Saturday, December 1, 2012

I AM SICK IN LOVE WITH THE WOMEN OF THE MOSS PROBLEM

by Darius Smith

Editor's Note:
This article was delivered to me by a bike messenger wearing a T-shirt with that Pynchon Trystero muted horn symbol on it (making me suspect he worked for some kind of post-post underground postage courier) as I made room for cream in my morning Venti brewed house roast at the Starbucks on Beverly and La Cienega. Handwritten with what seems to be a piece of coal on margins of discarded newspaper, I found it necessary to type it up myself — so Mr. Smith will forgive me if I have made any mistakes — and I withhold his usual fee. —Anthony Franciosa, 2012





Heather Prescott—true Queen of England and future Empress of New India. A full-kit rock'n'roll drummer and former L.A. studio whiz kid, she is now plotting her next move in New Zealand. Pay heed, kids.

What do I know about Tiffany Richardson? Well, she carries Flowers of Evil with her wherever she goes for the past three years (she is 22). Also, she is the premiere visual artist of the Western Hemisphere, and the finest performance artist worldwide. A quick example of her third towering ability, her sometimes kind, sometimes devastating wit: "We loved you until you were a success. When you were a has-been we loved you again (some of us) even more. When you died, when we played your songs, we died a little in a happy way and you were reborn, every time." Actually, I suppose this isn't "wit," only an excerpt from a paper (!) letter, including envelope and stamp.

Who is Monica Todd? She is a mystery girl, a Girl Scout, a Marine squad leader, librarian, and mad poet. Currently Secret Queen of America, in love with the modern world and at war with the modern world, Monica is a go-go Eighties Anti-Christ, and my favorite person who ever lived.

Sybilka "Eye-Witness" Storie is everywhere I look, as a model for a Supergirl comic book, her face on an acne treatment box for ten years, lately is seeing everything as for the first time, becoming alternately exuberant and deeply despondent all day every day—so she bought a camera so to have a little more control over what she sees for now—in the end she will control an entire Empire. If she even dared to learn guitar and voice she would soon command an Empire of Sight and Sound.

My Tonya Shelley:  Born a White Goddess in Central Africa, sometime suburban punk, sometime street punk, sometime gutter punk, Miss Shelley currently plays a feisty, aggressive, sometime drunk skate punk on a Russian comedy-drama called Every Young Superstar You Could Imagine. Of course they are all unknowns on the show, but yes, the actors all command a forceful style, especially Tonya, and it would be a crime against humanity if Miss Shelley doesn't become a worldwide star. Not that she really cares….

Here's all I know about Heather Dameron: she successfully revived The Popular Front in 2000 and now tens of millions of Americans are secret communists. They wait only for Miss Dameron's signal to crush the U.S. Government. It should take ten minutes. She said it's OK to admit that The Moss Problem is a key part of the Popular Front, all the better to admit it now when it comes across as just another joke. But, reader, realize this:  Heather Dameron is the only child of Miss January 1962. Her father is JFK. So there.

27 comments:

Lesbia Cronkite-Chumm said...

At last.

Darius Smith said...

Born a White Goddess in Central Africa

Darius Smith said...
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Darius Smith said...
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Darius Smith said...
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Darius Smith said...
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Darius Smith said...

Secret Communists

Darius Smith said...

The Whole Sick Crew

Darius Smith said...
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Darius Smith said...

U.S. Government

Darius Smith said...
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Darius Smith said...

[Sybilka "Eye-Witness" Storie] ...she bought a camera SO to have more control...

Add the word SO between CAMERA and TO HAVE.

Thanx, Tony!

Darius Smith said...

Last request, Son-of-Ton-Loc: between "Dameron" and "She" take out the period, replace it with a colon, and change the "S" in she to a lower-case "s" Thanx, you Stupor-Star you.

Anonymous said...

Please prove you're not a robot, darius smith, but an escapee from the petri dish of mind conTROLLing experiments that spawned MK Ultra and a million bad punk rock polka bands?

Darius Smith said...

i r kkk ultra 66!

Darius Smith said...

Just Kidding!

Lesbia Cronkite-Chumm said...

Darius Smith: Scourge of God! The Women of The Moss Problem are the world's finest, only "Dare-Eye-Us" is the improvised explosive device thwarting Our Female Peace-Keepers! This article, I confess, is a mark in your favor, Darius...you are the voice of Ohio...but...who wants to hear the voice of Ohio. An LA editor, 11 New Yorkers, and YOU! Why??!?

Joe Faggot-Face said...

In title please place quote marks around THE MOSS PROBLEM...or else!
Stay Gay, Antonio!

Anonymous said...

Please put quote marks around "The Moss Problem" in post title or soon die a fiery death!

(Just Kidding)

(About the murder, not the correction request!)

Anonymous said...

'Single-Style' quotes, par favor, you Silly Thing.

Darius Smith said...

Tone-Loc II: the "s" after :"heather Dameron" is unnecessarily in bold! And please put quotes around The Moss Problem in the title! Later, Crocodiles!

Darius Smith said...

Franciosa: please capitalize the word "Go-Go" in the Monica Todd section. Tanks Millions!

Darius Smith said...

If possible, in the heatjher dameron section, strike the capital "T" in "The Popular Front" and replace it with a lower-case "t." I no longer support capitalizing "t" in "the" except at the start of a sentence. To helol with sentences like "I luv The Beatles," no, "You luv the Beatles!" Jeezus Chtysler!

Darius Smith said...

I live for typos!

Darius Smith said...

Pleeze, Tony Toni Tone-ee, CHange Monica Todd from no-place lower-case "go-go" to triumph-of-the-will "Go-Go Eighties Anti-Christ." This comment isa dedicated to the Kids.

Darius Smith said...

This-a-comment is-a dedicated to-a the Kids!

Keee-Rist!

Anonymous said...

Molly Ringwald Wrote Propaganda Songs