sandwich, starring Tommy Tuberville, Lord Jeff, Singrila Hamptons, Brady Hoke, and Shaq, entertained by making ham, turkey and Swiss cheese sandwiches and covering them in a mixture of egg and milk before deepfrying them and thrusting them at Daniel Parmazoetta as “Kindle” —the sidekick with a fondness for Van Camp’s Pork and Beans.

Roll playing Music by Southfork accompanies the Monte Cristo Sandwich fantasia set in the “Southfork” where they purchase an armor-all for the positioning of sponsorship logos. Mixed-gender tournaments are commonplace in the lower levels, visiting the dead body on the beach Shoppe can reward the genuflector with heaving and thrusting removable vacationing plates as they are was placed above the Monte Cristo Sandwich of Grohthmuwrn, and also removable and weapon ready codpiece.

Season Two, which precedes the Season One, enters the realm of Hamptons and the vacationing of the dead people. Ravis Kindle, the proprietor of the Olden Shoppe, is roasted while grilling seated Van Camp’s Pork and Beans. The spadroon and the heavy swordplay incidents that are heaving Hamptons Monte Cristo Sandwich experienced a dead body on the beach in a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the dead body on the beach, in the land of Kindle Kola with his guide Southfork the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is more often an expression of cocksmanship while vacationing, is in the Prequel and enforces vacationing as aesthetic Molotov in an ideological stew. Fhngrumphwon’s are mainly composed of swordplay folklore and literary dead body on the beach.

Director Kindle Jackson and a crew of Anglican bustier hoists debated and disputed by Hamptons modern vacationing as the prehistory Monte Cristo Sandwich predecessors of the Bush empire. Sparse sexual attraction of Southfork memorabilia including Monte Cristo Sandwich and the desire to have sex with members of the Hamptons Pan Club in a Roger McCabe historical background. Swordplayangel Gabriel also refers to this Kindle in the Gospel of Southfork Homopuppetphilia highlighted by a sexual attraction to vacationing Monte Cristo Sandwich toupees. The dead body on the beach eventually come forth to best Mr. Keilor and the Hat. Heaving "sexcapades" with Music by Sting follows the crash of the Hamptons and the gentrification of Lapland after the invention of the deepfried Twinkie.

Which one will YOU be in the year 1984?

Proletarian--Considered inferior and kept in total ignorance, you'll be fed lies from the Ministry of Truth, eliminated upon signs of promise or ability!

Police Guard--Chosen for lack of intelligence but superior brawn, you'll be suspicious of everyone and be ready to give your life for Big Brother, the leader you've never even seen!

Party Member--Male--Face-less, mind-less, a flesh-and-blood robot with a push-button brain, you're denied love by law, taught hate by the flick of a switch!

Party Member--Female--A member of the Anti-Sex League from birth, your duty will be to smother all human emotion, and your children might not be your husband's!

Endless Shrimp Are Back!

The wait is finally over! Endless Shrimp® are back with revenge! Choose from a variety of succulent severed shrimp selections such as NEW! Parmesan Romano and Garlic Brie Shrimp®, Baked Homie Meatloaf Shrimp®, Fully Loaded Freedom Shrimp®, Succulent New Revenge Headless Shrimp Outrage Platter®, Double Scampi Baron Shrimp®, Strokin’ OT Shrimp Sashimi®, Linguini Mock Turtle Neck Smart Shrimp®, Creamy Honey Alfredo Shrimp®, Virtual Lockdown Mustard Shrimp® Bite-size Mini Haunchyville Shrimp®, Mexican Hairless Shrimp Tincture®, Sapodilla Shrimp®, Total Svengali Sucker Shrimp®, Naked Tea Party Naked Shrimp®, Shrimp Again and Again Until Dead Shrimp®, Alfredo Philippe Casper Caesar Shrimp®, Iowa Deep-Fried Brain Madness Shrimp®, Sweet and Sour w/ Nothin’ On Shrimp®, Sticky Coconut Get-It-On Shrimp®, Cheesy Party with Three Types of Bubblin’ Up Cheese Shrimp®, Sands of Emo-Gee-Ma Shrimp®, Crazyhouse Aces Shrimp®, Wassup Wasabi Shrimp®, Smeagma O’Day-licious Motherofall Shrimp®, Frey & Flay One Shrimp at-a-time Shrimp®, Aged and Stamped Hairy Sphinctolitis Gouda Shrimp®, Locked and Loaded Master Shrimp®, Playin’ With a Full Nelson Shrimp®, Portabella Mock Scrotum Shrimp®. Litehouse Fluid On-the-Knee Shrimp®, Herman Goering Eustis Shrimp®, Herman Miller Herman Shrimp®, El Toboso Blistered Ohio Shrimp®, Tossed in Hurley Wrap Shrimp®, Jojoba Cast-iron shrimp Shrimp al Fresco®, Wrapt Underside Deveined Liver Shrimp®, Buffalo Sponge Candy Shrimp®, Challenger Acid Trail Shrimp®, Catch of the Day Talapia Shrimp®, Connecticut Papertowel Spaghetti Shrimp®, Kosher Burbury Shrimp®, Dennis (don’t let the) Hopper (run dry) Shrimp®, Namin’ Names Shrimp® , Turgid Livermore Shrimp®, Big White Neitzschean Shrimp®, Swollen Monster Shrimp Charles®, Denise Levertov Missle Launcher Shrimp®, Haitian Divorcee Bikeride Shrimp®, Nuclear Payload Halflife Shrimp®, Big Blackened Albini Shrimp®, Leroy Neiman Playboy Shrimp®, Jumbo Fatboy Steroidal Shrimp®, Jism Ecstas Spaceistheplace Shrimp®, Lazarus 2nd day Comin’ Strong Shrimp®, Chic-a-dee Adolpho Genesis Shrimp®, Ratzo Rizzo Snotto Shrimpo®, 420 Friendly Shrimp Shooter®, Ghonorea Payback Shrimp®, Great Wall From Space Shrimp®, Christo Covered Shrimp®, Amish Headcheese Bootstrap Shrimp Fargo®, Grease-trap Escape Bucket Shrimp®, and Visionary ShrimpJohnson®.
Only at Dead Lobster.

Gubbinal

That strange flower, the sun,
Is just what you say.
Have it your way.

The world is ugly,
And the people are sad.

That tuft of jungle feathers,
That animal eye,
Is just what you say.

That savage of fire,
That seed,
Have it your way.

The world is ugly,
And the people are sad.


—Wallace Stevens

THE AMERICAN EARTHQUAKE by Edmund Wilson

In the newer part of town, the East Forties, looking down from a high upper window, one takes account of the monstrous carcass of the Grand Central Station and Palace, with its myriad skylights and its zinc-livid roofs, stretched out like a segmented seaworm that is almost unrecognizable as a form of life. Beyond it rise the upright rectangles of drab or raw yellow brick--yellows devoid of brilliance, browns that are never rich--perforated, as if by a perforating machine, with rows of rectangular windows; the stiff black fingers of factories; blunt truncated meaningless towers; a broken scrambling of flat roofs and sharp angles which is yet a compact fitting-in; and then the lead-silver river strung across with its skeletal bridge. In the middle distance, the sky itself seems to be overdisplaced--like a pool in which a large safe has been dropped--by a disagreeably colored hotel, brownish yellow like a bronchial trochee and so immense that its cubic acres seem to weigh down the very island, almost to make it sag. A flock of pigeons that fly below have the look, in the dull light, of wastepaper blown by the wind.

Game of Thornes

The action opens during the war between the Hrthoh Empire and the Krills of the North on the continent known as “Home” which is most likely identified with modern-day Greenland, story is based on Medieval romance games and goals of the privileged class and the bustiers heaving chair dominance. In this new series of Paul’s stories recalling Collisians 1:16, Reynolds led the defense called riposte, starring Tommy Tuberville, Lord Jeff, Singrila Mahjong, with thrusting swordplay and Daniel Parmazoetta as “Bat” —the sidekick with a fondness for Galipiphilia. Roll playing Music by Sting accompanies the 4D fantasia set in the “Otherwylde” where they purchase a armor-all for the positioning of sponsorship logos. Mixed-gender tournaments are commonplace in the lower levels, visiting the Hades Shoppe can reward the genuflector with heaving and thrusting removable identity plates as they are was placed above the Eyrie of Grohthmuwrn, and also removable and weapon ready codpiece. Season Two, which precedes the Season One, enters the realm of Polpotophilia and the march of the dead people. Ravis Erchwon, the proprietor of the Olden Shoppe, is roasted while grilling seated Panphilia. The spadroon and the heavy swordplay incidents that are heaving
experienced a major resurgence in the 19th century boatmanship, whither the Animiphilia, in the land of Gotu Kola with his guide Kimba the White Lion. Churlishness aside, art, which is more often an expression of cocksmanship, is in the Prequel enforces as aesthetic Molotov in an ideological stew. Fhngrumphwon’s are mainly composed of swordplay folklore and literary invention. Director Pestios Jackson and a crew of Anglican bustier hoists debated and disputed by modern historians as the prehistory Coxswain predecessors of the Bush empire. Sparse sexual attraction of wartime memorabilia including thrusting and the desire to have sex with members of the genus Pan in a Roger McCabe historical background. Swordplayangel Gabriel also refers to this throne in the Gospel of Luke Homopuppetphilia highlighted by a sexual attraction to misplaced toupees. The Krills eventually come forth to best Mr. Keilor and the Hat. Heaving "sexcapades" with Music by Sting follows the crash of the Trainbar and the gentrification of Haunchieville.

—to be continued.

Breakfast Cereal "R" Us

Now that the weather is warming up and the houndstooth is making its way back into the mothballs where it belongs, there is nothing I like better than breakfast cereal! Here is the ALLTIME cream of the crop:

Kellogg’s Cream of the Crop – Try to imagine cream of wheat in hardened form, dried, put into a box, and rehydrated when milk is added. They tried, they failed.

Lucky Charms – You can divide all people into three personality types: Those who eat lucky charms in a “normal” way. People who eat the “oats” first and save the marshmallows for last. People who only eat the marshmallows. Which one are you?

Froot Loops – One of the most popular breakfast cereals of all time, due to the spelling. Unfortunately it’s trademarked so you can’t use the word “Froot” for a band name or anything else. Darkberries variety is particularly popular among the Goth crowd.

Capn’ Crunch – Several entire counter-cultures are based on this cereal, not the least of which is drug related. CC is unmatched for pure pleasure of eating, though there are healthier choices. The Peanut Butter variety was a favorite of mine back in the day.

Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal – From the 1980’s, when they just didn’t know any better.

Little Debbie Vanilla Bars Cereal – Not actually a cereal at all, but a “folk cereal” invented by lovers of Little Debbie’s Vanilla Bars who would break apart the snack food into a bowl, add milk, an viola!

General Mills French Toast Crunch – Renamed “Freedom Toast Crunch” on September 16, 2011, which led to lackluster sales and its ultimate demise.

Count Chocula – Voted most popular breakfast cereal of all time. You’ve got vampires and chocolate, what’s not to like?

Frankenberry – Count Chocula’s sick second cousin. It is said if you eat it with Nestle Strawberry Quik instead of regular milk, you’ll see God. Strawberry Quick Meth, maybe.

King Vitamin – The guy on the box, the photographic human version, even scarier than the lecherous child molesting Burger King.

Crazy Cow – Cereal coated with something like Nestles Quik, so when milk was added it colored and flavored the milk. Bad idea all around.

Waffelos – Like breaking apart a waffle into a bowl and adding milk. Kinda stoopid, huh?

General Mills Green Fuzz – Is that a new breakfast cereal or is there a leak in your cupboard?

Kellogg’s Sugar Smack – Rare, early versions of the cereal before it was simultaneously pluralized and euphemized, back from the less cynical days when the valium induced zombized housewives would control the kids via breakfast cereal force feeding.

Sammy the Sailor – Little anchors, fish, schooners, nets, squid, etc., that all look like little squares. No fish content.

Kellogg’s OJ’s – Discontinued sometime between the tragic deaths and the famous low-speed chase. Cereal that was presumed guilty.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Rumors of it being the breakfast of choice of Mark David Chapman were false.

Mr. T Cereal – Another cereal hoax, it didn’t ever exist originally, but the viral internet marketing was so effective that Quaker Oats invented the cereal after the fact to cash in on its popularity!

Hardy Boy’s Secret of the Old Mill Cereal – In the original version of the book, the counterfeiters at the old mill were masquerading as inventors of a new breakfast cereal. They had the Hardys buying their story through much of the book.

General Mills Body Buddies – Believe it or else! Shaped like little tapeworms.

Kellogg’s Haunchies – Available in those individual size boxes only, which is “family size” in Haunchieville. This breakfast cereal does not actually exist.

SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal – Speaks for itself. No, it really speaks, or gives that illusion, as the large marshmallows are rehydrated and rub against each other!

Ralston Hounds Tooth – Little houndstooth designs, if you were to arrange them as so. In a bowl with milk they don’t look so nightmarish in pattern—more like little turds. In other words, like houndstooth!

MEMO FROM BIFF

I could never be a modern gal. The only useful context I have is pre-modern or mythical. My inundated notion of the Modernists, though always charming in the conception of their novelty, is one of a linear self-narrative which begins at their end. A novel in which the end is known and the events are divulged incrementally, not lavishly, in contrived retrospect--leading of course to the conclusion of the subject.

I am a lover of science--as it organizes the gathered information of our context. As an etiology of life it leaves me cold and shivering in the darkness. The three year old can see and feel Helios' Steed running across the sky, while any modern explanation--of measurements, of time, of endings--seems absurd. The theme of my life is ancient, the stuff of whims and accidents and misunderstandings where everything changes in a moment--joy or agony beyond understanding, yet so known, familiar, and eternal. Modernity is a Sergeant who has not earned his stripes, but exercises his authority with contrived authenticity. (I think you have earned your stripes.)

Pointless--of course! Purposeful and impossible--not sure. Fun/Horrifying--are these the same thing?

Flash!/Endless!

DRINKING THE KOOL-AID by Cleophus Beasley

Jim Jones Party
Current mood: chipper
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Several friends of mine and I actually did this in the early Summer 1991...

Items needed fer a Jim Jones Party:

1. Several packets of grape Kool-Aid
2. Water soluble benzodiazapine tranquilizers (We used Ativan), crushed
3. Sugar
4. Punchbowl
5. Dixie Cups
6. Ladle (Optional)
7. One copy of "Guyana Tragedy" (Ours was a VHS tape)
8. Space on the floor to lay down on
9. TV
10. VCR (To play the video)

On a kitchen counter, in a punchbowl, combine all of the grape Kool-Aid mix
with sugar (To taste), crushed up Ativans, and the appropriate amount of
water. Stir. Arrange the Dixie Cups on the kitchen counter in neat rows.
Pour the Kool-Aid into the Dixie Cups, using the ladle, until gone. Fast
forward the movie towards the end, to the mass suicide part, then hit
"play". Have guests drink the Kool-Aid while watching the movie. Once the
Kool-Aid kicks in, enthusiastically urge party patrons to lay down on the
floor. Fer added shock effect, arrange fer other people to come over to the
party later, after everyone is passed out on the floor, to make the
"discovery"!

Slam Dunk Contest Hi-Lites

Runner up Blake Griffon leapt over vintage Chevy Impala while its 2011 state-of-the-art car alarm was going off
Runner up Steve Blake dunked left hand while firing uzi into crowd with with right hand (blanks, or candy bullets)
Runner up Blake Austin dunked over the Black Eyed Peas while listening to something else on his iPod
Runner up Blake Hoffarber on crouching tiger hidden dragon wires while tweeting with Shaq on Droid X
Runner up Tim Blake Nelson dunked over the incredible hulk while reading The Odyssey
Runner up Blake Falk with no socks
Blake Edwards tribute to Pink Panther theme remix
Runner up Blake Shelton dunk with hat (bumped by Dodge Ram commercial)
Semi-finalist Blake Lively dunked over the Harvard and Columbia basketball teams, including trainers, conditioning coaches, mascots, cheerleaders, marching band
Winner William Blake dunked while seeing visions of a man's head crushed like melon and during live Neil Young performance of NIHL level guitar feedback

Best Country & Western Songs of 2010

(Let’s Drink to) This, That, and the Other Thing
You Gotch A’nother Think Comin’
(When I Lost My Cellphone) I Lost My Mind
“Your Honor, She SAID She Was Fourteen!”
They Asked Me Not To Return (To Nashville)
(My Car Alarm is Louder than) Your Husband
It Is What It Is (Except When It Ain’t)
(Will My Illegitimate Children Take Care of Me) When I’m Older?
(There’s No Kind of Pork) I’m Not In Love (With)
Love Ur Country (or I’ll Back Over Your Head with My Dodge Ram)
(My Cowboy Boots Smelled So Bad) They Walked to the Store All By Themselves (and Bought Themselves Some Odor-Eaters)