Showing posts with label sports. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sports. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 11.28.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – November 28, 2017

1. Wisconsin Badgers
2. UCF Knights
3. Clemson Tigers
4. Oklahoma Sooners
5. Auburn Tigers
6. Georgia Bulldogs
7. Alabama Crimson Tide
8. Miami Hurricanes
9. Ohio State Buckeyes
10. TCU Horned Frogs
11. Memphis Tigers
12. Penn State Nittany Lions
13. Stanford Cardinal
14. Southern California Trojans
15. Washington Huskies
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Oklahoma State Cowboys
18. Michigan State Spartans
19. Virginia Tech Hokies
20. LSU Tigers
21. Northwestern Wildcats
22. South Florida Bulls
23. Michigan Wolverines
24. Washington State Cougars
25. Boise State Broncos


Only a handful of games left this weekend before the BFR determines the BFR National Champion and Top 25, but it's still totally up in the air, so that's kind of exciting! The Collage Football Playoffs has become a fiasco and has to change. It is our opinion that were better off with smaller conferences and no conference championship games, and the traditional bowl games (broadcast on TV) at the end of the season, after which different entities crowned their national champion. Of course, there is always a lot of disagreement. I hate to break the news here, but there's always going to be a lot of disagreement anyway. But for some reason it's important for sports-fan morons to have an “undisputed” champion, so how about this system? Go back to the traditional bowl games (I mean, bowl games that don't double as playoff games) after which a/“The” committee can pick the top 32 teams to enter in a football tournament starting in January. Each of these match-ups will be best of seven, in order to have a more fair determination of the “better team.” We should, if spaced properly, be able to determine the national champion by the end of the school year. Players can then enter the NFL draft or take a much needed summer off to recuperate. --H. Houndstooth.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 10.31.17

This week's BFR – Broadcast Football Rankings – October 31, 2017

1. Georgia Bulldogs
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
4. Wisconsin Badgers
5. Miami Hurricanes
6. Clemson Tigers
7. Ohio State Buckeyes
8. Oklahoma Sooners
9. Penn State Nittany Lions
10. TCU Horned Frogs
11. UCF Knights
12. Virginia Tech Hokies
13. Washington Huskies
14. Oklahoma State Cowboys
15. Iowa State Cyclones
16. Southern California Trojans
17. LSU Tigers
18. Auburn Tigers
19. Memphis Tigers
20. North Carolina State Wolfpack
21. Stanford Cardinal
22. South Florida Bulls
23. Mississippi State Bulldogs
24. Washington State Cougars
25. Michigan Wolverines

I don't know about you, reader, but these days I'm happier to see Halloween over than even the Christmas holiday. Since when did adults take it over from the kids? In light of all the goofy special uniforms they're wearing in college football these days, we're just lucky we didn't have a team sporting pumpkin head helmets! But seeing how this week's ranking falls on the 31st, I'm going to do a roundup of mascots in our top 25. FOUR Tigers, one Cougar, one Dr. Seuss Lion. Two Bulldogs now, one Husky, and a whole pack of Wolves. Also, Wolverines, Badgers, and a mutant reptile. Two teams named after the color red, though I'm not sure one of them isn't a discontinued laundry product that always made the whites pink. Cowboys, Knights, Bulls, and tree nuts. Two teams named after weather, and one named for an exclamation (Hokies, as far as I can tell). And let's not forget the eternal rivalry between the embattled Catholics and the product almost synonymous with contraception. Last and certainly least, the team named for early agents of genocide (Sooners). Bon appetit! --H. Houndstooth

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Broadcast Football Rankings 9.5.17

Welcome to the first installment of the BFR (Broadcast Football Rankings) – September 5, 2017.

1. Clemson Tigers
2. Alabama Crimson Tide
3. Michigan Wolverines
4. Penn State Nittany Lions
5. Oklahoma Sooners
6. Ohio State Buckeyes
7. Stanford Cardinal
8. LSU Tigers
9. Wisconsin Badgers
10. Washington Huskies
11. Auburn Tigers
12. South Florida Bulls
13. Virginia Tech Hokies
14. Georgia Bulldogs
15. Oklahoma State Cowboys
16. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
17. Southern California Trojans
18. Louisville Cardinals
19. Washington State Cougars
20. Utah Utes
21. Iowa Hawkeyes
22. Kansas State Wildcats
23. Florida Gators
24. Miami Hurricanes
25. Florida State Seminoles

Notes: It's hard to tell much after only one week of football, since some teams started out playing closely matched opponents, while other teams played schools who merely cobbled together a team for the occasion. But a lot more was evident than BEFORE the first week, and that didn't stop the Ass. Press from coming up with rankings—based on what? That you won a national championship four years ago? Anyway, here is the first Moss Problem BFR college football ranking. If you don't agree, here is whose butt you can kiss: H. Houndstooth

Monday, September 4, 2017

Introducing the BFR: Broadcast Football Rankings

Even though I have the biggest satellite dish allowed by the FCC, it has come to my attention that the only sports left on broadcast television are football and golf. It is my personal opinion that college football is the finest sport out there, but it has been severely compromised by the introduction of the Bowl Championship era, as well as sports betting. Therefore, we here as the Moss Problem have introduced a new ranking system called the Broadcast Football Rankings. (BFR.) This is an anonymous and secret board of sportswriters who will come out with a new ranking after each week of college football, which will then be posted here by Moss Problem reporter, H. Houndstooth, along with a rundown of the recent action.

The BFR ranking will not take into account or be influenced by Las Vegas odds, sports bookies, or organized crime, which we feel has absolutely no business being part of amateur athletics. Furthermore, we will crown a National Champion in the first week of December, following the major conference championship games. We will then consider the college football “bowls” exhibition games, having no bearing on the championship, as they have been corrupted with the big money and gambling influence of cable television and organized crime. It is our sincerest hope that this change, and this new ranking system, will bring the college football fan back to the long past excitement and accessibility of this great sport.

—Anthony Franciosa, Editor, The Moss Problem, September 2017

Monday, December 1, 2014

The Born Loosers

Proposal for Reality Program

Title: Born Loosers

It's a simple premise. Contributors to sporting news message boards from across the Internet will be selected to appear on a half-hour sports talk show in which they will be encouraged to discuss current sporting news topics.

Participants will be encouraged to use foul language, threats, and actual physical violence against each other. Possible sports figure guest stars. Possible games and contests pertaining to show themes.

Venue: Ideally the program would air on a cable network in order to be able to exhibit adult language, situations, and disturbing behavior.

Estimated budget: $100, 000 per episode.

Monday, October 18, 2010

BSC Rankings

The Moss Problem is proud to announce that it has been selected as one of the 158 independent sports writing publications that make up the sports journal arm of the Bowl Series Championship computer rankings. From this week until the end of the NCAA College Football season, The Moss Problem will have a hand (finger, hangnail?) in selecting the top 25 college football teams in the country.


According to a memo accompanying our selection, The Moss Problem was selected for its high degree of journalistic integrity and unique vision in the face of nearly overwhelming fan base noise. Cited as influencing the decision, was The Moss Problem’s continuing emphasis on non-traditional factors in team ratings, including: defensive domination, coaching idiosyncrasy, home uniform colors, away uniform colors, helmet style and colors, celebration aesthetics, and “extracurricular,” which includes mascot quality, band, and fan traditions. The Moss Problem Poll, rather than trying to assert which team is “best,” based on performance thus far, is a ranking of perceived excellence as well as prediction of final ranking at the end of the season.


Week of October 18, 2010.


1. Oregon

2. Auburn

3. TCU

4. Wisconsin

5. Stanford

6. Ohio State

7. Boise State

8. Michigan State

9. Arkansas

10. Oklahoma

11. Virginia Tech

12. Nebraska

13. LSU

14. Missouri

15. Arkansas

16. Oklahoma State

17. Nevada

18. Texas A&M

19. Utah

20. South Carolina

21. Florida State

22. Mississippi State

23. Oregon State

24. Iowa

25. Hawaii

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Silence of the Vuvuzelas


The sports world will never be the same since the 2010 Fifi World Cup introduced the auditory excitement to the world. Tried watching the British open, and even the wind couldn't hide the lack of vuvuzela excitement, nor could cries of, "Get it in the hole."

I for one will support the promotion of the crazy plastic horn at American events from now forth. Flushing Meadows this Labor Day will be the test case of stateside vuvu-prowess. Don't let the authorities ban the horn, we have First Amendment rights here in the United States of America. I'm no lawyer, but I believe it covers expressions of the horn.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Broadcast Sports and I Won't Last A Day Without You

Little by little, free broadcast sports coverage is being taken away from the poorest segments of the Untied States population, and it looks like by the time we get through these dreadful single digit years, if you don't pay for cable TV sports specific networks, you will be shitouttaluck. I don't even care to look into digital broadcasting implications, as obvious as it is that all technological advancements are mostly about wringing even more money out of the masses of barely-able-to-afford-anything-anymore, especially food. But let's just say you decide to get by without food and want to be a sports fan. If you live in a city you can still go to a baseball game (as long as you're not in Boston), though don't pick that day to resume your diet, because a hotdog is $15 and a bottle of water is $5. You could save all year and maybe afford an NFL game, but pro basketball has long been affordable only to corporations. If you happen to have a TV, and actually LIKE Notre Dame, you can watch college football. By early next decade, however, the bowl games will be on cable only, and the Final Four are sure to follow that trend. If you have no TV, like me, you won't have to deal with all that digital conversion bullshit, but say you want to find some sports on the AM radio, like in the old days? Forget it!—though you may be lucky and find some so-called Christian bullshit that is so far out even Christians can't stomach it. Most of radio is now, however—as is most of broadcast TV—infomercials—and if you happen to be INSANE and enjoy infomercials, you must now endure commercials during your infomercials. There was a brief window where the Internet seemed like nirvana for sports fans, and indeed these days it's the only place I can find anything at all, but the golden age is over, and soon the Internet will be so gummed up with information gathering robots and animated commercials that it won't work at all. It's more or less there already. You can still get a newspaper, of course, if you have the patience to page through advertisements for the Internet to finally find a poorly written, uninspired article. I was thinking—what IS the opiate of the masses anymore? Is there still $1.50 a six pack beer?—because you sure can't afford cigarettes, taxed as they are in order to pay for the sports arenas that only the rich can afford to visit. What if they decide to tax lottery tickets, someone asked me, and they go up in price like cigarettes? Lottery tickets are ALREADY tax, I reassured them, the rich finding yet another way to tax the poor. I'm sitting here on a grimy Saturday wondering exactly how much it will take before The Revolution, or will there be no Revolution? If there is none, does it mean that the powerful have so totally learned how to control the not-powerful, that they have completely enslaved the—with little, malfunctioning electrical devices, to play with, and direct their anger towards—and the terror of the disappearance of all civil rights? Or are the powerless sitting back and waiting, doing the only subversive thing left that costs nearly nothing, reading books? My pessimism answered that question as you might imagine, and I found it necessary to take refuge in the only drug I have left to me, the Carpenters. Or more specifically, the song "I Won't Last A Day Without You." That song is so far beyond "one day at a time"-- it is pretty much a surrender of existence-- the only thing left is a glimmer of something once idealized as love. I mean, it's probably not even about another person-- it sounds like it could be an ode to a magical antidepressant drug, or maybe a commercial for a cheap, canned cocktail. I could dedicate my life to this song; maybe I have. It is the most compelling pop song ever written, and has the perfect verse and chorus combination, like a punch to the gut followed by punch to the face. But then, most weirdly is that horrible bridge, unimaginable, bad, and out of place--you know, "touch me and I end up singing"-- it's so wrong that it always makes me think about "improper" touching, if you know what I'm saying. I guess you could say it's like the thorn on a rose, but still, a thorn is one thing-- you don't see a human turd on a rose. And then there's that line, "When there's no getting over that rainbow," which I know is meant to mean when it's impossible to reach that world “somewhere over the rainbow,” but to me has always had a different meaning. To me, "no getting over that rainbow" means not getting over, as in not dealing with, not coming to terms with. It's like they're singing, “when you can't really find a way to deal with that rainbow, when you can't come to terms with it.” That's what makes this song, to me, magical, and it's exactly the best example I can come up with of how there might be a glimmer of hope in this fucked up, fucked up, fucked up beyond belief, world.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sports News

Contrary to as previously implied, Randy Moss, football player, has no affiliation with this online journal. Our lawyers made us say that. That's not true, we don't have any lawyers. If we did, though, I'd be hitting them up for a job making copies or something.