The Sunny D-Lite Orange Bowl

I don’t feel real optimistic, but this is the ORANGE BOWL! It’ll be on TV, right? I try ABC first, but there is some guy who looks like the porn version of Brett Favre wearing a suit, at what looks like an extremely ritzy funeral, but he is smiling, not sad, and women come into greet him one by one, all wearing really formal dresses that accentuate their breasts (one is wearing her breasts on the OUTSIDE of her dress). They look like porn actresses, actually, or maybe someone who would host the Orlando Citrus Parade. It’s just an endless stream of them, coming out of one of those really big limos, and each one is saying something to Brett (I turn up the sound; they’re saying things that sound like a parody of what people would say on a date). I go close up to the TV. Uhhh... they’re really shiny and weird. Each of the woman have kind of similar jaws, like they have something wrong genetically. Maybe this is a rich guy and he’s into that?

Endless commercials now, check other channels. Fox has a dreadful looking hospital show. On 4.4 there are people skiing down a really huge mountain, that’s looks petty good. On NBC, really bad actors with guns in front of 100% CGI backgrounds. CBS there’s sitcom, kind of classic, completely nondescript living room, and laugh track. Is that Charlie Sheen? Why does that not surprise me. Back to NBC, endless commercials, could be football on here. Maybe this is a show, not a commercial. No, it’s for Yoplait lite. More commercials. More. “Coming up”... more commercials. Something called: The Biggest Loser. Oh, this is the show, it seems to be a reality show about losing weight. What an idea.

Now I’m pulling in a channel called 4.2, the show is “Nonstop Foodies”—a lot of silly people talking really fast, fast camera, movement, lots of cuts, someone said “Shiitake Mushroom” like they mastered the pronunciation about a half-hour ago. More commercials. Oh, how to make an “authentic New York Cheesecake.” Which is interesting. It’s one of those things that once you see the ingredients, you’ll never eat it again.

Back to Fox, no football, just one of those overwrought dramas with some guy waving a gun around the WHOLE show, hostages, etc, the camera jerking around. Is that Tim Roth? No, it can’t be. I refuse to believe it. Maybe it’s a movie. The guy’s waving around a gun, sweating. That IS Tim Roth—not the guy with the gun. Another guy. No it can’t be, I refuse to believe it.

I turn the channel, back to the thin Brett Favre and 30 shiny women, they’re all drinking champagne Is he going to have sex with ALL of them? It’s some kind of endurance realty show! Hey, a channel called 7.2 or “The LivWell Network”—it’s Rick Bayless! I love Rick Bayless. But it’s not football. It’s definitely not the Orange Bowl.

I keep going back to that show with the guy waving the gun around. He’s still waving it around. There’s still a woman with a laptop. There’s a guy who looks like Henry Rollins. That IS Tim Roth, he’s got the gun to his head. Maybe it’s a drama AND a documentary about the making of the drama AT THE SAME TIME. But everyone looks so dire.