Now that the weather is warming up and the houndstooth is making its way back into the mothballs where it belongs, there is nothing I like better than breakfast cereal! Here is the ALLTIME cream of the crop:
Kellogg’s Cream of the Crop – Try to imagine cream of wheat in hardened form, dried, put into a box, and rehydrated when milk is added. They tried, they failed.
Lucky Charms – You can divide all people into three personality types: Those who eat lucky charms in a “normal” way. People who eat the “oats” first and save the marshmallows for last. People who only eat the marshmallows. Which one are you?
Froot Loops – One of the most popular breakfast cereals of all time, due to the spelling. Unfortunately it’s trademarked so you can’t use the word “Froot” for a band name or anything else. Darkberries variety is particularly popular among the Goth crowd.
Capn’ Crunch – Several entire counter-cultures are based on this cereal, not the least of which is drug related. CC is unmatched for pure pleasure of eating, though there are healthier choices. The Peanut Butter variety was a favorite of mine back in the day.
Dunkin’ Donuts Cereal – From the 1980’s, when they just didn’t know any better.
Little Debbie Vanilla Bars Cereal – Not actually a cereal at all, but a “folk cereal” invented by lovers of Little Debbie’s Vanilla Bars who would break apart the snack food into a bowl, add milk, an viola!
General Mills French Toast Crunch – Renamed “Freedom Toast Crunch” on September 16, 2011, which led to lackluster sales and its ultimate demise.
Count Chocula – Voted most popular breakfast cereal of all time. You’ve got vampires and chocolate, what’s not to like?
Frankenberry – Count Chocula’s sick second cousin. It is said if you eat it with Nestle Strawberry Quik instead of regular milk, you’ll see God. Strawberry Quick Meth, maybe.
King Vitamin – The guy on the box, the photographic human version, even scarier than the lecherous child molesting Burger King.
Crazy Cow – Cereal coated with something like Nestles Quik, so when milk was added it colored and flavored the milk. Bad idea all around.
Waffelos – Like breaking apart a waffle into a bowl and adding milk. Kinda stoopid, huh?
General Mills Green Fuzz – Is that a new breakfast cereal or is there a leak in your cupboard?
Kellogg’s Sugar Smack – Rare, early versions of the cereal before it was simultaneously pluralized and euphemized, back from the less cynical days when the valium induced zombized housewives would control the kids via breakfast cereal force feeding.
Sammy the Sailor – Little anchors, fish, schooners, nets, squid, etc., that all look like little squares. No fish content.
Kellogg’s OJ’s – Discontinued sometime between the tragic deaths and the famous low-speed chase. Cereal that was presumed guilty.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Rumors of it being the breakfast of choice of Mark David Chapman were false.
Mr. T Cereal – Another cereal hoax, it didn’t ever exist originally, but the viral internet marketing was so effective that Quaker Oats invented the cereal after the fact to cash in on its popularity!
Hardy Boy’s Secret of the Old Mill Cereal – In the original version of the book, the counterfeiters at the old mill were masquerading as inventors of a new breakfast cereal. They had the Hardys buying their story through much of the book.
General Mills Body Buddies – Believe it or else! Shaped like little tapeworms.
Kellogg’s Haunchies – Available in those individual size boxes only, which is “family size” in Haunchieville. This breakfast cereal does not actually exist.
SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal – Speaks for itself. No, it really speaks, or gives that illusion, as the large marshmallows are rehydrated and rub against each other!
Ralston Hounds Tooth – Little houndstooth designs, if you were to arrange them as so. In a bowl with milk they don’t look so nightmarish in pattern—more like little turds. In other words, like houndstooth!
Its a new day At Burger King!If Double Crossaintwhch and a steaming cup of Seattles Best coffee doesn’t set you on your way, Stop at Midmorning for a some Fresh Apple Frieds or Funnel Cake Sticks!Doctor said “cool it” with the lunchtimes?Tendercrisop Garden Salad might be “the way to go” or if your hungrierTendergill Garden Salad!And for those Midafternoon two hours until “quitting time” blues, pick-up Crispy Tender New Chicken Tendersavailable in four eight or twenty pieces and “Hersheys” Sundae Pie will chase aways those blue!Don’t stop here because its Dinnertime for the Steakhouse Extreme-T-Burgerwill compete as well as theA-1 Stuffed Steakhouse, or Tripple Wopper!But remember it takes two hands to have it your way!Now and soon at Burger King!
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Welcome to The Moss Problem! What is it? Rather than laying out a mission statement, or some kind of lofty proposal of intent, I think it would be best to just let The Moss Problem define itself as time goes on. We admittedly have some ridiculously ambitious speculations for ourselves. I have, however, found that laying the groundwork for a spectacularly embarrassing failure is no way to guarantee success. Three tragic weddings have convinced me of that. No, I firmly believe that success or lack of success have more to do with the present-- the day to day battles, or crushing defeats, or comebacks, or losses, or breakthroughs-- than it does with any plans for the future (or dwellings on the past).
Back in Los Angeles, editing a new "magazine" published by my friends Randy and Kate Moss, a couple of real troublemakers who kind of picture themselves as... well, I'd better not say it. But they don't want this to be about them, not at all. I shouldn't have even mentioned them, but they did say it was okay to use their names (but no pictures) as the backers of this venture. Anyway, as far as "magazine" goes, all they told me is that they want to be wide open to what that means. It could be like a quarterly, a literary journal, a tabloid or a glossy newsstand publication, or a "zine" or a phonograph record. The only thing they are discouraging, at least at the outset, is any kind of compact disc, CD or DVD, and any comparison to Mr. Unmentionable and his Unmentionable Unmentionables. I'm sorry to be vague, but those are the rules. Other than that-- no rules. No ideas about frequency or size, content or format-- and what really excites me is the possibility of coming up with some format, technique, INVENTION that has yet to be invented, thought of, or even imagined.
If all of that sounds a little INSANE, well, you probably don't know the Moss family. This is actually fairly grounded and concrete for the Mosses. And even more so because what we are starting with, HERE, is an online journal, and that's a nice place to start. Something you can find, access, and read, for free, and something that we are able to create or destroy at a moment's notice.
The Mosses and I decided this would be a very good place to start, because it is our shared position that we are now witnessing the death of cinema, rock'n'roll, and books. And with every death comes a (re)birth-- but of what? (As far as I can tell right now, maybe only more ways to spend more on less.) I know it sounds absurd, and this is the last time I'll state it in such simplistic terms, choosing to create an ongoing body of evidence instead in these very pages-- but not just an argument, or a declaration-- hopefully, as well, a celebration, a wake, a condemnation, and a call to arms (well, maybe not arms).