I'm more social nowadays. I go out for drinks or lunch w/a group of people and usually come home feeling vaguely dissatisfied w/my presentation of self. I think I still play so many games, cryptic and enigmatic, then didactic and proclaiming, dismissing other people's opinions, acting like I have the last word on things...but in the moment I am at ease, I don't become self-conscious til I analyze the evening retrospectively. I think that's ok in a way; if you're going to be brusque and provocative and center-staging it seems better to do it w/bravado and save the self-recriminations for later. I guess the bottom line is I'm not only still not letting people "see" me, I'm getting to enjoy it and going out of my way to dramatize my mystique. I've got like 10 wigs in various styles and colors, my wardrobe is more indescribable than ever...I'm not sure what all the fuss is about regarding the public image, but I know it is more polished and deliberate than ever. Which befits a woman of my age, but still there's something lost along the way.
I still have times where I am the only one in a crowd who acts, as you once so aptly put it, "as if a bomb just went off."
Everything Exactly As It Happened - Ray Speen's diary, journal, autobiography in progress, EVERYTHING EXACTLY AS IT HAPPENED, is just that, no more, no less. Read all about his life, constant...
9 years ago