Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Breakfast Cereal "R" Us

Now that the weather is warming up and the houndstooth is making its way back into the mothballs where it belongs, there is nothing I like better than breakfast cereal! Here is the ALLTIME cream of the crop:

Kellogg’s Cream of the Crop – Try to imagine cream of wheat in hardened form, dried, put into a box, and rehydrated when milk is added. They tried, they failed.

Lucky Charms – You can divide all people into three personality types: Those who eat lucky charms in a “normal” way. People who eat the “oats” first and save the marshmallows for last. People who only eat the marshmallows. Which one are you?

Froot Loops – One of the most popular breakfast cereals of all time, due to the spelling. Unfortunately it’s trademarked so you can’t use the word “Froot” for a band name or anything else. Darkberries variety is particularly popular among the Goth crowd.

Capn’ Crunch – Several entire counter-cultures are based on this cereal, not the least of which is drug related. CC is unmatched for pure pleasure of eating, though there are healthier choices. The Peanut Butter variety was a favorite of mine back in the day.

Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal – From the 1980’s, when they just didn’t know any better.

Little Debbie Vanilla Bars Cereal – Not actually a cereal at all, but a “folk cereal” invented by lovers of Little Debbie’s Vanilla Bars who would break apart the snack food into a bowl, add milk, an viola!

General Mills French Toast Crunch – Renamed “Freedom Toast Crunch” on September 16, 2011, which led to lackluster sales and its ultimate demise.

Count Chocula – Voted most popular breakfast cereal of all time. You’ve got vampires and chocolate, what’s not to like?

Frankenberry – Count Chocula’s sick second cousin. It is said if you eat it with Nestle Strawberry Quik instead of regular milk, you’ll see God. Strawberry Quick Meth, maybe.

King Vitamin – The guy on the box, the photographic human version, even scarier than the lecherous child molesting Burger King.

Crazy Cow – Cereal coated with something like Nestles Quik, so when milk was added it colored and flavored the milk. Bad idea all around.

Waffelos – Like breaking apart a waffle into a bowl and adding milk. Kinda stoopid, huh?

General Mills Green Fuzz – Is that a new breakfast cereal or is there a leak in your cupboard?

Kellogg’s Sugar Smack – Rare, early versions of the cereal before it was simultaneously pluralized and euphemized, back from the less cynical days when the valium induced zombized housewives would control the kids via breakfast cereal force feeding.

Sammy the Sailor – Little anchors, fish, schooners, nets, squid, etc., that all look like little squares. No fish content.

Kellogg’s OJ’s – Discontinued sometime between the tragic deaths and the famous low-speed chase. Cereal that was presumed guilty.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Rumors of it being the breakfast of choice of Mark David Chapman were false.

Mr. T Cereal – Another cereal hoax, it didn’t ever exist originally, but the viral internet marketing was so effective that Quaker Oats invented the cereal after the fact to cash in on its popularity!

Hardy Boy’s Secret of the Old Mill Cereal – In the original version of the book, the counterfeiters at the old mill were masquerading as inventors of a new breakfast cereal. They had the Hardys buying their story through much of the book.

General Mills Body Buddies – Believe it or else! Shaped like little tapeworms.

Kellogg’s Haunchies – Available in those individual size boxes only, which is “family size” in Haunchieville. This breakfast cereal does not actually exist.

SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal – Speaks for itself. No, it really speaks, or gives that illusion, as the large marshmallows are rehydrated and rub against each other!

Ralston Hounds Tooth – Little houndstooth designs, if you were to arrange them as so. In a bowl with milk they don’t look so nightmarish in pattern—more like little turds. In other words, like houndstooth!


Anonymous said...

Don't miss the epic flick The Grain That Made Battle Creek Famous. In Sensurround!

Jerry Wig Wam said...

Disgraceful spelling. It's "Cap'n" Crunch, you cretin.

Gary "U.S." Bonds said...

French Toast became Freedom Toast 9/16/01
NOT later this year.

Lou Jacobs said...

That's Lou Jacobs!

Anonymous said...

Lou Jacobs: Marked For Death!