Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Last Airbender in 3D

Now available on 3-D BluRay for selected handheld zombie devices!

Projecting forth to the “future” of “2010”—when it is prophesied that the world is destroyed—the “Airbender” moves awkwardly from his home: 1958 Thelma Corners, Georgia. Carrying far too much of pics load in his metal lunchbox, Airbender (who he finds is the last of his kind in 2010), Harry Potter series’ Tommy Tuberville, thrusts and jousts, taking every opportunity to launch an object at the 3D lens: a playing card, samurai sword, a loogie, a torrent of slo-mo Spaghetti-o's with a wet paper towel sauce, reminiscent of last years “The Last House on The Left in Connecticut.” It soon becomes clear that plot and action are a crippled mare pulling the 3D cart of multiple golden bootie winners Laszlo Kovacs’ widescreen digital Airiflex Hercules.

Airbender is not without its satisfying forked paths upon forked paths of helmer scribe Night Slymon’s trademarked multiple endings upon multiplexed endings. There is more prophecy evident than a glowing Guadalupe on a tortilla chip. The lush, retro hypocrisies of the late Fifties provide a blanket of God and Family, missing from chaotic mess of New York City, which Airbender arrives, unexplained more mysteriously than time travel. Apparently the Port Authority Bus Terminal has a portal in its damaged, glass-enclosed Rube Goldberg billiard ball sculpture, which then takes on dual function as touchstone and subplot.

Karate kicking his way through the panic of Times Square—where tourists from Kansas to Arkansas seem to have arrived to view the apocalypse on the side of skyscrapers projected amid cola and SUV ads—Airbender finds his powers are all too amplified with the sudden years as he horrifies himself and onlookers as he incinerates a family of eight from Toronto. Subplot upon similar subplot pile up on Airbender’s bony shoulders: now he must find virtual darkened doorway pockets of time travel where he can quickly retrieve the innocent victims to their pre-charbroiled state, while offering sage McNuggets of advice like, you can now watch the World Series in the comfort of your own home on the new Sony Telethon 3D Plasma wall model.

Climax enfolds in the unlikely guise of Times Squares “Grey McDonalds”—for Airbender has had only to travel 3 blocks of location shooting to 3D in and out of years 2001, 2004, 2112 (Rush), and 1963 Dallas. Spoiler Alert! Satisfying twist ending with truffle oil and portabella mushrooms. Special features include featurette and making of featurette featurette, Also, interactive “script machine” let’s you dictate the dialogue for subjectivity, and patented “The Future Has Many Paths” ending dictator, lets you watch pic over 144 times with unique results. Gimmick didn’t work with Clue: The Motion Picture because it’s always Colonel Mustard, but here the murderer is never the Airbender, and gimmick proves pointless. One criticism: Making Of Featurettes are not in 3D. Note: special features assume pic will garner DVD release. More likely strategy, keep in theaters indefinitely and milk box office like a treacherous snake.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice Nice Nice