Friday, December 2, 2011

The Big One

Review: New Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box

When I was a little kid I used to regularly have dreams about nuclear war, standing in the street in front of my house, looking up at the sky which had turned green. All is silent. There is no violence, no explosions, and no one is moaning or crying, and everyone is resigned to the fact that we'll all be dead soon. I wonder what kids have nightmares about now? Maybe asking their phone a question and their phone getting inappropriately intimate.

The New Pizza Hut Big Dinner Box, originally marketed as the Amazing Death Row Last Meal Box, costs $19.99 and you don't have to be a math genius to realize that either it's subsidized with a federal death and destruction grant, or else Pizza Hut is making an aggressive play for the entire fast food empire market with one grand gesture.

"The Box" includes: not one but TWO pizzas, for those times when you finish a pizza and think, "That was good. I sure wish I had... more pizza." But wait... there are also EIGHT wings, which means the wings of four chickens. And just in case you're not full yet, there are half a dozen bread sticks! Because you need vegetables, also included is some spicy tomato sauce in which you can dip your bread sticks, your wings, and your pizza, if you feel like it. For breakfast there are six Norwegian rolled up pancakes dusted with powdered sugar and drowning in maple flavored syrup. Four rolled up Denver omelets completes the most important meal of the day. Wash it all down with a box of Starbucks White Chocolate Mousse Mocha. By now it's almost noon so you can break out the box of Sunny D-lite which can be mixed on the premises with a smaller box of Skol Vodka. And don't forget dessert: your choice of rolled up German chocolate cake, chocolate suicide cake, or New York Amaretto cheesecake. Or choose all three, if that's your choice! And as a concession to health, a half liter box of heart-healthy red wine. No meal would be complete without an after-dinner cigarette... chose from Marlboro, Winston, or Newport. And just to be safe, find a small box of Redbull and a packet of morning after pills. Rest on a foldout cot for two (or one large person) with a space blanket and nite toy and start the next morning with half a dozen mini Krispy Kreme microwave donuts.

Shoot... a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm done with food.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Franciosa: The toilet fotos and toilet paper reviews are sick and psychotic. I am done with MOSS.

Lesbia Cronkite-Moss said...

!!!